Categories
Comics

GC616 News (Marvel Comics Releases for 09/30/2021)

The GC616 logo flashes across the screen and fades to reveal journo

Reagan: Good evening and welcome to GC616, tonight we begin our broadcast with a developing story. Our sources are telling us that Moljnir, the enchanted hammer that belongs to Thor, the king of Asgard and god of thunder, has gone missing and is presumed to have been stolen. As previously stated, this story is still developing. As we wait on further news regarding this incident let’s move on with the broadcast, beginning with a report from Journo.

The camera cuts to The Peak, SWORD Station One, in geosynchronous orbit above the mutant nation of Krakoa. Unlike previous broadcasts from the station which were conducted from the information hub of Journo, Agent of SWORD, today’s broadcast is live from a mess hall somewhere on the station. Banners adorn the walls, some peeling off, balloons float aimlessly around the room, and empty red cups litter the tables. 

At one of these tables, a figure is sat, who the camera drone moves in on, revealing a very hungover Journo with his head laying on the cold steel of the table. A smoldering cup of coffee is within arms reach but when the drone buzzes to alert Journo he’s on-air, he reaches out violently, sending the coffee flying across the room.

Journo:  COFFEE NO!

His hands grab his head, the shouting obviously too much for this delicate mutant in the middle of the worst hangover of his life.

Journo: Ow… Right, no shouting, too much pain. Need some aspirin… Oh !*#& I’m live? Umm hey folks, it’s gonna be a short update from me. As you can see we’re still working on getting back to full operating capacity after the Dormammu situation, and more importantly still recovering from the victory party. 

Things are pretty quiet at the moment, thankfully, don’t think I’d survive if they were anything else. The only big thing that’s happened is Storm kicked a bunch of butts in the process of further asserting herself as the Regent of Mars. Pretty badass stuff if you ask me. She’s gonna be fine dealing with all this Arrako business.

Anyway, that’s me done for the day, I’m going to be- Oh there’s Wiz-Kid!

Journo dashes off, but before the camera cuts back to the studio, we hear him call out to Wiz-Kid, asking if there’s any Krakoan medicine that instantly cures a hangover.

Reagan: Thanks Journo! If you can’t find anything Krakoa that’ll help I’m sure I can figure something out. Now let’s check in with Chad.

The new acoustic cover of the “Checkin’ in with Chad”’ theme plays as the sizzle roll of fall themed clips accompanies it. Chad posed a question about the Green Goblin last week that is answered in one of the clips today. Chad sits next to the Green Goblin sporting a purple cardigan as they take a hay ride while drinking their PSLs on the way to pick out a pumpkin. The clips end as the audience sees Chad sitting at the Green Lagoon on Krakoa.

Chad: Hey Chadlians! Bet you’ve got questions and for once, I’ve got answers. So I’m clearly back on Krakoa, my friend Tabitha got me back on. Things didn’t work out but we’re staying friends because we are killer pong partners. So that answers question 1. Question 2 though is, why did I have a fall day with Green Goblin? Well that answers a little bit longer to explain…

So remember the whole Kindred thing? Turns out Kindred, the human centipede, was actually 2 clone robot things. Typically a human centipede is 3 people but that’s another conversation altogether. Well Spider-Man beat them after being saved by Mary Jane, his smokeshow talented girlfriend. But Harry Osborn died but he was a clone and other Harry was always dead. I don’t know, I don’t really care. It’s behind us now, it’s thankfully over and we never have to speak about it after this report. With all these revelations came another one that Green Goblin didn’t kill Gwen Stacy. Well wait technically he did but it was Harry and not Norman in the Green Goblin costume. 

Anyway, Norman was bummed he was a piece of shit and his son died or whatever so we had a nice day out to take his mind off of it. Turns out that he indeed loves pumpkins. It was a nice day…

Chad finishes a pumpkin beer that the bartender Fred got him.

Chad: I actually came out here to watch the football game with my new buddy Logan. But before I got here some horny dude named Solem swept him away on some adventure for swords. These X-Men love swords. They had some big thing where they had ten of them. Well everything worked out for Logan though because now he has two super swords. I gotta go though because tensions here are sorta high with some disco inferno thing going on. Anyway, back to you Re-reag.

Reagan: Thanks Chad! Now let’s see what X-52 is up to.

X-52 blusters into the studio, still wearing their GC616 blazer over their green-and-silver robot form. They are carrying a BRAND NEW TV tray!  After they BOOT away the old, broken one, they set down the new one triumphantly. After stealing an empty anchor chair from next to Reagan, they sit and regard the cameras, stoically.

X-52: MAGIC! Is it real? Or is it bullshit? This robot can’t say for sure, but surely something wicked this way comes. At least that’s what my parapsychological energy detecting sensors have been screaming at me for the last three days.

Following the trail of wild isotopes, this mechanized reporter came across the sight of known Mutant “Pretender” Wanda Maximoff squaring off with Latverian nationals, Victorious and Victor Von Doom, PHD. 

They extend their palm outward and upward on the table and a perfect hard-light holo-picture of the tableau graphs into the air. 

X-52: They were yelling about some book, or something? The Darkcomb? Or…Darkfrome? I don’t know I couldn’t get that close. But pretty soon afterward, a bunch of different Avengers showed up, including Tony Stark showed up so, obviously, I left. That guy is like…way weird around robots so I try not to be, like, in his orbit. Like, AT ALL. Plus he smells like Drakkor Noir. It makes my occulating visual orbs leak. 

So they all got weird and some more flim-flam crap happened and then the book, like, disappeared I think? I will try to find out some more later. Ya know, when I…care to. BYE FOR NOW, FLESHIES!

The camera cuts back to Reagan in the studio.

Reagan: Thanks X-52, let’s go see what Cass has for us today.

The camera cuts into handheld footage of Cass hiding in some bushes that seem to be growing some bagels.  

Cass (speaking to themself): I just wanted to take some time off but of course that was never going to happen, such is my luck I guess… oh wait…

Cass start to inspect the camera where they are recording and realizes the GC616 studio has picked up their transition

Cass: Hello there! I’m Cass, the guys at GC52 gave me your contact in case I stumbled onto something interesting while on vacation in this dimension, of course that wasn’t my plan… but here we are. I thought visiting the mutant island of Krakoa would be fun, but apparently things are getting hot in here, in more ways than one. 

So, from what I could gather in my small time here the anti-mutant organization Orchis has created the ultimate mutant killing weapon, a robot called Nimrod, and the leaders of Krakoa aren’t happy about it. The mutants have attempted to destroy this weapon many times but haven’t been successful… at all. I know all this because I got extremely lost on the island and ended up in this secret looking place where two big shots called Professor X and Magneto got into an intense argument with this mysterious lady called Moira (who seems to be like a really big deal). They were discussing how their little project (you know a nation of mutants) is facing some problems. 

There is the mutant killing super robot, but there is also some internal drama (I really love gossip, no matter the multiverse). So here is the short version, Moira had a bad run in with a mutant fortune teller called Destiny, and she thinks that she would ruin all her plans so she has prohibit the other two guys from resurrecting her, the problem is that there is this other bigshot called Mystic who is also… wait for it… Destiny’s wife, and she really wanted her back. 

Now the big development is… she got what she wanted, Destiny is back. I might be new here but it seems like shits is about to go down, like an inferno approaching in the horrison. Anyway I think I will stick around just to see how things develop. 

Cass grabs a bagel, gives it a bite, and turns off their camera. 

Reagan: Thanks Cass! Now on to Katie with some news about Felicia Hardy, a.k.a Black Cat.

The camera cuts over to Katie, wearing a shirt with a black cat on it. Her actual black cat, Felicia, sports a matching white shirt with a tiny cat image on Felicia’s tiny cat chest. 

Katie: Hello, all! I’m reporting on the fiendish flights of the Black Cat this week. After she outsmarted Nick Fury a few weeks back, I’ve been a #BlackCat fan! Yeah, she may have stolen some huge package connected to the Infinity Stones or something…but she literally fought and escaped the S.H.I.E.L.D. leader in mid-air. Felicia and I are definitely fans. Look at our shirts!

She snaps her fingers and Felicia stands up on the desk to show off her attire.

Katie: I know I’m not supposed to be biased because of journalistic integrity or what have you…but my girl evaded capture from Fury and his helicopter shenanigans again yesterday! She’s a cat who always lands on her feet, that’s for sure. 

The Black Cat’s been seen around different areas lately seemingly recruiting a few less-than-popular super powered individuals. Cat-eye-witnesses reported seeing her with a blue-clad man believed to be a child kidnapper named Quantum. Following this odd encounter, Felicia was spotted swinging through the city like a certain web-headed superhero. Her ties were literally cut when a looming man dressed like a hawk successfully hunted Black Cat down. He’s eerie like the night. He obviously has a hawk obsession. I think it’s safe to assume this dude is called Nighthawk. 

Felicia hears the word “hawk” and jumps up. Realizing no birds are in sight, she models her shirt for the camera again while standing on two hind legs.

Katie: Sorry, no hawks here, Felicia! Look how good you are at standing! We should call you “Nightcat!” Anyway, Black Cat and this Nighthawk guy engaged in a disagreement of sorts. I wish everyone had hearing as good as a cat’s so I wouldn’t have to guess what people are talking about! This is when Nick Fury came in guns blazing, firing rubber bullets at the two. He has a ridiculous vendetta against Black Cat since he started collecting all those Infinity Stones. I heard he was brainwashed though, but that’s a lot to unpack and we’re running out of time. 

A rival Stinger Missile helicopter swooped in and saved the day, but I’d like to believe that the Black Cat would’ve found a way out of the cat’s cradle. The Black Cat and Fury’s dispute remains ongoing. I would suggest staying inside until this giant-sized issue gets resolved. I’d be so sad to see Black Cat leave town though…Back to you!

The camera cuts back to Reagan.

Reagan: Thanks Katy! And with that we’ve come to the end of our broadcast, we’ll see you next week!

The GC616 logo flashes on the screen as the feed cuts to the next program.

Categories
Comics

GC616 News for Marvel Comics Released 09/15/2021

The GC616 logo flashes across the screen to reveal Reagan seated at the news desk.

Reagan: Good evening and welcome to GC616, we begin this edition with breaking news from Krakoa. It seems that Wanda Maximoff, also known as the Scarlet Witch, is in fact alive. 

Maximoff was previously thought to have been murdered during the Hellfire Gala. However, during a visit to Krakoa by the Avengers, they found not her body but Maximoff herself alive and well. We will keep you posted on this story as it develops. In the meantime, let’s go to Journo with some news from the peak, Journo?

The camera cuts to a familiar sight, that of an information hub nestled in S.W.O.R.D. Base One, otherwise known as The Peak. Sitting at a desk, half-reading data flowing across one of the monitors is Journo, the Agent of S.W.O.R.D. He’s distracted from his normal duties as becomes obvious when he touches a finger to his ear before letting out a laugh. He’s on the phone with someone.

Journo: It’s good to hear from you too, Smasher… Yeah, I’m keeping busy. Wish I could be out in the field but Brand’s had me analyzing the data streams from the Dormammu incursion points… Well, I’m glad the Wakandans were of help, and I’m especially glad Deathbird didn’t kill any of them… And how’s the kid? Safe?… Good, good. I was talking with Sam just a few hours ago. They all got back safely from that mission with Cable… Yes, I’ll try my best to make sure Brand doesn’t send him on any more missions like that. Look, I’ve gotta go, but once this is all over we’ll all have to go grab dinner, preferably on Aerie, I’m enjoying Earth cuisine less and less these days… I know, me, all fancy like that. Catch you soon, Smasher.

As he hangs up the phone, Journo looks around and notices that the GC616 drone is active and has recorded his entire call.

Journo: #@!&, um, hey folks, what can I say, when you get the chance to catch up with an old friend, you’ve got to take it. Anyway, as you probably heard me say, the Shi’ar homeworld Aerie is as safe as can be right now given the circumstances thanks to assistance from the Intergalactic Empire of Wakanda. A small strike team led by M’Baku and Shuri, under appointment by King T’Challa, and with assistance from the Shi’ar Imperial Guard held back the forces of Dormammu.

Yeah, sorry for the quick update folks, but looks like we’re wrapping this situation up, one way or the other. I’ll hopefully be back in touch once this is all resolved. Journo out.

With that, Journo hits a command into the nearest keyboard and the camera cuts back to Reagan in the studio.

Reagan: Thanks Journo and as always, stay safe up there. Now we have Steve the Terrible with some news from Mar- er. Planet Arrako.

Steve the Terrible:  Uh hi.  I’m Steve, or Steve the Terrible as the guys on Arakko started calling me.  I didn’t do anything awful or anything, they just really don’t like me here.  I’m GC616’s resident Planet Arrako reporter, a gig I signed on for before I knew it was full of really scary mutants who had spent centuries in a hell dimension.  And I have no problem with mutants, but these guys are really mean.  They keep calling me “weak” and telling me I wouldn’t last a week in Amenth.  WHICH IS TRUE but I’d appreciate it if they didn’t say it daily.

Steve: Aside from the usual daily murders, of which there were dozens as always, today was a pretty busy day on Arakko.  My fellow Earthers, the mutant pirate crew known as the Marauders,  paid a visit to our great planet this week after the unwanted arrival of a space-crook by the name of Deen Lorix.  Or maybe Eden Lixlo.  Or perhaps Bjuon.  He was very unclear.  Whatever his name is, that ex-Nova Corps chump was trying to get to Earth to see some of our mutant buddies down there till the big S.W.O.R.D. station flagged him down.  It seems the White Queen had some prior dealings with this guy and he was trying to track her down.  Rumblings in the Red Lagoon say something about Ms. Frost stealing a fancy telepathic ship called the Mercury? 

