For the past few weeks, the usual time slot for GC616 has been filled with infomercials. But this week when viewers tuned in, it wasn’t Dr. Doom hawking his Doom Deep Fryer but for the first time in a long time, the GC616 logo. The set looks a bit more disheveled than usual and that’s saying something. The backdrop was slanted with the New York City skyline. The backdrop was to give the set some ambiance because the office is in a sub-basement of the Daily Bugle building.
At the small News Desk no longer sits the normal host Reagan but in their place sits an older gentleman in a suit going through a stack of files that sit on the desk. The viewers can see the office is littered with them. The man looks up to the camera and realizes that the red light is on. He adjusts his glasses before he smiles towards the camera.
Dan: Good Morning, Good Afternoon, and Good Evening to all our wonderful viewers from the docks of Coast City to the furthest reaches… wait. Different universe. They don’t have places like Gotham. Sorry, I didn’t think I’d be on air tonight! But we’re fine, I can do it live. Hello viewers, I’m Daniel McMahon. I run the GC news network. I had lost contact with your universe’s team a few months ago but I’ve been dealing with some rather large issues on my Earth. Do you all have a Scarecrow? Terrible person… Back to the big question, where is your anchor, Reagan. Well, I would love the answer to that too. From everything I can gather, they’ve vanished. Poof. Everything fell apart from there. The office was left unlocked, ransacked, and all the nasty stuff that comes with that. But I finally had a moment to pop over to check-in. So I am here. I’ve gathered a few reporters from the records to do a small report tonight for you while I search for a new anchor. Let’s check in with…
The camera cuts over to Charles, standing, wearing a nice suit.
Charles: Hello everyone! My name is Charles, and I’m here to bring you what is happening in the streets. I know you want to escape your daily lives and listen to some epic, cosmic tales, but I’m here to keep you grounded.
Speaking of escaping, a while back Veronica Eden escaped from police custody in a huge car chase that almost ended in tragedy. She was rescued by a tactical team led by the alien Fifty-One, a former recruit of the Fifty-State Initiative.
The former S.H.I.E.L.D. employee was captured by Falcon and the Winter Soldier. She plead guilty to infiltrating said agency and the US government, while secretly working for Hydra, the terrorist organization.
Captain America and Iron Man were seen in the scene. Even though they failed to stop Mrs. Eden, they saved a bus from falling off a bridge. We presume they are working together to take Mrs. Eden into custody again.
Yesterday we saw the superhero team known as the Paladins break into a barn in Upstate New York using force. How are they connected to this case, you may ask? Well, Fifty-One is a former member of their little team and I’m guessing they are out to stop him and Mrs. Eden. Or maybe they are all working together? Are they the bad guys now? Well, our favorite frenemies, Captain America and Iron Man will stop them too if needed. Back to you Dan!
The camera returns to Dan as he smacks the side of a large block computer as the ear-grinding sound of dial-up erupts from it before it pushes it off of the table.
Dan: This entire computer ecosystem is running on something called Stark 98′. It’s terrible… I think I have a lead on a possible lead anchor though. Let’s pop over to Cass who is reporting on some Mutant affairs!
The camera cuts to a handheld shot of Cass trapped in what looks like a wooden prison.
Cass: Hello there, it’s me, Cass. I don’t know if you remember me, but I’ve been vacationing in Krakoa these last few days, or at least I was until I started investigating this crazy political drama that has been going on with the mutants the past couple of days.
Everything was great until I discovered that a (strangely hot) guy named Doug had been listening to everything with the help of a techno-alien (named Warlock) and the island itself. Turns out he was listening to me as well, so he kept me locked up with a bag of candy and an iPad so that I didn’t ruin his plan. He has been texting me though, and you would never believe what happened.
So while Professor X and Magneto were fighting with the Omega Sentinel and Nimrod (the mutant killing robots), the metal psychos revealed they didn’t just hate mutants, they hated humans as well, and they were ready to destroy them all. They kinda did good on their promise because they ended up killing Charles and Erik leaving it pretty clear that robots are the future.
And that’s not all, while this all was happening, Emma, Mystique, and Destiny put into motion a plan to take down Moira. They kidnapped her, cut her arm off, took her powers, and were about to kill her. But then Doug (also known as the smart cute boy that has me locked up) interfered, saved Moira’s life, and changed the whole plan, creating a new journey for the Island of Krakoa. Now the whole quiet council knows the secret of Moira and a new destiny seems to approach the mutant nation.
Cass puts down the camera but the thing is still on for some reason.
Cass: Here you are Doug! Hey I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drink or… oh you have a wife… oh, THAT’S YOUR WIFE… no that’s cool, do you want the three of us to go for a drink?
The studio cuts the transmission due to the levels of awkwardness. When the camera returns to Dan, he’s standing outside of the office on the New York streets.
Dan: Well, bold moves kid, I hope it works out! My lead wants me to meet them at their… influencer mansion? Does my Earth have those? Am I out of touch with the youth of today? Let’s check in with Oscar about some god of thunder.
The camera cuts to a colorful cue card that says: “What is going on with our favorite King?” The camera moves around the card and towards Oscar who is sitting at his desk.
Oscar: Well, Thor is still searching for his hammer. Allegedly he left it with the Avengers and THEY lost it. And he sent a frog to search for it? Sounds kinda irresponsible for a King if you ask me. He’s probably keeping this loss on the down-low, but nothing escapes our keen eye.
A couple of weeks ago, we interviewed a red alien – or was he blue? – with a star t-shirt at The Pit, the famous universal arena, who told us Thor made an appearance and interrupted a match, costing him big bucks. He was looking for his Daddy Odin, so he must be desperate. We followed them to Nidavellir where we found all the Dwarves DEAD! Did Thor and his father kill them because they wouldn’t make a new hammer for them? Maybe they didn’t get the warranty… happens to the best of us. RIP Dwarves, people loved them because of their weapons but I loved their food the most.
