As the previous show ends and GC616 begins, audiences are greeted with a new theme song. One that consists heavily of electronica and synthesizers. As the title credits close and the cameras turn on in the “studio” audiences are greeted by their new lead anchor, Chad. Chad’s previous work was on his highly popular youtube show “Checkin’ in With Chad” where he romped around the 616 interacting with all sorts of heroes and villains. Now, though, he seems to have made a change for the serious for his new position as lead anchor as one of the multiverses biggest news reports. What that looks like to Chad is slicked back hair, a zip up tie, and his most prestigious vintage tank top that says “Beyonder NYC Tour 85” which was handed down to him. His newsroom is a bit different than the previous one as the audience can see once the camera focuses in. Chad is standing in front of a large glass window with a large party going on behind him.
Chad: WHAT UP NEWS FAM? I’m your new host, Chad. The lead anchor with the most. So excited to be given this opportunity to bring you the news you gotta know. Shout out to Mr. Dan from GC52 for giving me a shot. So I’m coming to you live from Casa De La Chad where only the boldest and most kick-ass come to party with your boy. It’s like one of those influencer mansions but the only thing I am influencing is the public’s opinions on the capes and cowls of our universe. Let’s check in with one of our new reporters on my news team, Josh!
The camera cuts to Josh standing by a bridge, with police and Ms. Marvel standing behind him.
Josh: Evening, folks. This is Josh from the Jersey Rooster coming at ya from the Jefferson Street Bridge, where behind me is the aftermath of a near fatal encounter. The story began when some live streaming youths were posting what seemed to be big fists and legs, almost like a giant was walking along the bridge. A car was then picked up and dropped into the water, with the family still inside. Ms. Marvel arrived on the scene and dove in to save the family, and we can confirm that they are all safe. You can see that behind me the police are questioning the super hero, who has found herself in some bad press this week.
Could this be related to the petty crimes, like the case of the missing sandwich, that some are linking Ms. Marvel to, or is all that too much of a stretch?
Josh pauses to laugh at himself.
Josh: Anyway, whether this is another clone mob situation or maybe something having to do with space, we’ll keep you updated every step of the way! Because apparently moving here from Manhattan wasn’t enough for me to escape all this crazy superhero nonsense.
Josh lowers his mic and shakes his head. The feed cuts back to Chad in the main studio.
Chad: Do you remember when there was the other other Spider-Man? Superior Spider-Man? Most people think that was Doc Ock in Spider’s body but Doc Ock is back. He’s essentially working for Mayor Fisk who sucks. He’s like a super cop which super sucks. But I can’t help but think that there is maybe something else going on? He took the Baxter building so maybe he’s looking for answers? Maybe if he was that other Spider-Man then he can one day find the empathy that Spidey has to become something better… until then he’s got a super creepy Doc Ock Hulk buddy with four arms. It’s a Cronenberg nightmare in NYC right now.
And now a word from my man Tim, our travel expert currently staying at the Resort Chapiteau in the Hamptons. How you doin Tim?
Tim: BAD! Very bad! First of all there’s all these disappearing guests which is never a good sign. Then a superhero turns up, one of those Young Avengers. Hawkguy-girl or something. And then EVERYTHING kicks off. I look out my window and this lady has all the resort staff held at…arrow-point? Bow-point? Either way she was going to shoot them, and had her dog and famous socialite Susan Bishop beside her! The Lady Hawk tousled with them for a bit and I have to say, it was pretty cool. But then they grappled away on to the roof and I couldn’t see anymore.
Tim: Now I’m a firm believer that a hotel reviewer should cover every aspect of the hotel so if there’s action, that’s important. So I followed them and listened in on a private conversation, like a real journalist. They had a nice little sisterly bonding chat together and resolved some deep-rooted estrangement, and then “Hawkeye” ran off to save the day again. Oh also it turns out there’s a cosmic cube fragment at play here so maybe send a more qualified reporter if reality is at stake. Or call the Avengers or something? It seemed pretty dangerous so I followed from a distance, and boy was I right. This lady with pink arrow filled hair, which I assume came from Hawkeye shooting her a bunch, attacked her after they went into this weird clown computer room and then what I can only assume is the big bad lady. Called herself “Pascale Tiboldt”. Glad I finally know who to address my complaints to because THE BEDS ARE HORRIFICALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
Chad: And now over to our new friends at GC1138! I met this dude in a bar recently, his names George. Between jaeger bombs, George looked me dead in the eyes and asked if I “had ever seen a lightsaber” and I didn’t know if this older dude was trying to pick me up. Couldn’t blame him, I am one fine piece of… anyway. He gave me some insight into this pocket dimension that I used some of the stuff I stole from Beyond labs recently to get in touch with some people there so this dimensional barrier stuff is a little tricky, so don’t be surprised if these stories are a little…out of date by 200 years or so. Making a multiversal news network is harder than it looks!