After a brief tussle in the bar with the entire Spring side of the Krakoan Quiet Council involved, they seemed to sort it all out and went for a nice little ride in the Mercury and everything ended all happily ever after right?  Or maybe not.  There’s a few whispers around the port over here that some unexpected mutant debris was found floating in space.  But an entire quarter of the Krakoan leadership couldn’t have been wiped out at once…right?  With whispers of Lordes Chantel, an old Hellfire associate, being spotted in New York, maybe there are some open spaces for her now on the Hellfire Trading Company?  Back to you Earth, and please let me come home soon.

 Reagan: Thanks Steve! Now Let’s go to Journo with some Eternals news.

The camera cuts to a small enclosed room. Jordan sits in the center of the frame reading through a large leatherbound book. 

Jordan: Ah hello GC616 viewers. Once again welcome to our Sanctum Sanctorum branch. Here I can view much that transpires throughout the universe. Today I have been reading through this book. It details the history of the Eternals, our very own cosmic protectors engineered by the Celestials. This story here I have found to be of particular interest. It appears that there was once a great war between different factions of Eternals some 200,000 years ago.

This schism was caused by two Eternal leaders divided views on Eternals future. A’Lars who we now know to be called Mentor believed that Eternals should reproduce naturally. Opposing him was his brother, the fierce Zuras who believed in the traditional status quo of Eternals. The two leaders came to blows and deployed their forces against each other. To stop this brutal war the two brothers were brought together to reach a compromise by their mother Daina. The compromise was reached as A’Lars left to start his own civilization to see if he could sustain a civilization of Eternals bred naturally. Zuras would help to lead the Eternals left behind as their memories would be erased and they would start fresh.

The two agreed and A’Lars under the name Mentor left for Titan, a moon of Saturn. Here Mentor encountered Sui-San, an Eternal in exile on this decimated moon. Lars proposed that they start a new future for Eternals together. She eventually agreed and Titan became the home for Eternals offshoots, beings imprinted with Eternal DNA. These people would become known as the Titans. The two eventually fell in love and decided to naturally conceive two children. The second of which was who we now call the Mad Titan, Thanos. Thanos drove her mad and eventually killed Mentor. Mentor was then resurrected in the Exclusion, a location built for returning Eternals.

However, Lars would discover firsthand it’s secondary function, as a prison. Mentor was thrown into a cell by Ikaris and Thena as they told him his love was imprisoned next to him and that she wished they had never met. Mentor’s cell was filled with light, each pixel representing a life Thanos had snuffed out. Mentor’s eyes burned out as he was forced to bear witness to the destruction his offspring had wrought. It was a tragic and powerful story that I thought you may find interesting. Given the Eternals current conflict with Thanos it helps to provide some context. As always thanks for listening and may the Vishanti guide you. 

The camera cuts back to Reagan in the studio.

Reagan: Thanks Jordan! And with that we’ve come to the end of our show, we’ll see you next week on GC616. Stay safe everyone.

Categories
Comics

GC616 News for Marvel Comics Released 09/08/2021

The GC616 logo flashes across the screen before fading to reveal Reagan sitting at the desk like always.

Reagan: Good evening and welcome to GC616. The Bullseye lockdown continues, now in its tenth day, no updates have been issued by the authorities who are requesting that citizens continue to stay inside their homes and away from any uncovered windows. As usual, we will update you on the details as they become available.

In the meantime, here’s Justin with some news about the comic series Conan.

Justin Partridge III sits behind his usual taped together TV trays, but he looks concerningly happy this time, dressed head to toe in a Pilgrim outfit. A grim black one, complete with tall, wide brimmed hat, riding cloak, and sword belt, which houses a rapier. An odd staff-like object adored with the head of a wolf leans against the main anchor table. Draped across the front of the trays is a poorly hung streamer-paper banner that reads “HAPPY 300 ISSUES, CONAN!” and to the side of the trays a low sitting lawn chair stands.

Justin gestures wildly with his hands as he speaks.

JPIII: Hello again, Citizen Fleshies! MAN, do I have a treat for you today. Here in the studio today, all the way from Aquilonia and The Hyborian Age! The man celebrating a whopping THREE HUNDRED ISSUES! The one, the only, CONAN, THE CIMMERIAN!

Justin takes his phone from the cloak and starts to play a random Basil Poledouris track as Conan The Barbarian steps cautiously into the studio. He is wearing one of his borrowed Hellfire Club frocks but holds a wicked looking double-headed axe. He sits but lays the axe on his lap, eying the off-screen crew menacingly.

JPIII: Conan! Thank y-

Conan: My wine.

JPIII: OH! Yeah, of course!

Justin reaches behind the trays and lifts up a comically huge clay jug of wine. He hands it, with some effort, to Conan, who seems able to lift and drink from it with one hand.

JPIII: So, Conan. 300 issues! That’s a big deal! Did you have any idea when you first met the Frost Giant Daughter that you would end up here? 300 issues later?

Conan seems to have finished the wine. He eyes Justin closer.

Conan: Why are you dressed as a priest?

JPIII: It’s not…I’m Solomon Kane. 

Conan: KANE!? THAT BRIGAND!?

JPIII: NO, WAIT IT’S A COSTUME!

But his axe is already up and the battle is joined! Justin barely gets his sword and staff drawn before Conan hits him with a mighty glancing blow, launching him through his section of the backdrop. Sparks fly! But Conan seems satisfied with the single blow and he leaves the studio, taking a huge handful of deli meat from the crew table before he does. 

Justin’s head emerges from the hole. Except…it isn’t his face. The synthetic flesh once showing Justin’s face has ripped away…to reveal the face of MACHINE MAN! Or at least A Machine Man. Now dressed in a ruined Justin suit and Solomon Kane cosplay.

X-52: B-*ack-ack-ack*ZZYT! T-T-TO you, <Lead Anchor Designate>.

He falls backward in a clatter of gears. The feed cuts back to Reagan, who has a surprised look on her face.

Reagan: Umm. I’m sure Justin is fine. Now let’s catch up with Taneli and the Defenders.

The report switches from the high quality 4k resolution that the studio cameras are capable of to a much granier security camera feed. Taneli floats in his prison cell behind the refined Atlantean bars. His cloak floats in the water behind him with no noticeable breathing apparatuses for someone who from the looks of it is a regular human. A blue skinned atlantean swims by as they make their prison rounds to ensure no one has escaped from King Namor’s bondage. He floats towards the bars and looks up at the camera, his eyes perking up behind his half mask with a large smile on his face.  

Taneli: Hello again viewers. It’s been sometime since we last met. I’ve been without any form of communication since I splashed down into the oceans. I did find Atlantis or more like they found me. King Namor had me locked up here as a trespasser as I was peeking through their armory for the item which I seek. I am still new to this world of magic so bear with me as I stumble my way to find what I need. So I have been a prisoner for some time. 

He held up his wrists that were bound together with a coral cover set of chains. As the viewers watched, Taneli’s fingers and hands moved as if they were dancing as the water itself heated up. The metal grew hotter as it expanded enough for Taneli to slip his hands out.

Taneli: Perfect, finally got that right. I would have had to wait another week if that didn’t work. You’re here to hear about the Defenders, aren’t you? They’re stuck in a time before time. A world before our, well, your world. Carlo Zota is a rogue scientist spiraling through that time and the Defenders are there to stop him at the request of the Masked Raider. Now they’re in the Sixth Cosmos on Taa. Turns out that’s where Galactus was born. A destroyer from the world before.

As Taneli speaks, his hands wave again as the bars shift in opposite directions so he can swim through. The camera feed changes to the next camera as he makes his way through the city, each capturing his report, controlled by his magic.

Taneli: The Silver Surfer is on this team… the Herald of Galactus. The mothman of planetary devouring if you will. Imagine being faced with the being that is at the root of so much of your own suffering and the suffering of billions? What choice would you make? I doubt the Silver Surfer would kill a child but hope to set him on a path to a better future. Taaia, Galactus’s mother, helps the team face the devourer of the world before. Who just so happens to have made Raider’s friend Zota his herald. One moment…

As Tanelli swims into a clearing, a group of Atlantean guards turn their sights onto him. If he wasn’t quick with his hands, he would have been killed. But before they could strike, a portal was opened that they were all sucked into as the guards and the water were teleported far across the galaxy to the planet of Frost Giants. A true chiller of a realization for them.

Taneli: The Defenders uses a weapon of pure emotion to handle Omnimax, their version of Galactus, before being sucked even further back in time and reality. Sticky situation but it’s good for me. Good that I need not worry about Stephen Strange meddling into my affairs. I am off to somewhere a lot dryer than this. Actually, a place almost out of time. Until then, stay safe. 

Taneli enters one of the Atlantean’s ship’s as he commandeers it for his own needs. The camera lingers as the vehicle leaves the docking bay.

Reagan: Thanks Taneli! Now let’s go to Chad who is not coming to you via text this time.

Chad’s typical fanfare plays with heavy electronic beats with his sizzle reel opening his report. The highlight of this week’s reel starts with a still frame of a beautifully stenciled glass door that reads “Alias Investigations”. The stillness is broken as a woman in a leather jacket throws Chad through the glass and towards the camera. The reel ends and Chad is sitting on his couch in a C.M. Punk “Clobberin’ Time” shirt and a pair of boxers with Spider-Man logos printed across them.

Chad: What up my Chadlians! I just got back from Krakoa. Absolutely wild Labor Day Week. Did you know they grow everything there? Also they’ve got the magnets guy on trial. Not so mag neato. Also I was just watching that last report and only caught that Galactus’s mom is a total MILF. Sucks I’m not a celestial but it’s not the size that counts.

Chad turns off his TV so he can start his report.

Chad: Sorry my boy C.M. Punk is back in the ring. Anyway, Spider-Man! Finally something happened. You ever see those gaslight, gatekeep, girl boss memes? No? I’ll tweet some for you. Anyway, The Human Centipede turns out to be the bone-zone consequences of Norman Osborn and Gwen Stacy. But it’s not. Turns out Harry Osborn gatekept, gaslight, girl bossed his dad into clapping some robot cheeks. Basically he worked with some bad dudes to make robots and make these fake offspring. Listen, Norman ain’t a good guy but what kind of shitty parenting leads to your kid building a robot that you take on a one way trip to pound town? Sick stuff. That’s all I got this week. If anyone knows Galactuse’s hot momma, give her my number. Oh wait, I got something else!

Chad leans forward on his couch and opens his laptop, VERY quickly closing some tabs before anyone can see. 

Chad: Check it. I found a super cool webcam to watch. You know how sometimes Zoo’s have 24 video feeds of penguins or hippos or something? I love watching those. They’re like my ASMR but now I found this super weird one.

Chad: I think it’s actually like a Go Pro or something strapped to a bird’s face. Super weird angle but I have been seeing some really cool stuff. There is this dude Ka-Zar and he died and came back. ARE I PEE to KA-ZAR but he got better. So he’s a smokeshow, his wife, Shanna, is a smokeshow, and they have a cool ass kid with like a flower launcher. Basically the coolest family on Earth.

Chad: So they fought a T-Rex, OH WAIT IS THIS THE SAVAGE LAND? At the party on Krakoa, Wolverine said if I gave him a good game ass slap again that he was gonna send me there. Dude was a great pong partner. Anyway, the T-Rex was on some Resident Evil business with some worm monster in it but Ka-Zar tossed it out like the trash after moping around for a minute. 

Chad: Shanna said something at their dinner though. Wait actually maybe this stream isn’t legal? Maybe I shouldn’t watch this family eating dinner… anyway she said that they can’t eat the animals that they protect. It made me think about those little penguins at the zoo… I would be heartbroken if someone ate them. I really gotta think about this whole vegan thing a little bit more. Beer is vegan right? Anyway, back to you Reagitoni.

Reagan: Thanks Chad! Now we’ve got Kevin with some news about X-Force.

The camera cuts to Central Park. Kevin stands in his fedora and trenchcoat, looking extremely uncomfortable in the bright September sun. Beside him stands the blue furry form of Hank McCoy, frowning at Kevin.

Kevin: [Breathless] Reagan, I am here on an incredibly rare field operation outside my basem – uh, my operations center, for a coveted interview with one of the shadiest and hard to reach individuals on the entire planet.

Beast: You are here because I wished to let you know in person that I would like you to please stop trying to contact me, or indeed the other mutants you have been deluging with attempted communications.

Kevin: [Ignoring him] Now, Beast, if that is your real name

Beast: I can assure you it is not.

Kevin: You’ve been hiding out from the world for a very long time. Some people think you exist only as a legend, a rumor, a shadow in the night –

Beast: What on Earth are you talking about? I was an Avenger for several years. In fact, you see that bar on the corner? Simon and I once –  but no. That was… another me. [Murmuring, as if to himself] In fact, perhaps it’s better that you do think of me this way.

Kevin: And what way is that? As a secret mastermind behind a global conspiracy against mankind itself??? 

Beast: [Nods to himself and then looks up, as if resolved] Yes.  Why not. Yes, I do what I must to protect my people, and I do it well. And it is good for you – for humans – to be aware of what that entails. Especially after your recent appalling behavior.

Kevin: [Growing more excited] And that creature on the coast – those recent murders – you admit that you were-?

Beast: [Looking into the camera] What I admit is this: some of you humans attacked me- attacked Krakoa very recently, with your miniaturized assassins. Ingenious technology, but – thanks to my good friend Black Tom Cassidy –  it has not worked. I am still here. And you, my Russian friends, will not be able to say the same for long.

Kevin: Is that – Russian – so –

Beast: I know who you are. I know what you’re doing. I know everything that transpires on this world now, and rest assured, I – we – will stop it. And on that note, I must bid you adieu. And you, strange little man – do not try to contact me again. I have known fine reporters in my day, and you are not among them.

He turns and strides off camera. Kevin barely notices, bouncing with excitement

Kevin: I knew it!! I knew it!! Oh they called me crazy, well who’s crazy now??? ‘Russian’ – He practically admitted he’s in bed with Putin – probably got kompromat on the whole nation!!!  Man I’ve got to make sure they see this on Reddit

Kevin races out of frame. The camera hangs on the empty park for a moment, then cuts back to studio.

