As the previous show ends and GC616 begins, audiences are greeted with a new theme song. One that consists heavily of electronica and synthesizers. As the title credits close and the cameras turn on in the “studio” audiences are greeted by their new lead anchor, Chad. Chad’s previous work was on his highly popular youtube show “Checkin’ in With Chad” where he romped around the 616 interacting with all sorts of heroes and villains. Now, though, he seems to have made a change for the serious for his new position as lead anchor as one of the multiverses biggest news reports. Chad stands with a long sleeved Venomeister shirt on.
Chad: What up multiverse? It’s me, ya boi, Chad to report the news for GC616! Back at it again to bring you the news from Earth 616 out here in the multiverse. We got hit with a big blizzy out here in New York so I’m all bundled up in a long sleeve shirt rather than my typical tank top. Cold outside like it is in my heart without Wolverine to light my path. Was that emotional enough? I hope I connected with you viewer. So Wolverine is still asleep but there’s some other mutant hijinks going on all over. Like get this, Valkyrie straight up crashed through a hospital to stop Mystique, the hot blue one, from killing Moira MacTaggert, the hot Scottish one. Don’t know why. I think Moria did some thing with like reincarnation and like lied to everyone with Magneto and Chrome Dome. Feel like shit, just want Wolverine back.
Chad: Let’s pop over to Charles to see what story he’s in charge of tonight.
The camera cuts over to Charles, standing, wearing a nice suit.
Charles: Charles here reporting on what’s happening in the streets. Our reporter infiltrated the barn in Upstate New York and got footage of Cap and Iron Man apprehending Veronica Eden, as we knew they would!
The Paladins were also there, and considering they were not in handcuffs I guess they were helping.
Anyways, Cap and Iron Man left the scene, and it is impossible to track them but we had the brilliant idea of following their new sidekicks, the Paladins. This quest took us to a place where many people fight some of the most important battles of their lives: a coffee shop. We weren’t surprised when we found the group of teenagers just sitting on the roof having heated arguments between them.
That may sound boring BUT keep in mind these young heroes always go back to action, and something tells me they are our way to get more and better coverage of our favorite frenemies! Back to you Chad!
A message from GCG616 appears on the screen: Please beware that although it may not seem like it, the Paladins are a trained group of super-powered individuals. To the underage folks watching us, please do not attempt to replicate their acts without adult supervision.
Chad: They made me put that message. But listen to this, one time it was Black T Cass, the Jug man himself, and me. We bough a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20s and slammed them in a grocery store parking lot. Tom pushed me into a shopping cart into the glass sliding doors, it was HILARIOUS. But then Juggernaut tried it and he took out half the store. Sometimes trying sick stunts is cool but other times, it’s also cool but with more destruction. Anyway let’s check in with Oscar.
The camera cuts to a colorful cue card that says: “What is going on with our favorite King?” The camera moves around the card and towards Oscar who is sitting at his desk.
Oscar: So last time we left with Thor fighting with a lightning entity, which we can now confirm is a fusion between Mangog and the personification of Mjolnir. We will call it Mangognir
Chad: Wasn’t Mangog killed by the female Thor?
Oscar: Well, it seems he has reincarnated in another form. And he just kicked Thor’s ass in Oklahoma. Poor Thor was thrown into a house, a lake. Hit with Mjolnir, with mighty thunder…
Chad: Wasn’t he the God of Thunder? How can thunder damage him?
Oscar: We don’t follow Pokémon rules here because the thunder did some critical damage. Although Thor did create a cool lightning sword, it was no match for his former hammer. Mangognir used it to destroy his arm with a powerful strike!
Oscar: When all hope seemed lost, Daddy Odin and Sif came to rescue Thor again, briefly distracting and teleporting Mangognir far away. But it quickly returned, angrier than before, throwing the hammer into Odin’s back. So now Odin is maimed, Thor is defeated, and this lighting entity is just getting started. Should we call someone else to help? Unfortunately, all this electricity destroyed our backup cameras, so we have sent one more team to cover the end of this fight. I hope Thor gets out of this one, or we will need to start another vote to choose our new favorite king. Back to you Chad!
Chad: What a SHOCKING turn of events. Let’s check in with Akira and a big ass hole.
Cut to Akira standing in a field covered in scorch marks, picket signs litter the ground. Directly behind is a gigantic sinkhole.