The screen is filled with static for a few seconds before a green Rodian appears on the screen looking panicked. Behind him is a spaceship cockpit and the camera droid he is recording with wobbles in the air and the ship is fired upon.
Rik: Hello? My name is Rik Harand, I hope someone can hear me. I’ve been undercover with the Nihil for months now, even before the Great Disaster and I finally know it all now. I know the truth of the Eye of the Nihil. I don’t have any way to broadcast this but hopefully N3-W5 can get to safety somehow.
A blurred holo-image of a grey skinned humanoid holding a helmet with a bright red eye appears beside Rik.
Rik: This is Marchion Ro. The real Eye. That Lourna Dee woman is just another of his Tempest Runners, he’s the real one. I found artifacts in his ship, the Gaze Electric, from a planet called “Everon”. A planet of storms, a harsh world that nearly killed it’s inhabitants and left them cold and cruel when they finally managed to escape. His great-grandmother founded the Nihil but it was Marchions father Asgar that—ARGH!
The image shakes for a few seconds as another laser volley hits Riks ship
Rik: NO! This is too important. Asgar Ro was the one that made the Nihil what they are today. He used that poor San Tekka woman to make these Paths, they let them use Hyperspace in a way I don’t understand. He and Marchion used the Paths to take over the Nihil and grew it into this army of marauders it is today. When one of the Tempest Runner killed Asgar, Marchion took them over. I don’t know what he wants, I just know he wants to kill as many Jedi as he can and-
A masked Nihil bashes Rik from behind and N3-W5 is thrown to the ground just before the footage abruptly cuts away and the familiar face of Chad returns who is clearly flexing towards the camera.
Chad: Doop, bro, I told you this would work. New news stories from a new place. We are gonna clean up at the interdimensional news awards. It’s gonna be sick!
Chad realizes he is live again as he stops talking to the camera person.
Chad: Aliens are pretty cool. Not going to lie but you know what’s even cooler? Swords. Let’s check in with Devin who is now like a warrior.
The camera switches to Devin, clad in a bearskin and wearing very dated clothing from the Hyborian Era.
Devin: Greetings all the way from the cold, smelly dead land of this unknown region as I bring you news from the Hyborian Age. I’m your main man, Devin, and I’ve got news on what King Conan of Aquilonia has been up to lately.
After setting sail out on the Western Sea, the famous King Conan encountered his old foe, Amon Thoth, before being shipwrecked on this uncharted isle together as the dear King forgot I was in tow. Battling all manner of undead, Conan decided to get rid of his dear old enemy before changing his mind and slaying droves of salty undead, reanimated by a strange magic afoot.
Conan: By Crom, stop your blathering and pick up a sword!
Devin: Ope! Sorry King Conan, I’ll get to that right away.
Devin whispers into the microphone.
Josh: I’m just going to go hide, I’m sure he’ll be fine.
Devin: A few days earlier though, it seems like the King was having some parenting issues as the Prince of Aquilonia, Cronn, attempted to stop his father from being the warrior he’s been for many years and slow down for a change. Talk about a family dispute.
Devin chuckles like an idiot as Amon Thoth looks at him in disgust.
Devin: Unfortunately for the King, he’s too far stuck into his ways and decides to kick his poor, sweet son to the end of town and exile him as a lesson that only Conan would understand. Ouch, bad parenting move! Good thing Conan didn’t notice me hiding in a nearby bush when things went down.
Conan slaughters two more undead warriors, who fall in front of Devin as he jumps in terror.
Conan: Your cowardice is showing, boy. My own son is more of a man than you, so take this sword and prove me wrong.
Devin: Gulp Uhh..sure. There boss man. Looks like I get to play warrior today! Uh oh, looks like we’ve got some trouble and she came with a pair of gorillas.
Devin: Well, Back to you Chad! I’ve got an interesting time ahead of me. Hopefully I can find a spot to hide..!
The camera comes back to Chad back at the newsroom.
Chad: Emma Frost won’t return my calls so I guess the whole slap on the face on the Gala meant nothing… let’s check in with our new reporter Akira.