Where was I? Oh yeah the best part, we kept wandering and saw Thor burying one of the dwarves from afar. We always keep a distance, we don’t want to irritate someone who has lost something. One time I lost my iPad and I ended up screaming at everyone in my house. I don’t want to imagine what a God would do if we pissed him off. And you don’t have to as we have exclusive footage of Thor confronting and hitting his father!
The camera shows the following image.
After their fight, they suddenly disappeared, so we followed them to Jotunheim, where we found a lot of dead ice giants. What are Thor and his father doing? Again, they disappeared. Luckily we are fast.
We finally caught Thor at Broxton, Oklahoma, where everything was destroyed! I remember Thor and the Asgardians used to live here a while back. I don’t think he would come back and cause this destruction. Although many of us would love to do this with our hometowns.
So who did it? Well, we saw Thor get his ass kicked by an electric being wielding Mjolnir! Was it Electro? Is Electro worthy!? At least the King found his hammer, that must be relieving. We have yet to receive additional footage of the encounter. It is probable the electricity messed up our equipment…Hopefully, we can send another team to learn the mysterious identity of this lightning entity.
I’m Oscar, and I will continue to bring you the sweet details of the lives of the strongest avengers: Thor and Hulk. Back to you, Dan!
And with that, the camera goes back to Dan who is now standing outside of a large mansion on the ocean. When he starts talking to the camera, he cannot be heard over the sounds of the party going on inside, outside, and around the mansion. With a heavy sigh, only known because of his shrug, the feed switches to the next reporter.
We cut to a feed of a tiki bar, where a green-skinned mutant is wearing sunglasses and a floral t-shirt. The mutant takes a sip from a long loopy straw and starts talking as an arm-wrestling contest continues in the background.
Jessie: This is Jessie Quinn from the Mutant Desk, here to talk to you about the new Captain Krakoa! But first, an update from Arakko!
The mutant world, formerly Mars, received a new visitor: Feilong, the head of Feilong Industries. Instead of landing on Arakko proper, however, Feilong touched down on Phobos, one of its moons. In a daring message, Feilong declared that the moon was claimed for all mankind. An Arraki mutant named Vornak challenged his claim and was killed by Feilong in a struggle. A fleet of drone ships delivered supplies to the moon, changing it in a matter of days to create a moon base encased in a greenhouse and Dyson ring.
When asked for comment, the human businessman said that he just wanted a worthy adversary. Billionaires do not function like the rest of us.
Jessie stops for a moment and looks past the camera.
Jessie: My Fastball Special’s running a little low, can I get a fresh one? Thanks, Fred, you’re a doll.
Meanwhile, winter in New York has given us a new resident in our city: Captain Krakoa. The mutant superhero, who for now seems affiliated with the X-Men operating out of the Treehouse in Seneca Gardens, has been rescuing cats from trees, saving people, and stopping bank robbers.
Sources from the island nation of Krakoa suggest that the Captain’s appointment to the X-Men may be in part due to the recent departure of Cyclops. A memorial for the mutant leader outside the Treehouse is still seeing visitors, and an overheard promise from Captain Krakoa suggests that he is here to prevent such a tragedy from happening again. Rumors from some of my more gossip-minded colleagues that Captain Krakoa is just Cyclops trying out a new look while faking his own death are greatly exaggerated.
A source at the Daily Bugle informs us that an anonymous source, calling himself a friend of Cyclops, tried to contact Ben Urich regarding a story – apparently about a big mutant secret – that the reporter reportedly has no knowledge of. I don’t want to snipe at another journalist, but I think Mister Urich should try screening his calls better.
The feed from Krakoa ends abruptly as the report goes black for a moment. Just before the viewers go to turn off their televisions, computers, or cell phones…something stops them. A low hum begins to emit from their phones as a familiar song that long-time viewers of the program may recognize. When the video returns, the camera pans up on a large stage by a pool filled with people as strobe lights circle through the once dark night. The feed is coming directly from the backyard of the party as a well-tanned, toned, and shirtless blonde man holds a microphone in his hand.
Chad: WHAT IS UP MY CHADLIANS! MY CHADSKIS! THE C H A D CREW MAKE SOME NOISE!
The entire party erupts as the camera makes its way up the stage to Chad.
Chad: I hope y’all missed me because I missed you. Welcome to Casa De La Chad! The hub of parties in the multiverse. I reached out to that old dude from GC52 about how our show fell off because when Spider-Man finally woke up from his nap, I said… it’s time for me to do what I do best. Report the news! Oh, wondering where Dan is? I think I saw him doing a keg stand earlier being lifted by Doc Ock and the Lizard. Casa Del La Chad is a no-fighting zone so we all just vibe here.
So are you ready for the big announcement? Well, you’re looking at your new LEAD ANCHOR BABY. THE CHADSTER IS RUNNING GC616. I will see y’all next week because Chad has a pong tournament to win right now. In the immortal words of some dude I met at a party, LET’S FUGGIN GO!
Books Covered this Week
Captain America/Iron Man 2 / Art by Angel Unzueta, colors by Rachelle Rosenberg, letters by VC’s Joe Caramagna, written by Derek Landy
Inferno 4 / Art by Valerio Schiti & Stefano Caselli, colors by David Curiel, letters by VC’s Joe Sabino, written by Jonathan Hickman
Thor 20 / Art by Nic Klein, colors by Matt Wilson, letters by VC’s Joe Sabino, written by Donny Cates
X-Men 6 / Art by Pepe Larraz, colors by Marte Garcia, letters by VC’s Clayton Cowles, written by Gerry Duggan