Reagan: We really need to vet our contributors better so we don’t keep bringing on conspiracy theorists. Anyways, thank you one again for tuning in to GC616, we’ll see you next time!

Categories
Comics

GC616 News for Marvel Comics Released 09/01/2021

The GC616 logo flashes across the screen and fades to reveal Reagan seated at the desk, looking at her phone as a notification comes in. She looks at it and laughs a little, shaking her head as she does so, exasperated at the antics of whoever has sent the text. 

Reagan: [Under her breath] Fucking Chad.

What had begun as animosity born out of the frustration that came with being forced to give Chad a position with the team as an attempt to absorb the audience that he would bring with him in the hopes of boosting GC616’s ratings from the get-go has, over the months since GC616’s first broadcast after the Hellfire Gala, evolved into the very early stages of a friendship between colleagues. A friendship that had required Reagan to set aside some of her preconceived notions and to ignore for brief moments the indignation she often felt at the state of broadcast news and how, decades ago, it had sacrificed ethics and meritocracy in favour of high ratings at whatever cost.

To put it briefly, Chad had grown from a nuisance to be dismissed as soon as possible to, at the very least, alright in Reagan’s books.

Someone clears their throat off-camera, alerting Reagan to the fact that they were live and that she had, albeit quietly, said “fuck” on air. As quickly as she can she straightens up and plasters a grin on her face, entering anchor mode.

Reagan: Good evening and welcome to GC616, our top story tonight comes from our correspondent on The Peak, Journo. Journo?

The camera cuts to drone footage of an information hub. Monitors cover the walls. Warning lights flash from five specific screens, each labeled with the name of a planet. An alarm klaxon can be heard in the distance outside the hub. Sat looking at two monitors is Journo, Agent of S.W.O.R.D. On the screens he’s looking at are images of the mutant Cable and the leaders of the Kree/Skrull Alliance; King Hulkling and his husband, Royal Wizard Wiccan. Journo turns to the camera, unlike his last broadcast, he looks like he’s had a good 5 hours of sleep at some point in the last 2 days.

Journo: Hey folks, got an update for you on this Dormammu situation. We’re holding our own, for now. There are various strike forces holding the flow of the tide across the galaxy. One of them was led by Cable to Battleworld of all places to… procure some weapons for S.W.O.R.D. The old man called the team the X-Terminators, because of course he did. Y’know, the kid who was going around recently, that young Cable? He was good people, but I have missed the old man’s way of doing things.

And seeing him fighting side-by-side with Cannonball and Boom-Boom again? What a treat. Anyway, with some additional assistance from S.W.O.R.D’s best agents, and the only strategic mind to rival Director Brand’s, Ranger Rocket, the forces of Battleworld were no match for our team. We’ve now got a pretty big bullet to help in the fight.

Journo looks to one of the monitors, taking in the information scrolling across the screen at lightning speeds. A smile crosses across his face and he turns back to the drone.

Journo: Ha, they did it! Not to sound too victorious because we’ve still got a long way to go yet before the celebrations can begin, but we’ve just had a couple wins on Skrullios and Throneworld II thanks to the leaders of the Empyre.

It seems that on Throneworld the remnants of the Supreme Intelligence were still lurking around and enacted a plan to destroy the planet. While on Skrullios, Dormammu, or some echo of him showed up to take what he thinks is his. While Hulkling was unequipped to deal with the threat of the Intelligence, and the same with Wiccan and Dormammu, they could deal with eachother’s. So what did they do? Believed in the power of love.

I’m not joking, their wedding rings are formed from the remains of Mar-Vell’s Nega-Bands so they translocated to the other’s location, and boom, threats neutralized. Now I’m gonna have to go, there are reports coming in about something Wakandan going down, and Brand will be wanting a report on that immediately. I’ll update you as soon as I can. Journo out.

As Journo turns back to his monitors, the camera feed cuts out before returning to Reagan in the studio.

Reagan: So it seems that Chad does not have a live report this week so instead, he texted me and requested I show it to you on air.

Reagan: Thank you Chad for that. Interesting new way to present the news. 

A brief pause before Reagan continues.

Reagan: Oh and good luck with Tabby.

Reagan: And now over to a Mister Sinister whose qualifications we’re still trying to verify with some more coverage from Krakoa!

Reagan: Hello?  Are you there Sinister?

Sinister: What?  Can’t you see I’m on hold with Sinister services right now?  I’m trying to find out about my current upgrade plan but I’ve been here for HOURS.  The Sinister system has been really put through the ringer this week so things are running a little slow.  Lot’s of new drama to catch you all up on!  I followed those trouble-causing Sinisters through the secret portal, UNDETECTED MIGHT I ADD, as we all slinked around the creepy warehouse over Murderworld.  Arcade, ever the master of misery, decided to bury the creepy amusement park he calls home two thousand feet underground and build a very cramped elevator down there.  It’s part of the torture too of course, the only music playing the whole time is Arcades mixtape of recorder covers to ABBA songs with the occasional ad-break for his Soundcloud.  How did I follow them on that tiny elevator you ask? Well-

Sinister: ARGH!  Where was I?  Ah yes, so the Hellions battle with Tarn the Uncaring and his Locus Vile continued on and our gang of beloved misfits and idiots was not faring well.  With the revelations of Psylocke’s betrayal, our lovesick Greycrow went a little off the rails and nearly ended reality as we know it by feeding Amino Fetus.  That at least managed to distract Tarn for a while to go “cast his child into a black hole” and the silly Arakki god-mutant left his fish-knife portal open for our Hellions to stroll on through and see what all the fuss was about.  And it was something beautiful.

Sinister Services: Hello, you have reached Sinister Services.  For cape enquiries, press 1.  For body upgrade enquiries, press 2.  For Scott-  Thank you for choosing 2, please hold…

Sinister Services: Hello?

Sinister: Hello, yes I wanted to ask if my body upgrade plan includes fancy Sinister-Arakki god-mutant chimeras?

Sinister Services: Hmmm, let me check.  It says here that any chimera project doesn’t exist, and even if it hypothetically did then it was blown up when – 

Sinister: SHHHH!!!  SPOILERS!  I haven’t gotten to that bit yet!

Sinister: Anyways, as Sinister Prime revealed his grand design, a chimera that will give him the power of Tarn, some non-Sinister secrets are revealed as Empath shows himself a TRAITOR and sets our harmless himbo Havok on a…harmful path, all in the White Queen’s name.  With Havok in one of his Axis moods again, there were some slight… explosions as the lab was destroyed, maybe even with Kwannon’s daughter’s DNA with it.  More importantly, maybe even the pilot program of that gorgeous chimera!  If I hadn’t managed to sneak through the fish-knives portal at the last second, even I’d be doomed!  While I wait on the other end for things to calm a bit, back to you!

Reagan: That is certainly a lot to take in all at once. Good luck with all of that. Now to Justin with some Avengers news. [Sarcastically] Everyone’s favourite superhero team.

Justin Partridge III sits behind his taped together TV trays, looking the most normal he’s looked so far. He wears a sort of consternatated face. His clothes, while admittedly lame, look fairly normal.

JPIII: So apparently the She-Hulk is red now? And a blonde?

Now I can hear you now, you simpering flesh-sacs called Citizens. “Now, Justin! We already knew that! She’s been seen kicking around with The Immortal Hulk and the Defenders lately! This is old news!” To which I say, WHY are you talking to me?

This isn’t THAT She-Hulk! This is the OTHER She-Hulk! The AVENGER! NOT the Defender! (Though, technically that other She-Hulk was a Defender too, once upon a time, but I can’t think about that right now or I will get a migraine I have to promptly drown with dark alcohol). BUT SHE’S GONE NUTS! And Bottle Blonde apparently, which I just can’t get over.

Rampaging all across the world, apparently doped to the gills on vampire blood and palling around with a depressed gorilla. By last word, the pair were on their way to Atlantis. No doubt looking to spread a little of her obviously venting rage on the King of Ab-Lantis, Namor McKenzie (Yes, That Is His Real Last Name, @ Me All You Freaking Want). Honestly, just saying it here now, it sounds like the dopest shit ever. A brand new Hulk, diving down in the depths of the earth, aiming to face Ol’ Wingfoot under the direction of some probably no-good nogoodniks. Only for later her friends, Earth’s Mightiest, to make the scene and hopefully bring her green jeans back to the side of the angels.

The thing is…I don’t give half of a rip about it. And I don’t think you should either. Frankly, s’not a very good report and barely even had Namor in it at all. Isn’t that disappointing? That a news report about Earth’s Mightiest HeroesTM can make someone, even someone as unfeeling and robotic as me, just NOT CARE? Even more so than I already DON’T care?

He sighs heavily. 

JPIII: S’just really depressing. I am really depressed now. THANKS, AVENGERS, you freaking clods. You’ve DEPRESSED ME. Back to you, I SUPPOSE, Reagan.

Reagan: Depression and the Avengers do happen to go hand to hand. Frustration too. And boredom. A lot of emotional responses to them, [under her breath] few are positive. Well, anyways. On to an update on a previous story.

As longtime viewers may know, Gabby Kinney A.K.A Scout was initially reported to have been murdered after the Hellfire Gala. After the Gala, we at GC616 issued a correction for that story explaining that Ms. Kinney had in fact not been murdered and had merely been briefly missing. 

We would like to issue yet another correction. Recent information that has come to light. has revealed that Gabby Kinney was murdered. Currently, our sources have yet to have revealed whether or not it is known who murdered Ms. Kinney.

In related news, Krakoa has seen movement on the front of establishing who counts as an individual in terms of being eligible for resurrection, something which could allow clones with identities separate from themselves to be eligible for resurrection. 

What this means essentially is that, should this become an established aspect of the protocols surrounding resurrection, there would be what would amount to a legal difference between say a Sinister clone and someone like Gabby Kinney, who was cloned from her older sister Laura Kinney A.K.A. Wolverine.

Well, that’s it for today. We’ll see you next time. Thank you for tuning in to GC616.

The logo plays and the broadcast ends.

Categories
Comics

GC616 News (Marvel Comics Releases for 08/25/2021)

The GC616 logo flashes across the screen and fades to reveal Reagan seated at the desk, this time with her hair noticeably lighter having had it bleached at some point between broadcasts.

Reagan: Good evening and welcome to GC616, tonight’s first story comes from Justin who has an exclusive interview with none other than Spider-Man himself. Justin?

The camera cuts to Justin Partridge III standing atop the GC616 Studios, once again filming himself on his phone and his cartoonish overcoat flapping in the wind. Revealing a pretty scarily accurate J. Jonah Jamison get-up, complete with the thickest suspenders you have ever seen. The picture pitches and sways as he tracks The Amazing Spider-Man swinging up and onto the ledge of the roof. Approaching Justin with a wave.

JPIII: Hello, Citizens and welcome back to the program. I am moments away from a one-on-one interview with Spider-Man, who reports have claimed has spent some time recently mixing it up with The Immortal Hulk, tearing a swatch of saticially rendered and oddly traced looking carnage over the Lower West Side and then later the Savage Land! We turn now to Spider-Man for comment.

He turns the microphone to Spidey’s mask, which just implacably stares back.

Spider-Man: Wait. Wuuuut?

Justin swings the microphone back to himself.

JPIII: Yes, as of deadline Wednesday, a new report surfaced on the wires that claimed in the wake of your confrontation with Karnilla, The Norn Queen, in a team-up with Black Cat, while YOU YOURSELF were in your “Black Costume”. You were thrown into a later conflict with a rampaging Hulk which then spilled out into the Savage Land! Where you tousled and scrapped in the shadow of Moon Boy and Devil Dinosaur! What say YOU to these claims, SIR…Spider-Sir…

He swings the microphone back to Spidey, whose eye holes seem to have contracted larger.

Spider-Man: I don’t…It feels like you are just saying all the words you know. I thought you wanted me to call your boss Reagan? Like, tell her she’s doing a great job and stuff? Is that NOT happening now?

Justin swings the mic back a third time and holds a finger to an imaginary earbud in his ear.

JPIII: My producers and not at all a buzzing pitch in my head tells me to say that this takes place after Incredible Hulk #300 but before Web of Spider-Man #1

The mic finds Spider-Man again. The mask seems to have a cocked eyebrow now. He “scratches” his head.

Spider-Man: I honestly have no idea what you are talking about BUT CAN WE talk about your Larry King costume?

JPIII: It’s not…it’s supposed to be JJJ.

Spider-Man: OH HA HA! Yeah, then those suspenders need to be WAAaaaaAAAAyyyyYyyyyyY bigger, my man! You gotta hike them way up too. Kinda like how Paul McCartney wears his bass like flagrantly high up on his chest? How can he even PLAY that thing?! It’s SO HIGH!

Justin sighs. At least he didn’t get punched this time. Spidey throws an arm around him and gives a “hang loose” hand.

JPIII: Back to you moldering, constantly decaying fleshies in the studio….

Spider-Man: We love you, Reagan and #FranklinIsAMutant!!!!!

Before the broadcast can cut back to Reagan, the “Checkin in with Chad” logo appears as his techno beat plays without a clip this week. Once the logo fades, Chad is standing with a hot dog staring at the camera. He seems uncharacteristically mad.

Chad: Are you %#*^ing kidding me? That &@&/in guy gets to talk to Spider-Man and I have to report on this stupid @$$ human centipede dude? Big %#*+in deal this week. Norman Osborn made a deal with the Devil and sold his son to the Devil or something? Mephisto? How about you Mephisto these nuts dude? Can Spider-Man just beat this guy already so we can stop dragging this out? #*<%! 

Chad closes his eyes as he takes a very deep breath and sighs before taking a bite of his hot dog.

Chad: Sorry, it’s been a long week. This kid I assistant coach basketball for in the Bronx… this kid Connor is an incredible player but he’s also the best kinda person. Would give you the shirt off his back and has the biggest heart. The kid had a full ride to Empire State University. But now he’s sick… can’t play ball anymore. It’s like his entire life was pulled out from under his feet in a moment.