The feed cuts to Akira, standing on the GC616 news boat which is just Chad’s party yacht with GC616 spray painted on the side. The Marauder is seen in the background
Akira: Good afternoon New York this is Akira with GC616 coming at you live from Sydney, Australia. Behind me you can see the Krakoan vessel The Marauder as they face off against what seem to be killer robots.
Camera zooms in on the ship as Pyro melts an approaching assailant.
Akira: This week has been filled with rumors about the crew of Kitty Pryde’s sh-
Cameraman: indiscernible mumbling
Akira: Seriously?
Cameraman: indiscernible mumbling
Akira: Apologies. This week has been filled with rumors about the crew of Captain Kate Pryde’s ship.
The upcoming recap is intercut with pictures taken by GC616 field operatives.
Akira: According to our source in Madripoor, John Allerdyce and Lucas Bishop aka Pyro and Bishop were seen making a false deal with the Verendi,
Pictures of Pyro and Bishop selling the helicarriers under the disguises of Mr. Nobody and Mr. Blade show on screen.
This could be the cause of the ongoing attack. Allerdyce is said to be taking a leave of duty to go on a book tour, the man is apparently a successful romance novelist; having written under a pseudonym in the past. Another crewmate, Robert Drake aka Iceman was seen last week becoming a gigantic version of himself to fight legendary dragon Fin Fang Foom
Cell phone footage of the battle between Foom and Drake plays.
According to our Asgardian liaison, is now testing his skills with the frost giants, however the rumor mill is saying that Drake and current boyfriend Christian Frost,
Paparazzi photos of Frost and Drake on a dinner date in a New York City steakhouse.
The older brother of the former White Queen of Hellfire Trading, Emma Frost, is taking a break from The Marauder to go on vacation. Speaking of Emma Frost, drone footage shows her to currently be aboard the Marauder with one Lourdes Chantel, an old member of the Hellfire Club presumed dead.
Pictures of Hellfire Club members, meetings, and events show.
Our sources claim that Sebastian Shaw, Black King of Hellfire Trading has abdicated his seat to Ms. Chantel. Emma Frost having left hers to her daughters, The quintuplets known as The Stepford Cuckoos. Both citing the need to focus on their duties as members of the Quiet Council, the governing body of the mutant nation on the living island Krakoa. That leaves only Bishop remaining on the roster, we will have to see how Captain Pryde staffs her ship going forward, but I am sure that no matter what, they’ll be trouble! Back to you Chad!
When the feed returns to Chad, he is sitting across the newsdesk from a sandwich.
Chad: Remember how I said I may have borrowed some stuff from Beyond corp? I grabbed this dude as I made my way out. His name is Hoageddie. Beyond created him.
Hoageddie: I am the living sandwich Hoageddie! Chad saved me from that evil corporation’s claws. Now I bring you the news that Ben Reily was chosen for the company’s Spider-Man because he is weak. They believe with enough of their sauce, his bread will be soggy and moldable to their goals. But he is not a sandwich, like I, but human! This will not be something they can get away with. They doubt his resilience because he is nothing more than a clone. But sentience is not something that can be graded on a scale of weakness. If I were to interpret Descartes first principle “Cogito, ergo sum” which translates to “I think, therefore I am” to apply to this relationship, I think that Beyond doesn’t believe Ben is anything more than a tool because he was created. But Ben can love, he can feel, and he can think as I can. We are because we are capable of more despite our doubters. Don’t you agree Chad?
Chad: Holy fuck a talking sandwich.
Hoageddie: Right… we will catch you next week true believers.
Books Covered this Week:
Ms Marvel #2 by Samira Ahmed, Andrés Genolet, Tríona Farrell, and Joe Caramagna
Devil’s Reign: Superior Four #1 by Zac Thompson, David Tinto, Matt Milla, and Ariana Maher
Hawkeye: Kate Bishop #3 by Marieke Nijkamp, Enid Balám, Oren Junior, Brittany Peer, and Joe Caramagna
Star Wars The High Republic: Eye of the Storm #1 by Charles Soule, Guillermo Sanna, Jim Campbell, and Ariana Maher
King Conan #2 by Jason Aaron, Mahmud Asrar, Matthew Wilson, and Travis Lanham
Marauders #27 by Gerry Duggam, Matteo Lolli, Phil Noto, Rain Beredo, and Cory Petit
Amazing Spider–Man #85 by Cody Ziglar, Paco Medina, Walden Wong, Wayne Faucher, Andrew Hennessy, Victor Olazaba, and Roberto Poggi, Espen Grundetjern, and Joe Caramagna