Akira: I am here now in Greenwich, Connecticut where a devastating battle has taken place. The last time I reported on the Krakoan Marauders, almost all of Captain Kate Pryde’s crew was departing. Now it seems her new crew is already ready to go. Reports say that among these replacements are the japanese assassin Kwannon, also known as Psylocke (don’t ask, it’s complicated), former Alpha Flight member and twin sister of former X-Man Northstar: Jean-Marie Baubier, codename Aurora, former MLF operative Heather Tucker, aka Tempo, Akihiro, the son of Wolverine, called Daken, and a mutant that as far as I know, has never been seen before but witnesses say he was referred to as Somnus. Lucas Bishop aka … Bishop is the only holdover from the initial team.
Chad can be heard on the broadcast chiming in Akira’s ear “A MILF operator? Dang gotta set up an interview.”
Akira: What left the scene you see here behind me was a rescue op for the aforementioned Daken. He was reportedly attacked and held hostage by one Brimstone Love, the founder of the Theatre of Pain, a sadistic gang who relish in human misery. Other than that not much is known about this odd and villainous mutant, one of the few who have not taken the amnesty and clean slate offered by Krakoa. The motive of this attack is not confirmed but one can assume that it was merely for the joy of torture.
Akira: After the rescue of Daken, the Marauders were seen celebrating on the docks by their new boat, having a celebratory drink. Later that evening witness reports place Cpt. Kate Pryde entering a meeting between former Hellfire royals, Emma Frost and Sebastian Shaw. You can come to your own conclusions about that. All we know for certain is th-
Akira holds a finger up to the camera and turns to listen intently into the earpiece. The banner at the bottom of the screen is replaced with a bright red one reading BREAKING NEWS.
Akira: This just in, the X-Man known as Cyclops… is dead.
Pauses for a second and stares beyond the camera. His tone is flat and somber.
Akira: The X-Men engaged with a group of animal-like monsters that were attacking downtown Manhattan. The origin of these beasts is unknown, but witnesses say they could speak and were calling for mutant blood. The newest iteration of the X-Men, Cyclops, Marvel Girl, Synch, Sunfire, Wolverine, and Polaris, lept to action from their treehouse base in the newly established Seneca Gardens. Team leader Cyclops coordinated a plan of attack, but more importantly, rushed to save the New Yorkers in danger. He was seen exhibiting skill with his mutant ability higher than ever before, utilizing the environment to his advantage.
Akira: Unfortunately, in his successful attempt to rescue a child from one of these vicious monsters, he was struck down and died on the scene. One of New York’s finest, an unnamed paramedic told fellow X-Man Wolverine that there was nothing he could do, it was too late. New York, hell the world mourns one of her greatest heroes, one of her strongest warriors. GC616 offers our truest condolences to Marvel Girl, Charles Xavier, the X-Men, and the nation of Krakoa. Thank you Cyclops. We love you.
Akira starts choking up and turns away. The camera cuts.
When the camera returns to Chad, he is sitting on his large back patio scooping snow into a bowl with a large bottle of Omega Red Cinnamon Strawberry vodka that he is pouring over it like a snow cone.
Chad: Shit sucks about Cyclops, he would have loved this snow cone. Has some heat like his heat beams.
Chad pours some onto the patio itself.
Chad: Pouring one out for you up there in Mutant heaven. Hope there are plenty of babes and small muscle men for you up there hero. Anyway, SPIDER-MAN IS BACK BABY!
Chad: Spidey has been seen about town doing hot boy shit with Black Cat in like crop tops and sweatpants. True king shit. Nothing but respect for the web slinger. I have never gotten to meet Black Cat but she seems like a nice lady. There was word that she was hanging out with famous actress and dreamboat, Mary Jane Watson this week too. Honestly, not sure how all these people are in Spidey’s circle. That’s why he’s my hero. I actually have to go though. I’m going sledding with Big Wheel, dude built a…get this… big sled so rosebud or whatever! Anyway, catch you next week true believers.
Books Covered this Week:
X Deaths of Wolverine #1 by Benjamin Percy, Federico Vicentini, Dijjo Lima, Frank Martin, and Cory Petit. Report by Dan McMahon.
Amazing Spider-Man #87 by Zeb Wells, Carlos Gómez, Bryan Valenza, and Joe Caramagna. Report by Dan McMahon.
Captain America/Iron Man #3 by Derek Landy, Angel Unzueta, Rachelle Rosenberg, and VC’s Joe Caramagna. Report by Oscar Osorio.
Thor #21 by Donny Cates, Nic Klein, Matt Wilson, and VC’s Joe Sabino. Report by Oscar Osorio.
Marauders Annual by Steve Orlando, Creees Lee, Rain Beredo, and Cory Petit. Report by Akira King.
X-Men 7 by Gerry Duggan, Pepe Larraz, Marte Garcia, and Clayton Cowles. Report by Akira King.