Chad turns away from the camera for a moment to use one of his hot dog napkins to wipe the tears from his eyes. 

Chad: Life isn’t always fair, viewers. As hard as we try, sometimes things change. Nothing is certain in life so just… I don’t know… appreciate every moment and love slash live to the fullest. You matter. Anyway, there’s a new Darkhawk out there. Dude looks SICK. Like cool frickin plasma wings and >#%&. Busted some crooks in the Bronx who were using some sci fi laser weapons. Really digging his get up. Awesome to see more heroes out there. Back to you Reagan. 

Reagan: Thanks Chad, I’m sorry about the kid you’ve been coaching. 

She takes a deep breath before moving on to the next story.

Reagan: Now we have Jordan with some news from Russia.

Cut to a small cramped room, lit by candles, books sprawled all over the floor. Jordan Edwards is sat in the center, pouring through scrolls and jotting down notes in his journal

Jordan: Ah greetings GC616 viewers. I’m Jordan, your liaison here at the Sanctum Sanctorum, and student on the sorcerer supreme. It is here where I can view much that transpires throughout our world. This includes international affairs, of particular note, The Winter Guard. This elite group of Russian superpowered individuals has been pulled together once more to track down Yelena Belova, one of the Black Widow’s and Alexi Shostavok. Belova is now under the watch of Natalia Romanova, the other Black Widow. She has just recently escaped the custody of Carol Danvers, in which she was questioned on the location of She-Hulk. 

It doesn’t help matters that Russia’s top assassin the Red Widow, has brought together a new Winter Guard with Chernobog, Vanguard, Vostok, Ursa Major, Crimson Dynamo and Darkstar. Prior to Belova’s capture by Danvers, the Guard was sent in to apprehend Belova and the Red Guardian as they search for something aboard the Koschei Air Station. What followed was an all out….. 

A tentacled monster suddenly bursts through the door, knocking over the camera and pinning Jordan to the ground. Someone follows behind quickly afterwards, kitted with a large cleaver, a bandaleir of vials and a large sack. 

Wong: Hold very still! 

Wong heaves with all his might and swings the cleaver straight into the creature

Jordan: What in the Vishanti was that!? 

Wong: A bog hydra from Katharta. Stephen and I have been conducting experiments in that realm, this was a great success. 

Jordan: Can your success not be barging into my room? 

Wong: Your room? Don’t forget where this room resides Edwards. This is the Sanctum Sanctorum and any manner of creature could make your every waking moment a living hell. I would suggest that you lock your door, and prepare yourself for dinner at 6. We’ve ordered Indian.  

Wong grabs the Hydra, dropping it into his sack. He hurls the sack over his shoulder, exits and closes the door. Jordan readjusts the camera and continues.

Jordan: Ahem, where was I. Ah yes. Belova and Alexi do battle with the Winter Guard. Alexi manages to somehow control the Crimson Dynamo causing his suit to explode, I am unsure how he was able to do so. Regardless, Belova and Alexi make good on the distraction and escape with a briefcase containing a remote titled ‘Operation Snowblind.’ Belova prodes at the idea of a mole on the Winter Guard, yet Alexi refuses to answer as to who. Given my resources here at the Sanctum, I’m well aware. However I will leave that discovery to come to you in time dear viewer. Until next time, stay safe and may the Vishanti guide you.  

The feed cuts back to the studio where Reagan prepares to deliver the final story of the evening.

Reagan: Thanks Jordan! Finally, our last story of the evening. Earlier today Thor was spotted thwarting a robber attempt by the Wrecking Crew with the help of Valkyrie. Unfortunately, Thor wasn’t able to stick around for long after saving the day as he was alerted to what was likely some pressing kingly duties by his two ravens, Huginn and Muninn. It’s unlikely that we won’t find out what’s going on in Asgard sooner rather than later, these things do tend to affect Earth for some reason.

Reagan pauses.

Reagan: And with that we’ve come to the end of out time tonight, we’ll see you again next week.

The logo flashes across the screen and fades to black as the next program starts.

Categories
Comics

GC616 News (Marvel Comics Reviews for 08/18/2021)

The GC616 logo flashes across the screen and fades to reveal Reagan sitting at the desk, a solemn look on her face as she begins the show. 

Reagan: Good evening and welcome to GC616 News. Tonight, shocking news from Krakoa as the mutant nation makes public the death of Wanda Maximoff, also known as the Scarlet Witch. 

Originally thought to be a mutant herself, Maximoff has been public enemy number one to mutants since M-Day, also known as the Decimation, the event in which all but a handful of mutants were depowered. Prior to it being revealed that neither Maximoff nor her brother Pietro were mutants, they were both founding members of the Brotherhood of Mutants and early members of the Avengers. 

Krakoan authorities have not revealed much due to the ongoing nature of the investigation but they have confirmed that Maximoff’s death is being treated as a homicide. No suspects have been revealed at this time but social media speculation is placing everyone from Mystique to Exodus to Magneto himself as her murderer.

We will keep you updated on this story as it unfolds. In the meantime, let’s turn things over to Journo, our “Special Cosmic Correspondent”, reporting live on the developing Annihilation event.

The camera cuts to drone footage of a supply closet converted into an information hub. The room is bathed in red as the monitors that cover the walls flash emergency warnings. An alarm klaxon can be heard in the distance. At the back of the room, sat hunched over a desk, is Journo, Agent of S.W.O.R.D, GC616 Reporter. He turns on his chair to face the camera. There’s bags under his eyes, he’s clearly not slept in a while, but he still manages a smile to the audience at home.

Journo: Hey folks, don’t know how much time I’m gonna have with you today. The situation out in space is rapidly deteriorating. We now have confirmed reports that 5 worlds have been attacked by Dormammu’s forces and it’s all hands on-deck here up on The Peak. Brand has split S.W.O.R.D forces to assist Emperor Hulkling and the Royal Consort on the Empyre’s respective homeworlds. We’re all on-call to provide assistance whenever necessary.

The Guardians of the Galaxy meanwhile have split their forces among the other world’s currently under attack. Reports from The Proscenium confirm that Dr. Doom is assisting, though he likely thinks he’s in charge, being the despot he is. Anyway, he’s developed a theory that the five planet’s being attacked form a pentagram, and that it’s Dormammu’s plan to bridge our universe with his Dark Dimension. It’s not good.

As he’s contemplating this, the screen’s in Journo’s information hub start flashing an even deeper red as some new data streams in. The drone camera picks up an image on a monitor labelled Spartax an image of an enormous figure emerging from a portal. Journo swings his chair round to take in the info. He lets out a quiet swear under his breath.

Journo: That’s… That’s bad. Dormammu, who was already pretty big having taken over Ego’s head now has a body to go along with it. And is that… Nova facing off against him? He’s so small I can barely make him out. Umm, Reagan, I need to head up to the command room to report this. I’ll be back for another report when I can.

As Ethan darts out of the room, the camera cuts back to Reagan in the studio.

Reagan: [Hushed but stressed] Dornammu is. Not good news. 

She sits there, eyes big before remembering that she’s in the middle of a broadcast.

Reagan: Umm…Thank you Journo for your reporting, we hope to see you again soon, stay safe. Now let’s go to Katie with some news about Felicia Hardy a.k.a. Black Cat.

The camera cuts to Katie, adjusting her shirt. She is wearing a red and white baseball t-shirt with a giant yellow star embroidered on the front. What message she is trying to send to the audience with this flashy attire is anyone’s guess. Her cat, Felicia, lays asleep on the desk in front of her today. 

Katie: As a reporter here at G616, it’s my job to seek out information. Sometimes, I send a companion in with a wire tap. Sometimes, I show up at people’s doors unannounced. You never know what kind of method I’d use to find a good scoop. Nothing illegal though, I can assure you…

Felicia’s ears perk up for a moment. Katie pets the cat and pushes her ears back down.

Katie: In one of my latest eavesdropping–investigative adventures, I heard an intriguing conversation. It was a starry night the other evening, and I couldn’t sleep. My…colleague set out the next morning to scope out a building with two suspect superheroes, since I was too exhausted from scrolling through cat pictures all night. Anyway, I’m here to report a new update on the Black Cat thievery saga! 

Katie: My new associate uncovered information about a stasis chamber having been stolen the same night Black Cat stole a large object from the docks. You’ll never believe what was in this chamber — a body. Not just any body, but, and don’t hold your breath since my source tends to get their paws tied up like a cat’s cradle, but the body of hero-turned-anti-hero: Star! We haven’t heard about her in about five years or so? Who knew the reality-warping hero was stuck in a glorified coffin this whole time? 

Tired of sleeping, Felicia gets up and shakes her head at Katie. Obviously, this cat has been working hard. Katie seems to have been hardly working.

Katie: We are still trying to figure out what the Black Cat wants with this untrustworthy woman. She can literally destroy our reality. Star can eavesdrop like no one else with her enhanced hearing powers. No wonder she was a journalist! Did I mention that she also previously merged with the Reality Stone?! If Black Cat and Star are teaming up to hunt down the Infinity Stones, this is shaping up to be an un-furr-tunate series of events! Fur-give me for the cat puns. You may want to wish for safety on the next shooting star you see. Back to you, Reagan. 

The camera cuts back to Reagan.

Reagan: Thanks Katie! Now onto Bobby with some news from X-Corp.

The camera shows a room with the Madrox duplicates. It moves quickly around the room, showing them working and then it focuses on this young man sitting on the sofa. It’s Bobby Varghese Vinu, wearing a suit.

Bobby: Evening GC616! It appears that X-Corp, one of this year’s interesting start-ups has apparently become a major shareholder for French pharmaceutical conglomerate Noblesse Pharmaceuticals. I wanted to verify this and this time, I seek to not make a joke of myself.

The camera focuses on one of the men coming towards Bobby. It is Jamie Madrox.

Jamie: Well, this is a surprise! How did you get in here?

Bobby: Door was open. And I know that this wasn’t the time we agreed on for our second interview, but after hearing about the news with J.P. Kol, I wanted to verify what was going on?

Jamie has a stunned look on his face.

Jamie: What are you talking about? I don’t remember anything.

Bobby smiles.

Bobby: Don’t lie.

Jamie: Yeah fine. We bought out the people under Noblesse. It was a vote, and everyone was on board. Well, we did have one member who wasn’t on board. 

Bobby: You know that the media is gonna hound you on this right? We have nothing against the mutants and our news is unbiased. But the others won’t.

Jamie: Sure, and maybe now these companies know who we are, and they might not try to jerk us around. We’re powerful. We’re mutants. We’ve had our name smeared numerous times and you think this is gonna stop us?

Bobby: It’s just…

Jamie: Just what?

Bobby sighs

Bobby: You and I are different. I know that. You and the other mutants do things differently. I respect that.  It’s just that I am worried about the anti-mutant sentiments.

Jamie: Who cares? 

Bobby: Look I don’t see it like that. I can see what you’re trying to do. You are mutants and you are fighting for yourselves. And not every human is gonna see this like that.

Jamie: It doesn’t matter what they think.

Suddenly Jamie sees something outside of the window.

Jamie: You need to get out.

Bobby: Wha—

Jamie grabs Bobby and pushes him against a broom closet. He closes the door.

Jamie: This is for your own good. Don’t leave the room.

Bobby’s voice is muffled.

Bobby: Uh, Jamie, will you come back? And be careful out there! I don’t wanna be stuck here forever you know. 

The camera cuts back to Reagan in the studio looking perplexed.

Reagan: Hope everything turns out fine Bobby! Now let’s go to Ireland for an update on some Mutant activity over there.

The camera cuts to a small, seemingly empty, stone room that almost looks like a castle’s basement.

Reagan: Hello?  Is someone there?

Padraic: Yes!  Can you please tell your camera man to point that bloody thing down a bit so we can crack on?

The camera pans down to reveal a small ginger leprechaun dressed all in green standing with a microphone looking annoyed.

Padraic: Your man’s not the full shilling quite frankly, where’d you get this eejit anyways?  So those X-men returned to Ireland and as usual, they made a right mess of things.  With those posh tools over in England buggering up the deals for those fancy Krakoan medicines, all those melters really accomplished was making the border even more of a nightmare.  And the Marauders are having their own wee supply issues, what with their fancy boat completely banjaxed, so the black market is a bit buggered too.  All those problems got the  Russian mob and some of the local hallions having a gander round one of those Hellfire warehouses, and trouble was bound to go down. Thankfully everyone’s favourite mutant, Banshee, was there to save the day and show those chancer’s what’s what.  Or that was the plan anyways, till those Verendi Reavers showed up to ruin it all and chuck a big bomb into the mix.  If it weren’t for those Marauders arriving just in time we’d be in proper bother.


Padraic: We even managed to get a wee clip of Banshee’s reaction to the Marauders arrival:

Banshee: SCCCRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Padraic: Class.  With the Marauders on the scene Emma Frost got right to evacuating all the folks caught poking around the warehouse while Jumbo Carnation and Captain Kate fought off the Reavers.  That lass Tempo went about slowing down time around the bomb to turn those seconds into minutes.  Time for Tempo indeed!  Of course Tempo only slows time, not stops it so that bomb had to go off eventually.  While the locals legged it, Kate Pryde kept tempo out of phase while the warehouse blew up.  Verendi may have destroyed some medicines today, but with the departure of one of their members, through some meddling by the Cuckoos,  it’s not all great for those eejits. 

Padraic:  Right, that us then? Banshee has brought the crew back to Cassidy Keep so time to get hammered!

Reagan: Is our Ireland correspondent really a leprechaun? Is that…ok for us to have done? Anyways, on to Justin with some news from both Krakoa and Gamma Flight. Justin?

Justin Partridge III sits at the side Correspondent Desk (which looks suspiciously like four TV trays taped together). Over his right shoulder a giant piece of posterboard is taped to the GC616 backdrop. It has a crude silhouette of Galactus and the words “GOD WATCH” spelled out in glitter glue.

He is dressed like Brian Fantana, but looks like he spent all his money on the wig and fake moustache. His sling is gone. 

JPIII: Thank you, Reagan and thank YOU, Citizens. ::he takes a deep breath::

GOD WATCH! 

Things have been getting downright metaphysical during the week, throughout our little universe, and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to track. But that’s the job, fellow Citizens, and we here at GC616 are the best at what we do. And what we do ain’t very…well, it actually IS pretty nice, now that I think about it.

From the Krakoan wires, more reports of unrest and wanton, almost gleeful, violence have started to trickle through. Though the Quiet Council are still proving mum in regards to the day-long absence of one of their heads of state, Professor Charles Xavier, and the pitching violence other denizens of the island-that-used-to-walk-like-a-man are all too happy to speak up. Though I can’t seem to recall who exactly provided me with the following quote.

“It’s weird, it’s like everyone is in “hardcore party mode” all the time”, said the…one mutant I talked to. Who was…slightly bald, I think? Had one of the older jackets, I wanna say? “They push and push and push. Into all hours of the night. And then something just…always snaps. And it always ends in a resurrection. No matter the situation. It is gettin’ kinda grim, I can’t lie.” 

GC616 reached out to The Quiet Council for comment, but was met again with a stony silence. Even in the wake of ANOTHER Council member, Kurt Wagner, recently also becoming “unavailable” after what appeared to be a catastrophic celestial event over the new Krakoan planet Mars. Wherein one of its moons, Phobos, almost fell into the planet’s atmosphere. Only to be BAMF’ed several lightyears back before it could. We hope to know more in the coming days.

On the Gamma Beat, it seems also that Gamma Flight is missing. Again. 

After a rollicking battle in the Texas capital, the team seemed to…for lack of a better term, “blink out” once the rampaging Skaar had been dealt with. Local authorities and S.H.I.E.L.D operatives quickly locked down 8th Street and the side street Quadalupe, much to the chagrin of the town’s population of disgusting hipsters and crust punks wishing to drown their sorrows in overpriced chili and soapy beer. 

Former Gamma Flight Commanding Officer and Current Alpha Flight Commanding Officer Henry Peter Gyrich had this to say about the team’s missing status. 

“F^&k those kids.”

More on these stories as they develop. Until next time or the inevitable heat-death of your central star, Fleshies. Whichever comes first. Reagan?  

Reagan: Thanks Justin! Now let’s check in with Chad who I am [obviously reading from paper] making a clear and concerted effort to be kinder to. Chad?

The electronic beats start as the Checkin’ In With Chad sizzle reel begins. A highlight from this week’s highlight reel starts with a close zoom shot of Scarlet Witch’s mouth as she says the words “No more…”. The shot quickly pans out as she finishes her sentence with the word “cups!” as she sinks the final shot in a beer pong game. Chad and Wanda chest bump as Doctor Doom pours luke warm beer over his mask because Chad refused to give him a straw. When the reel ends, Chad is sitting at an Applebee’s bar.

Chad: What up Chadlians! Chadsters! BroChadskis! Another week of who even cares anymore dealing with our friend Spider-Man! So like all of his villains have been going for him non-stop because the Human Centipede basically told everyone that if they didn’t, they’d go to hell. I had a priest tell me that once after I polished off the church wine. Listen, if Jesus didn’t want me drinking his blood, then it shouldn’t get me so f#$*&^ up! Anyway the centipede dude summoned some other dead bozo from the grave to shoot out some spooky ghouls or something. No one gets in. No one cares. Spider-Man is going to be fine. Besides, there are two now, remember?

A waiter drops off a plate of wings in front of Chad’s at the Applebees in Times Square.


Chad: If you’re ever in the Big Apple, you better come to this Applebees. Tell them I sent you! So back in my neighborhood, there has been this weird string of attacks. They’re saying some geriatrics have been attacking people at night. Which is weird because they’re old… just push them down. It’s fine, they had good runs. But the dude running The Midnight Mission, Moon Knight, got called in to handle it.

Chad eats one of the wings while on camera but doesn’t speak with his mouth full.

Chad: I know this because I have been trying to get a date with Reese who runs the place with him. She’s a smoke show. By smoke show, I mean vampire. Because like that dude Bella Thorne or Well-go-see, I can’t remember the actors name…the dude who played Dracula in those black and white snooze fests could turn into smoke. Anyway, she can never get lunch and always says she can’t because she is a vampire but I think she’s just trying to make the Chadseter woo her. But anyway…


Chad slams the rest of his beer on the counter after finishing.

Chad: From what I hear, Moon Knight drank some janitor’s sweat. Listen, I will never yuck anyones yums but dude. But through that, he drove the dude bonkers and he fell over. It freed all the old folks. But it seems like something bad is coming for the neighborhood but I think Moon Knight is gonna be good for us. Back to the studio! Gotta finish these wings!

Reagan: Thanks Chad! Now rounding out our show is the first in a series of reports put together by our correspondent Max, on to you Max!

Screen cuts to a picture of Kang during one of his several battles. The somewhat squirrely voice of a man plays over it.

Max: Hi I’m Max, Amateur superhero fanatic, reporter and historian and my goal is to make superheroes more accessible to the general public both for education and transparency purposes. Welcome to my new series: “History Of” where I’ll be documenting the “History Of” several superheroes and villains and maybe those in between and beyond heroes and villains. As you can probably guess right now and for the next 4 episodes we’re covering Kang the Conqueror, not much is known to the general public about Kang beyond a few pictures of him on the news but I’m here to take you back the moment where Kang became Kang which I definitely didn’t hear about by stumbling upon a drunken Kang one night in New York.

We see a different picture of what appears to be fan art of a young Kang. Throughout this segment, different images of Kang are being played. 

Max: According to my sources, Kang does indeed come from earth, just not our earth, a future earth from an alternate reality apparently so he’s definitely not an alien just like a human from a different universe a thousand years into the future. So how did he become the villain we see the Avengers fighting in all our cities. Well according to what Kang told m—what my sources tell me, Kang was at some point taken in and trained by himself from either an alternate reality or the future, they were unclear on that. He was trained for a year apparently in the Mesozoic Era right before the meteor hit. The training conditions were brutal, Kang was regularly humiliated, beaten and abused by his older self. However even in this supposed hell, Kang apparently even managed to find some form of solace, meeting a human in the Mesozoic Era which shouldn’t be possible but that’s what he-I mean ‘they’ told me. This fun little vacation in the Mesozoic Era apparently ends when Kang got tired of the conditions and murdered his older self, taking control over the suit, using it to travel to a different point of time. In that moment, it was said that a “Warrior and Conqueror was forged, one that would no longer study history but be a part of it” according to my sources. And that’s it for this episode, tune in next time as we continue to look into Kang’s past and maybe even his present.

Rather than return to Reagan in the studio, the screen cuts straight to the logo before the feed is cut and a terrible low-budget horror movie starts playing.

Categories
Comics

GC616: Spider-Man/Venom FCBD Special Report

Chad’s logo appears this week with little fanfare, the logo quickly dissipating as Chad sits at a diner booth across from the camera. His leg bounces nervously as he presses his hands to his face. Chad’s outfit consists of Yeezy flip flops, floral shorts, and a pastel button up shirt. His flowing blonde hair is tied back in a headband of his most recent ex-girlfriend. If you didn’t know him, you’d assume the worst about him and his character. Most people do.

Today, Chad was having lunch with his brother; someone who thinks Chad is a disgrace to journalism. Chad is a bit rough around the edges as the audiences fully understand by this point but it is clear he means well. Dexter’s biggest concern is that Chad has had to work for nothing, he just lucks into things without the burden of fully understanding the impact his position can bring.

Chad: Hey everyone, sorry this might get a little awkward. My brother is meeting me for lunch. I’m excited to tell him some of the things I learned about Spider-Man through REAL research. This might be a BIG story that’s about to break and Chad has the big scoop. My brother has hit a rough patch and I want to help him out. 

Dexter: A rough patch? This isn’t a bump in the road. The system is working as designed, CHADWICK, the system for which you manufacture consent!!

Dexter enters the video as he sits across from Chad, they are stark parallels in stature and vibes. You’ve seen his type before if you’ve ever entered an MFA program, or accidentally locked eyes with a man sitting alone in the corner of the hip new bookstore/bar co-op, then glanced away hoping he hadn’t noticed, but oh no, oh god, he’s coming over, oh god he’s asking if you’ve ever read Bukowski—

Dexter looks like a David Foster Wallace cosplayer who had never seen a photo of the man. He looks like someone who just stumbled off of a CBS backlot after working as an extra in a new multi-cam comedy about vagabond American Studies professors. His jacket says “I own several Bob Dylan albums on vinyl, and I could not name a single song of his outside of, uhhhh, The Watchtower? And…… Mr. Jones. That one about a guy named Mr. Jones?” In fact, the more you look at him, the more he comes to resemble the eponymous character of Dylan’s “Ballad of a Thin Man.” His eyes dart around the room like he expects, at any moment, for someone to jump out and declare that the past hour, day, or maybe even year of his life has been a practical joke for some obscure hidden camera show. If you look closely enough, you can see that his thumb is twitching. No, not twitching, just moving, habitually moving as if it were eternally scrolling a doom-filled feed. He hasn’t shaved, and he very much has the patchy kind of facial hair that really, really needs to be shaved. If these men were made by a video game’s robust character creation system, Dexter would have been created by moving all of Chad’s slider’s to the opposite extreme. No middle sliders for either brother. Dexter’s glasses appear to just be, well, ordinary glass. No real lenses there. Etc etc.

The viewers can see a big smile paint Chad’s face as Dexter scoots into the booth, trying to not be affected by the comment.

Chad: Glad you could make it brother! Did you want to hear about Spider-Man? Or the Spider-MEN!

Dexter: That’s what we’re going to talk about? Elon and Tony Stark just cofounded FeCoin and we’re talking about irresponsible and icky insect men? I mean, ok, if that’s what it takes to have a conversation with my brother, yeah, I guess I’d love to hear about the Spider-MEN.

Viewers who have seen Chad’s boisterous and often belligerent attitude can clearly see his spirit being drained as the excitement he had for this big break quickly begins to diminish.

Chad: Do you know who Bushwacker is? Dude can turn his arm into a gun. He’s sorta like the T2 from T2 if you remember watching that when we were kids…

Dexter: Oh. Wow. Yeah. We loved that tape. We watched it so many times we wore it out….

Dexter pauses for a long time. Lost in a memory, before he remembers that he’s not just in public, but on camera.

Dexter: But I mean, whatever man, Bushwacker? Sounds like a gardening tool. So he has gun arms? Ok. Good for him. 

Chad: So that guy was hired to kill some Oil execs, I mean good riddance right?

He puts his hand up for Dexter to high five him, knowing full well that it would hang there. That won’t ever stop him from trying.

Chad: Yeah, anyway, Spider-Man shows up and shows him the business. One of the execs posted the fight to his instagram story. Spidey’s new suit is made with impact-thickening foam-based polymer. I don’t know what that really means but I am glad Spider-Man felt comfortable telling everyone he was polymer.

Dexter: Ok… so Spider-Man saved the lives of the people destroying the planet and then attempted to distract from his villainous behavior by talking about… polymer. That sounds right for him.

Chad: Hold on, you can say whatever mean stuff to me that you want but Spider-Man is a good dude. He saved people’s lives when he stuck his own hands in Bushwackers guns. They sorta exploded and it was really sick to watch. 

Dexter: HE PERMANENTLY MAIMED THE GUN GUY? HE BLEW UP THE DUDE’S HANDS?! FOR OIL EXECUTIVES? Chadwick– 

Chad: I don’t care if their jobs are shitty, no one deserves to die. No one. Spider-Man puts his life on the line to save people so have a little respect, dude. Please, you know how much I care about Spidey… 

Dexter raises his hand to interject— he wants to argue— but he sees something in his brother’s eye. It’s not anger, but a kind of pain. Pain that he isn’t sure if he can still talk about the things he loves with his brother, who has changed so much, who has grown so bitter, at times even, Chad thinks, (or would think if he knew the word), malevolent. 

Chad: and besides… it wasn’t even the normal dude. That dude is dealing with the human centipede stuff. Check this out!

Chad pulls his phone out to show Dexter the footage he was sent by someone off the books.


Chad: It’s that other one who wore the hoodie! He got a new costume and it sounds like Spider-Man is his job which is cool. Speaking of jobs…

Dexter: The machine that binds us all in this capitalist hell, yes, go on…. 

Chad’s childlike smile and glee returns as he reaches into his gym bag to grab a manilla folder before handing it to Dexter. Inside is an offer of employment from GC616. Their budget has grown from the massive surge of viewers that Chad brings from his youtube fame. 

Chad: I talked to my boss, Reagan, and she thought you may be a fit to follow up on what happened with that Venom dude after the whole city was taken over in goo. She said that the station is doing really well and that we can afford to bring someone else on. When I heard that, I almost kicked in her office door to get your name on her desk.

With his full heart, Chad wanted to see Dexter succeed. There was not an inkling of holding this over his head or even being owed a favor. He wanted to see Dexter do what made him happy. He knew he would be great at the job. Chad knew how much smarter Dexter was and how he would be a much better journalist. Plus a chance to see his recluse brother much more often would be really nice. They didn’t get to spend as much time together these days.

Dexter: Chad…

As Dexter takes the envelope, as he tries to respond, a number of emotions cross his face.

Dexter: I don’t need hel— 

Shame, intense shame.

Dexter: I mean, I mean, the blog is about to really take o— 

Performative arrogance, or maybe performative hope.

Dexter: I mean, I mean— 

He looks into his brother’s eyes and sees, again, something there that makes him turn away. He takes his glasses off, turns away slightly as he begins to polish them. Chad recognizes this; it’s what Dexter does when he doesn’t want someone to notice that he might cry.

Dexter: I mean, thank you. Thank you so much. GC 616…. I honestly can’t believe it. Wow. This is. This is real. We’re gonna be coworkers?

Most people would respond in a normal manner, a simple yes or a nod. Chad is not most people. The audience can see as Chad nearly flips the table as he leaps across it to hug Dexter in his muscular arms as he brings him close to his chest. The table’s contents spill off and roll onto the floor as Chad holds his brother tightly before sitting back.

Chad: Sorry! I will clean that up!

Chad speaks directly to their waiter before looking back to Dexter.

Chad: Fuck yeah we are, dude!

Chad interrupts himself as he notices the time on the clock in the diner.


Chad:I hate to do this but I need to run. I gotta make a meeting with Monster Energy who wants me to slam one of their drinks in my next report. Call me later tonight!

Chad pushes himself out of the booth with his gym bag strapped over his shoulder but he has clearly forgotten his camera as the footage keeps rolling.

Dexter: Ok! I’ll call you!! I need to get the details on this Goo Beat— oh, he’s, he’s gone. 

Dexter looks to his right, to an empty seat.

Dexter: Yeah, given the circumstances, a good place to end up. I guess I’ll tell them all about— the new Venom, that kid? And about how Brock is going through space now, saving pirates and things, having portentous visions. I don’t know what they all mean, but it seems bad. Seems like bad things are coming his way. Loss, flame. No, no, I’m not getting sentimental. No, I’m taking this seriously! I’m not sentimental. I love my brother, but that won’t influence things. It won’t. I’ll be… I’ll be the voice, the kind of voice we talked about. The kind of voice you say people need. I mean, I mean, the kind of voice people do need. Yeah.

And just before the camera cuts out, it looks like— something, something… gooey begins to emerge from Dexter’s glasses. And it almost sounds like another voice, a harsher voice, speaks out, just as the feed cuts.

Malevolence: Yeah, it’s what they need alright. You and me, kid. That’s what they need. You and me.

Comic Covered:

Spider-Man/Venom Free Comic Book Day Special by Zeb Wells, Kelly Thompson, Saladin Ahmed, Al Ewing, Ram V., Cody Ziglar, Bryan Hitch, Patrick Gleason, Andrew Currie, Alex Sinclair

Categories
Comics

GC616 News (Marvel Comics Releases for 08/11/2021)

The GC616 logo flashes across the screen and fades into a shot of Reagan seated at the news desk.

Reagan: Good evening and welcome to GC616. Our top story tonight concerns the takeover of Stanworth Prison by the inmate Daredevil. According to sources, Detective Cole North has entered the prison per Daredevil’s request. As usual, we will keep you updated on this story as it develops.

Meanwhile, law enforcement is still asking everyone who lives in New York City to continue to stay inside and to cover any windows until Bullseye is caught. We will keep you updated on this story as well.

Now onto our next story from Katie. Katie?

Somber music plays in the background of a picture montage video scrolling by on the screen. Images of Reed Richards — the heroic Mr. Fantastic — show him stretching his body in the shape of a parachute bringing children safely to the ground, and Reed slings his arm over his wife, Sue Storm, in a group photo of the Fantastic 4. The montage fades out, replaced by the words, Reed Richards. In loving memory of our elastic, genius, leader. The camera cuts to Katie looking sorrowful, while her cat, Felicia licks her paws absentmindedly. 

Katie: Unfortunately, I have to share sad news today. It’s easy to pose questions in life. What if we lived in a world without superheroes? What if I didn’t have to go to work every day? What if I had a cat who could traverse the multiverse? What if? No one ever wants to think about the harrowing aspects of losing a loved one, though. What if my sister or brother died today? Sadly, for Fantastic 4 members Sue Storm, Johnny Storm, and Ben Grimm, a venomous scenario came true. 

Katie: The symbiote that infested Spider-Man, turning him into a ghastly killing machine the last few weeks transferred to Fantastic 4 leader and ingenious scientist, Reed Richards. Somehow, the symbiote violated Richards’ superior intellect, combining forces to infect several Avengers members and other superheroes with the invasive symbiote. A partially-clothed Spider-Man entered the Baxter Building by climbing up its walls with his sticky-fingers. No one was able to identify him while he was unmasked. Human Torch Johnny Storm and his sister Sue Storm battled an alien-esque Reed to keep Daily Bugle reporter Mary Jane Watson safe from the symbiotes. Why Miss Watson was at the scene at all remains unclear. 

Katie: Richards, with a sickly elongated body and a crimson-colored head like that of Red Skull, used a possessed Thor to break Sue Storm’s force field with Mjölner. She almost plummeted to her death and died at the hands of her own husband — a devastating image for spectators and fans of their tight-knit relationship to witness. Spider-Man interrupted the rooftop fight by offering himself up as a sacrifice. Later, we learned Johnny Storm was masquerading as Spider-Man through an image inducer created by Richards for the purpose of masquerading Ben Grimm. 

Katie: Although the distraction worked, it came at the cost of Mr. Fantastic’s life. The venom symbiote separated from Richards’s body, tearing through his torso and ultimately rendering him dead. Thankfully, the Human Torch engulfed the symbiote in flames under the guise of Spider-Man. Eradicating an alien evil came at the cost of Reed Richards’s life. Sources indicate how the symbiote feared Mr. Richards’s superior intellect. Well, we need to fear no more. Death is no stranger here in a universe where heroes don spandex and masks, protecting the public while risking their own lives. We remember Reed Richards and his ultimate sacrifice. Perhaps it would bode well to contemplate this: What if there was a universe where Mr. Fantastic was still alive?

She hugs Felicia tightly, tears escaping her eyes as the camera cuts away

Reagan: Umm. Katie. Mr. Fantastic is still very much alive. I’m pretty sure I saw him in Starbucks two hours ago. Are you sure you’ve been reporting news from this universe?

She pauses before moving on to the next story.

Reagan: Anyways, here’s Kevin with some news from Krakoa.

The camera cuts to Kevin in his trenchcoat and fedora; his head is bowed so that his face is in shadow. He stands that way for about 30 seconds, just long enough to be awkward, before suddenly snapping up.

Kevin: Weapon X!  Weapon Plus. These are powerful names. Frightening names. Names to conjure by.

He mimes lighting a cigarette, though he does not actually have one, and points to his definitely-not-crazy wall of photographs. Front and centre is a grainy, out of focus image of Wolverine, and an even poorer image of the monstrous Man-Slaughter.

Kevin: While some fools and short-sighted news stations have questioned their existence, here at GC616 we know these covert programs exist and have for some time. And this week, I can report that two of their products seem to have made contact; the much-rumored deadly mutant agent known as ‘The Wolverine’ has brought in the long-hypothesized creature called Man-Slaughter.\

Reagan (V/O from Studio): You know Kevin, we uh… definitely know that Wolverine exists. He pops up a lot pretty much everywhere – I mean he was on the Avengers for a while and everything. To be honest I don’t even know where you got that terrible photo, we have a *lot* of very high quality footage-

Kevin: (Cutting her off): That’s right. We know that Wolverine exists… just like we know he is part of a top secret mutant black ops team engaged in an ongoing secret war against a shadowy cabal of human interests calling themselves XENO.

There is an audible sigh over the microphone from the studio. Kevin ignores it.

Kevin: What did the mutants hope to gain from Man-Slaughter? Well, our sources ain’t quite sure, but it might be related to reports that a group of those crazy ‘Order of X’ cultists –  (Kevin pauses as though hearing something in an earpiece) – I’m sorry, extremely valid alternative religious believers – were possessed by some sort of plant-creature in New Orleans and then launched an attack on Krakoa. Some mutant sources even report they may have had themselves a battle on the island afterwards, though of course nobody knows nothing when it comes to that place.

Reagan (V/O): Again, this is absolutely not true; GC616 actually has multiple reporters covering all sorts of aspects of life on Krakoa, many of whom actually do their jobs, I might add. In fact, we already know there was a fight and the ‘plant-possessed’ people were fought off by-

Kevin: (Cutting her off again): In this shadowy world of rumors and uncertainty, only one thing is for sure here at X-Force Watch. No conspiracy of mutants or humans will keep us from keeping you in the loop.

Camera cuts back to the studio, where Reagan is massaging her temples.

Reagan: I want to make it very clear that GC616 does not endorse any conspiracy theories of any kind. Now onto Justin with some more X-news. [muttered as the camera cuts to Justin] we really need to have a talk about our hiring practices.

The screen behind Reagan blips and changes to another self-shot vertical portrait of Justin Partridge III. He is dressed in a comically large overcoat with a stupid-ass Tom Brevoort hat complete with his PRESS card. He stands in the shadow of The Treehouse, the newly grown New York headquarters of The Uncanny X-Men. Well-wishers and fans surround Lorna Dane AKA Polaris, as she blesses them with her presence (venti still in-hand).

It also seems like Justin’s right arm in a DIY-sling of some sort, heavy bandages supporting the appendage and holding up his GC616-branded Microphone.

JPIII: Yes, good evening, studio and Citizens. I stand outside of The Treehouse, looking for some kind of comment on the recent scandalous accusations that have come to light, suggesting that the former X-Men sister-team, X-Factor, were complicit in the deaths of four Latverian mutant-nationals by the hands of their regent, Victor Von Doom. I am going to try to get a comment from former Factor-member and current member of the X-Men, Lorna Dane, now.

Justin slightly pushes through the crowd to the shining and smiling face of Lorna, which instantly falls as soon as she sees him, the phone, and the weird sling.

Lorna: Um, hi? D’ya want me to sign the cast-thing or…?

JPIII: Justin Partridge III, GC616 News. I wondered if you might have a comment on the recent allegations that have come to light about your former team’s actions during the Latverian Embassy Crisis of 1986?

Lorna: Eighty-Six? Um…That’s X-Factor biz, dude. I’m on the X ::she fans her hands into an X for emphasis:: MEN now. You might have heard? “I AM the Big Gun”? That sorta stuff? Basically, I rule.

JPIII: No, you absolutely do and I’m a Capital H HUGE fan, but recent reports have alleged that you and your team, specifically Rahne Sinclair, not only failed to quell the mutant aggression in the Latverian Embassy, but also basically SERVED the rebels to Doctor Doom in order for him to execute them personally.

Lorna blinks heavily and purses her lips in thought for a second. She takes an additional beat to take a long, heavy drag from her coffee, draining it completely and then basically crushing it into a dwarf star with her hand.

Lorna: This is about that stupid f&*$in’ “Legends” comic, isn’t it?

JPIII: W-well, I’m not at liberty to reveal a source-

Lorna: No, f%^k that, gimmie yer stupid phone.

She flexes her open hand forward and Justin’s Phone/Camera (But Mostly Phone) flashes to her hand in less than a second (also flinging Justin forward several dozen feet, spilling him onto the grass, and unfurling the arm sling in the background).

Lorna: I know a lot of you weird-beards out there are crazy obsessed with “continuity”. That, for some ungodly reason, there is an entire market of comics out there explicitly geared towards providing you dinks the “story before the story” or the “stories between the stories” or WHAT-ever. Here’s the thing, though. Stories don’t really need to BE EXPLAINED. Nor does every single “iconic” moment need to be led up to or “fleshed out” in some needless way. Stories are meant to be ENJOYED and the stories you’ve already read? Those “Iconic” ones? They are done. You don’t need to go back to them. In fact, you should actively AVOID it. Why do you wanna hear the same bulls%^t twice? From some “different angle”, no less? Who? The? F$&k? CARES? I certainly don’t. Neither should you. We are doin’ PLENTY of new stuff here. Pay attention or it won’t be new anymore and you will have missed everything cool and died angry.

She takes a beat.

Lorna: Those Simonson issues were pretty cool though…

She drops the phone and walks back toward The Treehouse. The Camera cuts back to the studio.

Reagan:Another elucidating report Justin. Now something a little special. We now bring you a new reporter in the field. They came to us in a letter from our parent station’s lead anchor Dan. He said that this reporter comes highly regarded in the circles of magic… Well, let’s check in with what they’ve got for us.

The framing of Reagan suddenly shifts from the long focal length of a studio camera to the wide-angle lens of an iPhone as it’s clear to the audience they’re seeing on the street footage. The “reporter” is faced away from them, bathed in the neon lights of Lowtown in Madripoor as rain trickles down a dark green half cloak. The cameraman and the reporter’s pace is steady as they push through their ways through the crowded streets of Madripoor, the camera bouncing with the camera person’s footsteps. Despite the streets brimming with lights, sounds, and souls…the only voice that could be heard through the speakers of the viewers displays was their voice.

Stranger: Thank you for joining me tonight, viewers. As you can see, I come to you from the lovely streets of Madripoor. I apologize but I do need to bring you with me for just a moment as I speak to someone.

His hand motions for the camera to follow him into a large and rather rowdy bar with large neon letters above the bar that reads “Princess Bar”. For a moment, the camera catches a glimpse under the hooded cloak. Most of the reporter’s face is covered in a mask other than his mouth. He waves his hand for the cameraperson to sit. The reporter sat across from another suspicious figure who started to speak to him, the voices coming in clear to the audience.



Baron Mordo: Always a pleasure, Taneli. Dr. Strange had a strange visitor, the Masked Raider. There was a quick spat between the two as they measured their manhoods with spells and abilities before taking a chance to speak.

The audience gathers the stranger’s name from the conversation, Taneli. 

Taneli: As in Masked Raider from the Enclave? That group has made and broken kings. What does the Raider want from Strange?

Mordo: It seems as if another member, Carlo Zota the true last member of the enclave, was creating some experiment which doesn’t matter. What matters is that Zota was trying to use a book of magic to use a time magic spell.

Taneli: As if regular magic didn’t come at a cost. Did you bring what I needed?

Mordo: A simple water breathing incantation? Yes, I have it. But I want you to know, they’ve reformed the Defenders. A rather hodgepodge team…

Without missing a beat, a small object clanked onto the table and a small pile of tarot cards laid across the table.


Taneli: I have to keep tabs on the magic users, I have to stay three steps ahead. If I’m not, if I falter, I die. Again. There is your payment. The Defenders are somewhere before time, meaning there is no chance for Strange to help me. Thank you for meeting me here. I have to go. Oh, Mordo! One last thing.

Taneli stood up from the table and gestured his hand up and twirled it, light forming around it before the camera was turned away from him. It only took a moment for the audience to realize that there was no camera man. The camera was being held afloat through magic, a weak magic though that caused it to falter.

Taneli: Our meeting was broadcast multiverse wide so if you turned on me, everyone would see. So until next time.

The camera was now held by Taneli as he stepped through a portal as he turned the camera to himself.  The mask was now clear to the audience as his cloak sputtered around him as he freefall through the sky downwards.

Taneli: Yes, I’m on the run. This gig is for money to support what needs to be done. So the Defenders are back, that’s news right? That’s what you came for. Right, anyway, see you soon.

As he is about to sign off for his report, his body hits the water hard as the splash swallows him and the phone. The feed fizzles as water ruins the phone and the feed goes black.

The camera cuts back to the studio.

Reagan: Well then. That’s all for tonight, see you all next time.

The logo flashes across the screen and fades out, the feed cut immediately afterwards.

Categories
Comics

GC616 News (Marvel Comics Releases for 08/04/2021)

The GC616 logo blazes across the screen, revealing our anchor Reagan seated at the newsdesk, this time with bangs. 

Reagan: Good evening and welcome back to GC616 news, our top story today comes from the X-Men who recently fought off the Annihilation Wave in Kansas.

She pauses.

Reagan: You know, I’ve been thinking recently that it’s almost like all of these news stories run on a monthly schedule. It’s like there’s some. Cosmic Writer or something that’s deciding that all of our heroes have little stories that play out during the same week each month. 

She shakes herself out of her sidebar and returns to the matter at hand: the news! Afterall, the idea that some higher being is scripting out everything that happens and deciding what the Avengers and X-Men et al face and when is preposterous isn’t it.\

Reagan: [Somewhat shocked] I have no idea where that little tangent even came from. Anyways, back to the news at hand. As I said before, the X-Men recently saved a small-town in Kansas from a large group of absolutely disgusting bug-like creatures known as the Annihilation Wave. Skin crawling! Here to give some more insight is out correspondent Sloan Morris. Hey there Sloan!

The camera cuts to Sloan, one of GC616’s younger correspondents. They’re standing in front of a smoking crater on the outskirts of Iola, a small town in rural Kansas. Beside them is one of the locals, Gerry.

Sloan: Hey Reagan! That’s right, the X-Men did in fact save the town of Iola from the Annihilation Wave. I’m here with one of the locals who saw it happen and even sat down for a meal with the heroes in question.

They turn to Gerry.

Sloan: Now Gerry, can you tell us what you saw here today?

Gerry: Well, we noticed something was wrong when a meteorite made entirely of bugs crashed outside of town. Honestly, we were about to try to figure out how to call the Avengers in by the time the X-Men had already shown up and saved the day. They made real quick work of all of the bugs too, one of them, Sunfire I think his name was, fried them all using his fire power. It was something that was for sure.

Sloan: And you said that you invited the X-Men to stay for a meal as thanks?

Gerry: Of course we did! People show up and help you out of the kindness of their heart? The least you can do is help them out by providing a good meal. And anyways, it was already set up. Doesn’t make a difference whether or not they stay and eat at that point. 

Sloan: I see. Thank you for shedding some light on the situation Gerry. Back to you Reagan!

The camera cuts to Reagan back in the studio. She’s playing with her bangs. They are after all new and she hasn’t quite had time to get used to them.

Reagan: Thanks Sloan! Now on to Katie with some Hulk news.

The camera cuts to Katie reporting in front of the Baxter Building. Her black cat, Felicia, walks in a pattern on the ground. Upon closer inspection, the cat appears to be creating the illusion of the number “4.” 

Katie: Hello all. I’m reporting live from the Baxter Building, better known as the headquarters of the family superhero squad, The Fantastic Four. From the outside here at 42nd Street and Madison Avenue in Manhattan, a quiet pall has fallen over New York City. Jade giant, the Hulk, and his beefy compadres, battled the Avengers not long ago. The city has been reeling from the showdown, avoiding the streets. Apparently, the Avengers, Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, have also hidden themselves inside the Richard family tower. 

Only an hour prior, a witness saw Hulk, She-Hulk, and MIA reporter Jackie McGee enter the Baxter Building. You might as well string up a sign that says, “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.” Did the Green Goliath smash his way through the puny heroes during an inevitable rematch? We can only assume another grim outcome when you place the formidable Hulk against the rocky will of Ben Grimm. 

She gazes upon the towering structure, pondering a possible allyship between the two bulging beasts. Felicia shakes her head.

Katie: Perhaps the two reconciled before crimson colors ignited under the Baxter Building. An eagle-eye witness observed a boiling red plasma hue leaching through from below. The source says they blinked and the red evaporated as if a portal had been closed. My source indicates how they felt as if an “entryway into a city of woe” had been opened. Sounds pretty hellish, in my opinion. The Hulk and Ms. McGee have not surfaced since the reported incident.

Felicia meows haughtily until Katie bends down to pick her up. The black cat perches atop Katie’s shoulder in cat-loaf position.

Katie: She’s so spoiled. As above, so below…Back to you, Reagan! 

The camera cuts from a close-up on the contented cat over to Reagan in the studio.

Reagan: Thanks Katie, and what a cute cat Felicia is. You’ll have to send me more pictures of her later. Now we have Mr Sinister back with some Sinister Scoops. What’s the goss, Sinister?

Sinister: Welcome back to Sinister Scoops with me, MISTER SINISTER!  The best Sinister, who has left behind a ridiculous life of mad science to focus on the most important thing in life, making news reports on clones of yourself and the man you were cloned from!  While I hear Krakoa has been up to all sorts of interesting business recently, no Sinister someones were involved so who really cares?  It’s time for the team that matters most, THE HELLIONS, and their fearless leader Sinister.

Sinister: When we last left our delightful group of disasters, it seemed some Sinister sins were coming back to haunt us.  After that awful business in Amenth, Tarn the Uncaring wanted a little bit of revenge for the DnA that the Hellions gathered while there, which is quite frankly rude.  Hasn’t Tarn ever heard that sharing is caring?  A little birdie/giant worm man informed this Sinister that the Great Ring of Arrako didn’t give Tarn permission to seek his vengeance, but Arakko is having as much trouble keeping it’s resident mad geneticist with a god complex under control as Krakoa is.  

Sinister: After a brief tussle between our beloved Hellions and the Locus Vile, it almost seemed like victory was assured thanks to the ever-surprising Nanny, Orphan-Maker and Wildchild.  After their tragic deaths in Amenth, their bodies seemed to have adapted just for vengeance against their murders, and vengeance they were having.  So of course that spoilsport Tarn the Uncaring had to show up thanks to his fancy little “fish knife” or whatever, and ruin everything.

Sinister puts his hand to his earpiece.

Sinister: I know it’s called a “Blade Fish”, I was making fun of that Arakki asshole!  ANYWAYS with Tarn here the tide turned quickly in the Viles favour.  If it wasn’t for Sinister’s quick thinking and diplomatic skills, our heroes could have lost once again!  After dispelling all of Tarns lies that he may have been responsible for the deaths when the remaining Hellions returned from Arrako, which I must again reiterate are 100% lies and there is no proof to his claims, Sinister was able to unleash some of the less interesting Sinisters from the wombs of Bar Sinister to fend off our intruders.  Now THAT’s what I call a Sinister War!  During the chaos our main Sinister and the one left behind in Arrako were able to reunite thanks to a shared love of…cameras.  Not chimeras, that’s for sure.  Some people may have heard “chimera”, but that’s not right.  Sinister has gotten really into photography.  Retreating through a Krakoan No-Gate designed only for Sinister and having such faith in the Hellions ability that he left them behind, the two Sinisters go to talk about cameras somewhere only Sinisters can go.  If only we knew a Sinister who couldn’t say no to a scoop?  

Reagan: Thanks for keeping us updated on all the hottest goss Sinister! Now to Chad. Who I am continually surprised that we haven’t fired.

The electronic beats start as the Checkin’ In With Chad sizzle reel begins. A highlight from this week’s video starts with red fruit punch being poured into a large glass jar with one hand and a handle of Everclear with the other. As the camera starts to pan out, it becomes clear that there is the large disembodied head of the incredible Hulk floating inside. Chad drops the empty bottles before grabbing the camera and yelling “We call this one Chad’s Immortal Jungle Juice, FULL F#@$*&^ SEND”.  When the reel ends, Chad is sitting on a bar stool watching another channels report on a huge attack on Spider-Man.

Chad: Yo everybody. Welcome to my favorite bar, the bar with no name. This place gets rowdy as hell. I was supposed to meet some buddies here tonight. But they’re all on the TV right now hunting Spider-Man. I should probably be in that Graveyard reporting on this but I couldn’t find my way to the dead center of town. Looks like they’re all dying to get Spider-Man. I tried ringing up my boy Shocker but I think that’s a dead zone. Honestly I think that human centipede guy is after Spider-Man or something. Spidey is going to be fine. He always is. I just wish my bros didn’t stand me up. I just wanted to have drinks tonight after a depressing lunch with my brother. He told me I am making a mockery of journalism but like… I’m just doing my best. Whatever. I am gonna slam a couple of jager bombs and go bully some of those villains like Spidey does. See you next week, I guess.

Reagan: [Under her breath] Huh. Can’t believe I’m feeling bad for Chad. [At full volume] Thanks for that… toned down report Chad. Now to Brason with some Symbiote coverage.

We cut to Brason speeding down busy traffic, eyes wide after what he just saw. 

Brason: A green symbiote has just escaped a nearby nursing home as I was leaving the scene at Alchemax. I have never seen anything that tall and creepy in my life. Oh dear!

The camera pans over to a gas station with the green symbiote we know as Lasher standing tall. A gruesome scene has just played out with civilian bodies everywhere.

Brason: We have to get the hell out of here. We’re already late for today’s Krane rally, I feel there’s going to be a big announcement.

Lasher runs off to elsewhere but there is no time to follow. The rally is close to over. Brason whips into a parking lot and runs through an even more riled up crowd than last time. 

Senator Krane: …But we will not be silenced anymore.

Brason: What the hell have you done, Krane?

The crowd goes into a riot, unlike anything Brason’s ever seen. He runs back to his car. 

Brason: This certainly will not end well at all. With all the chaos in the city already, Krane is just adding gas to the flame. Remind me to never get wrapped up in symbiote drama after this.

Reagan: Will do Brason! And with that we’ve reached the end of our time. I’m going to spend some time thinking about the nature of the universe and the fact that it increasingly feels like time is a flat circle and we’re all just repeating the same four or five events on a monthly basis. I hope all of you have a great night! See you next time on GC616.

The GC616 logo flashes across the screen before fading out. Before it fully fades out and the feed cuts the muffled voice of the camera man can be heard.

Jamie: You okay man? That was pretty existential there.

The feed cuts out before Reagan’s reply can be heard.

Categories
Comics

GC616 News (Marvel Comics Releases for 07/28/2021)

The GC616 logo flashes across the screen before fading to reveal Reagan with a serious look on her face.

Reagan: Good evening and welcome to GC616. Before we begin, the NYPD has released a statement regarding the recent spate of killings in Hell’s Kitchen.

She takes a breath before reading out from a sheet in front of her.

Reagan: [quoting] “It is believed that a series of recent murders in the city are, in fact, the work of the serial killer known as Bullseye. Bullseye is presumed to be armed and incredibly dangerous and as such, the NYPD and the office of Mayor Wilson Fisk are advising that citizens stay indoors with the curtains drawn while both the superhero community and law enforcement continue the search for this culprit.” 

We here at GC616 hope that all of our viewers in New York are staying safe. Now, on to Journo with some news from the Peak.

The camera cuts to drone footage of a long curving corridor, to its right, a sweeping view of space. Earth is just visible in the drone’s periphery. The drone is following a figure running through the corridor, he’s decked out in a teal-blue jacket. It’s Journo, Agent of S.W.O.R.D, GC616 Reporter. 

An alarm klaxon can be heard ringing out. As he makes his way down the corridor, Journo passes an open doorway. The drone swings its camera around to look through it and we see Emperor Hulkling appear out of nowhere, dropping neatly on a medical bed. Journo eventually comes to a stop outside his supply closet-turned-information hub. He turns to the drone, a smile breaking through his clearly tense expression.

Journo: Hey folks, Journo here, live once more from The Peak. Things have only gotten more hectic since last we spoke. Dormammu has been sending Mindless Ones to every major hub of galactic importance.

He moves into the supply closet, red warning lights are flashing across all the monitors. Journo takes a seat at his desk and continues speaking.

Journo: Throneworld II, political capitol of the Kree/Skrull Alliance has been badly hit. From our reports it looks like Emperor Hulkling took drastic measures. He brought in Captain Glory, a prisoner after his actions during the Empyre event, to give assistance. And it seemed to work for a time. They were holding their own, Accuser Lauri-ell was holding the southern front. Then it all went to hell.

That’s where we came in. With Alpha Flight not responding, Abigail Brand led a strike team to Throneworld II to rescue the Emperor. I don’t think her intentions are wholly for the Alliance’s benefit, but there’s no problem in turning a situation to your own advantage. Frenzy went too. Damn my boss is cool. 

Anyway, they managed to rescue the Emperor, whose injuries were quite grievous. Manifold transported him to the medical bay, and now I’m waiting on a further update from Brand or Frenzy to confirm they’re either pushing the Mindless Ones back, or are transporting back to The Peak.

Journo taps a couple buttons on his keyboard and one of the monitor screens changes from flashing warning lights to an image of two figures enjoying dinner by a beach.

Journo: In quieter, though no less dramatic news, Storm, the Reagent of Sol, sat down for dinner with Doctor Doom. Port Prometheus on Planet Arrako reported all went well at first, conversations were had, compliments were made. Then there was some disagreement, news reached Storm of what’s happening across the galaxy, a bolt of lightning struck, and the dinner came to an end.

I’ll be back soon with some hopefully better news about this situation, but for now, this is Journo, signing off. Back to you Reagan.

The drone footage fades to black, alarm klaxons still going off in the background, before the camera cuts back to the studio.

Reagan: Thank you Journo, and now on to Adam with some more Krakoa coverage.

The camera cuts to a darkened room with a large board on the wall covered in names and pictures that seems to resemble a family tree.  A large section labelled “Nathan Christopher Charles Dayspring Askani’son Summers”  takes up around half board and is covered in string trying to create some sort of timeline.  A man sits in the middle of the room sobbing holding one of the photos from the board.

Adam: I…just…don’t…understand…HyperStorm…

Reagan: Um…is this a bad time?  Should we come back to you later?

Adam: What?  No…no.  I’ve got this.

The man straightens up and faces the camera as an image of a young Cable appears on the screen.

Adam: CABLE IS AT IT AGAIN!  After recruiting his band of family, friends and Deadpool to go confront Stryfe for yet another final battle, sources say that the group travelled to Limbo to face him.  Those sources were demons however, so I’m not entirely sure how trustworthy they are.  Or how they got my phone number.  Thanks to some slightly more reliable human recorded footage from before they set off, it does appear that there are now TWO Cables in the main timeline as well as Stryfe, which doesn’t even surprise me at this point.  After several young Cable’s were spotted fighting in Japan, two Cables of different ages seem almost normal.  According to the strange Limbo demons, Cables young and old teamed up and killed Stryfe, something that I’m sure will stick this time, and the several babies that Stryfe had captured and cloned were saved.  We reached out to Stinger, the mother of one of these mutant babies involved in the events, who said she “didn’t mind the sudden addition to her new family, although the new one does seem a bit strange.  In certain lighting it’s almost like his eye…glows?”.  Well don’t worry Stinger, I’m sure glowing eyes are perfectly normal for a kid his age!

The image changes to the older version of Cable now, and Adam looks slightly relieved.

Adam: My source on Krakoa, who will not be named and definitely isn’t just a drunk Gabriel Summers in the Green Lagoon, have informed me that with Stryfe now defeated the younger Cable has departed this timeline while his older version sticks around.  Several heartfelt goodbyes were had in the Summers House as the young Nathan returns to an unknown future.  There was also a tough farewell between Cable and Esme of the Stepford Cuckoos, who had struck up quite the romance recently, but you never know what the future may hold for these time-crossed lovers!  Although this may be the end of young Cables adventures for now,  I’ll miss the little scamp.  Even though he shot me that time I tried to interview him.  Back to you Reagan!

Reagan: Thanks Adam! Now let’s go to Katie with some news on infamous cat burglar, Black Cat.

A black cat saunters up to Katie in the studio. The cat wears a collar adorned with six rhinestones. Each rhinestone gleams with a different color. Purple, blue, red, orange, yellow and green hues signify each stones’ importance. She picks up the purring feline and sets her on the desk before beginning her report. 

Katie: Your name is Felicia? How cute! Where did you come from, girl? 

Hello! Last night, the greatest thief this side of the multiverse managed to pull off yet another heist! Witnesses saw the one and only Black Cat effortlessly bounding across rooftops. She never misses a step, proving, once again, this cat must have skills like Bastet herself. You think Black Cat has nine lives? Try infinite lives. Curiosity can’t kill this cat.

The claw-some Cat infiltrated a warehouse on the docks. What was she after? Well, a sudden blackout occurred at the exact moment a helicopter was heard around that location. It’s a good thing cats can see in the dark!

Felicia the cat purrs in approval.

Katie: While the contents of the stolen cargo remain unclear, a large containment unit sporting a nuclear waste symbol was reported missing by local docks workers. Sources report that the stolen box is, “roughly the length and width of an adult-sized coffin.” I hope nobody was inside that thing!  

Terrified citizens reported hearing multiple gunshots high above ground. Amidst the racket from screaming people, the hovering helicopter, and the shootout, it’s a miracle Black Cat escaped with her claws intact. Was Black Cat intercepted? Who was shooting at her? I can’t say for sure, but it’s evident the ferocious feline didn’t go down without a fight. 

The Black Cat’s whereabouts are currently unknown. Who knows what destiny awaits her! Oh, and don’t try to find Black Cat, or you might lose one of your own lives. Back to you, Reagan!

Reagan: Thanks Katie! Let’s go to Jordan with a report on the Eternals.

The camera cuts to a dimly lit room, filled with books and manuscripts and ancient artifacts. It’s the Santcum Sanctorum, home of Doctor Strange. Strange’s current student GC616s Sanctum liaison Jordan Edwards peers into a portal watching events unfold. 

Jordan: Greetings. Working with the Sorcerer Supreme brings with it many exciting possibilities. The opportunity to meet powerful individuals in intriguing places being one of them. Case in point The Eternals. Earth’s supposed guardian angels. I have been watching these powerful beings as of late and will report to you my findings. 

Several Eternals have been fighting the mad titan Thanos, a particularly vile and powerful creature of evil. It seems he was revived by the Eternal, Phastos. The two seem to have formed some vile pact, wherein Thanos is forced to co-operate. Dealing with one such as Thanos never ends well with anyone involved, so the actions of Phastos are unwise, to say the least. 

Thankfully his other Eternals seem to be aware of this fact as they attempt to battle Thanos. They seem to be doing particularly well in this exchange as well. Thanos is having significant difficulty holding down this many Eternals. This might be the defeat of Thanos after all. Wait! The Eternals are being ejected from the loop by the machine. I’ve lost track of them viewers. They seem to have been sent elsewhere. No matter, I shall direct my gaze to Phastos. Oh dear. Phastos seems to be severely injured, and the machine seems to be damaged beyond repair. Supposedly this could ring forth the end of our world, it may be worth summoning Strange for this. Ah, thankfully Ikaris rus has just arrived on the scene and is flying off to confront this threat. But wait! Out of the shadows slinks the devious Druig, who has leaped into the consciousness of Phastos. 

I’ll explore this further at a later date, the most important person of note currently is Ikaris, let’s see how he’s handling the Machine. Oh my Ikaris has just been incinerated, sacrificing himself to contain the blast. The day is saved but at the cost of the life of an Eternal. Worry not though dear viewer Ikaris being an eternal shall surely return, especially now that the Machine seems to be operating once more. But wait?! Well this is a startling revelation, just as Ikaris has been revived again, so too has the boy he swore to protect died. It seems that the Eternals have a dark secret underpinning their long lineage. Interesting, this shall surely shake these mighty cosmic beings. This will require further study, in the meantime be careful viewers be well and may the Vishanti protect and guide you.

Reagan: Thanks Jordan! Now let’s go to Chad who we apparently haven’t gotten rid of yet.

The electronic beats start as the Checkin’ In With Chad sizzle reel begins. A highlight from this week’s video is Chad being smacked onto the floor of Krakoa at the Hellfire Gala after saying ‘Diamonds aren’t the hardest thing on Earth’ to Emma Frost. When the reel ends, Chad is sitting in the coffee shop of a large bookstore. Most viewers assumed Chad didn’t know how to read nor has ever picked up a book.

Chad: What’s up dudes! I know you all missed the Chad man over the week. It’s been a solid week for me. I got a new protein powder. It’s called “Beast’s Blue Balls” supposed to make your hair more rugged. Anyway, I was told I need to catch you up on Spider-Man after we teamed up for that brawl against the sinister sixty-nine. UP TOP BRO!

Chad is talking aggressively loud in a quiet bookstore cafe as he reaches his sleeveless arm over to the table next to him for a high five. They get up to leave.

Chad: Straight up NO chill. Whatever. So I definitely got away from the fight and didn’t trip over Scorpion’s tail and knock myself out on a theatre chair despite what you heard on Twitter. But honestly, some shit happened with like a centipede guy or whatever, kinda hard to follow and honestly kinda hard to give a shit. You wanna see something gnarly though?

Chad holds up a comic to the camera that’s filled with pulp adventure-style versions of heroes everyone knows like Spider-Man, Captain America, and Black Widow.

Chad: So to keep it 100 with you, this book is called Amazing Fantasy and I thought it was going to be like a nudey mag or some like buff bros and hot babes with dirty writing but this thing rocks. It’s like someone wrote John Carter of Mars fan fiction starring our heroes, yeah I know John Carter. I saw the movie. But, it’s like WHAT IF these heroes got teleported to a world with dragons, winged lions, and swords? Spidey is in it too and he meets a hot chick with an eagle friend so I think this fulfills my contract of talking about Spider-Man. Back to Reagan in the studio! This is your boy Chad, PEACE.

Reagan: Thanks Chad, always a joy. Now we’re going live to Justin with some Knightly news.

The screen behind Reagan is once again erupting into chaos. London is being broken down for scrap, pulsing red energy seems to be cracking the buildings and breaking them into a new…slightly Medieval looking structure. The frame then swings into the streets where Londoners with crackling red eyes run rampant through the streets.

Our POV swings one last time to finally somewhat frame Justin Partridge III. He is dressed like the Distinguished Competion’s Shining Knight, but is still filming his remote reports on his phone. He has a selfie-stick this time, however. One that looks a lot like those cheap telescoping fake lightsabers you see at the bargain bin sections of Targets. You know, those weird bins by the entrance? Justin adjusts his helmet and speaks into the phone.

JPIII: PANIC on the streets of London, but no word yet on the streets of Birmingham as THIS reporter WONDERS TO HIMSELF could life ever be sane AGAIN?!

As you can…somewhat see behind me, the buildings of London are in…flux, shall we say, breaking down from their original construction and reforming into a structure not unlike the picture backdrop at Medieval Times where I had my birthday last year! And right after the new rapid redesign of the London skyline, Londoners then took to the streets in a sort of 28 Days Later-esque rage! 

Officials and authorities are quote “scared shitless” about the new development and have reached out to local superteams Excalibur and MI-13 for some kind of response. Witnesses have claimed to have seen Black Knight entering a building close to the energy’s epicenter, but those SAME witnesses have also claimed that the hero was mainly just muttering into his phone and quietly sobbing through his helmet too as he advanced, so I maybe wouldn’t count too much on him turning the tide at this point.

This reporter wonders if maybe the English put too much stock in the concept of “knighthood”. That perhaps we must rely on ourselves to protect-

Off-Screen Street Tough: OI! THERE’S ANOTHER KNIGHT! FOOKIN’ KICK HIM IN!

JPIII: Aw, nertz. Two seconds, Citizens.

Justin attempts to flee the scene, allowing viewers a full view of the once Off-Screen Street Toughs that were just moments ago shouting and now advancing on him with cocked fists and malice in their eyes. He tries to run but the AC-16 mid-weight chainmail he wears fails the Dexterity check and he spills onto the pavement, met soon after by a hail of work-booted feet and more jeers. We barely see the whole scene, just random stomps and elbows peppering the frame.

After a moment they stop and walk away, high-fiving aggressively. Justin stands again and looks like he has just been hit with a dozen cartoon catfight clouds. The armor holds though, despite some slight hooligan-damage. Justin starts to speak, but his hand seems to pop off, spilling to the ground connected to a sort of metal hose. Almost like his hand was on a spring coiled inside his body the whole time.

JPIII: WHOOPS, whaaaaat? That’s so ODD. Welp! I guess that’s all for me! From London, I’m Justin Partridge III. Good night, and good LU_c_c_c_c_K.

The camera cuts back to the studio.

Reagan: Thank you Justin, I hope all is well with whatever is going on with your hands. Perhaps you should see a doctor about that. Anyways, now onto our new correspondent Max with some news on a battle between the Avengers and a glob-like being.

The camera cuts to a a short chubby man in a white dress shirt and brown dress pants, he stands in front of a white wall with what appears to be a low budget re-creation of a news set, with a projection presumably from a cheap off-screen projector making up the visual aspect of one. 

Max: Hi I’m Max and my team scours New York trying to bring you folks the best reports of what exactly goes down during those intense battles we all watch from afar. Today we have an update on yesterday’s battle in Manhattan between the Avengers and the gigantic being dubbed the “glob”, which eyewitness accounts have described as a “giant monster that consumed everything it came across”, resulting in the destruction of several blocks. Correspondents and eyewitness accounts from the scene at the time tell us that the encounter started with The Hulk being the first of the Avengers to unsuccessfully attack the creature, with one description stating that the monster seemed to “absorb” The Hulk’s attacks. This was followed by further unsuccessful attacks by Captain Marvel and even Thor.

As he describes the events, three separate images flash across the projection showing stick figure re-enactments of the events.

Max: Our eyewitnesses confirmed that it was Black Panther, who finally brought down the monster. We now have footage from a civilian interview we conducted describing the events.

The camera hastily zooms in to the projection and we see it transition to what appears to be a middle aged bald man in work clothes with Max interviewing next to him with his phone acting as a microphone, the video starts to play.

Max: Can you tell us who it was that eventually took out what you’re calling “The Glob”?

Middle-Aged Man: It was the Black Panther who finally did it to em.

Max: And can you describe exactly what it was he did?

Middle-Aged Man:  He jumped into the thing, the glob’s mouth,  it seemed like nothing happened but then the monster just started shaking and fell over, I saw him walk out after that

The camera cuts back to Reagan in the studio.

Reagan: Thank you Max, and with that, we’ve reached the end of our time today. We’d like to once again remind our viewers to stay safe and to stay indoors until Bullseye is caught. Goodnight. 

The GC616 logo flashes across the screen before the feed cuts out.