sports – GateCrashers

Welcome to Fast Five Picks with Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger! Each week we will cover 5 upcoming NFL games and give you our predicted outcome for each matchup. As an added bonus, we will be pulling in a guest expert for a one game analysis that you just can’t miss! Let’s take a brief moment to introduce ourselves and then get right into the action.

DR. MITCHELL POWERS

We all know how important speed is in the NFL, but it’s also about power. Seeing as Dr. Speed was too busy fulfilling his namesake through pharmaceuticals, they had to go with me instead. I only began enjoying the fine sport of men giving each other concussions during my college years, where I may have done the same with a large amount of Jameson whiskey one night after a particularly bad break-up. It was a rough time. Who could have known my drunken stupor would be re-enacted by Carson Wentz in his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles, nearly a decade later?

RICK DANGER

Welcome to the Danger Zone! And if we can’t use that for legal reasons, then welcome to the Danger Area! I’ve been watching football since that giant robot robot on Fox danced his way into my heart. I mean, I even know his name is Cleatus. I shit you not, look it up on the internet machine. Anyway, I know two things; AC/DC should be played at every funeral and the outcome of most NFL games. I even almost went pro myself but I swung too hard at a mailbox and hit myself in the nuts with a bat. I have what’s called a phantom pain, but I don’t believe in ghosts. Anyway, aside from my hearing loss from listening to things to awesomely, and that Raccoon in my attic that keeps stealing my watches, my life is perfect, as are my predictions.

DONNIE AUSTIN (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)

Whadder youse guys doin!? I’ve been out in the parking lot since 5:00 AM slamming Yuengling Oktoberfest. I got a couple of sixers of the Oktoberfest since I was gonna be on the big show today. Thanks for having me on boys. Been a long week since our big win on Sunday. GO BIRDS. We demolished those dirty bird Falcons. Glad it was an away game though so it puts some more forgettin’ time for the Linc security. My boys and I got thrown out of the Linc again last season for being “too aggressive” to other fans. What? They shoulda’ been ready for the Broad Street Belly Bounce. That’s what I call it when I rush you and slam ya with the belly when the birds get a touchdown. Between that and punchin’ the police horse during the time the Phil’s won the World Series, I got a bad rap with security. Wife has a double shift at the Acme today so I am all yours for these picks’ boys.

RICK’S PICKS

Cleveland Browns @ Houston Texans – 1:00 PM on CBS

I legally cannot enter Cleveland due to an incident at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, but I won’t hold it against them. The Browns got robbed last week against Patty and the Chiefs, so they will be looking for revenge. Houston picked up a win last week against Jacksonville thanks to Tyrod Taylor, a former Brown himself. Can we take a moment and just recognize that the “Texans” and the “Browns” are arguably two of the worst team names? I don’t think anyone should be proud to be a Texan right now. You know Houston is like a big part of NASA, shouldn’t they be the Astronauts? Dr. Mitch just informed me that there is a team in Houston called the Astros, but I give zero fucks about baseball. At least it will confuse the people of Texas less to have two teams so closely named. I mean were they worried when they named them the Texans that the fans wouldn’t remember what state they were in? Is Pittsburgh called the Pennsylvanians? No. As for Cleveland, they should be the Rockers, after that aforementioned museum that someone is not allowed back at. My pro-choice would be to not take anything from Texas, but I think the Astronauts keep rolling and beat the Rockers in a close one.

PICK: ASTRONAUTS

Los Angeles Chargers @ Dallas Cowboys – 4:25 PM on CBS

The Dodge Chargers, sorry, Los Angeles Chargers make their way down to the state I am all about picking on, and battle the Dallas Cowboys. Last week, the Cowboys suffered the same fate as many other teams before them, a game-winning last minute drive courtesy of the demon that inhabits Tom Brady’s body. They look to bounce back against a 1-0 Chargers team, led by my favorite iced dessert Justin Sherbert, sorry, Herbert*. The Chargers looked sharp against the Washington Lobbyists because I refuse to call them the ‘Football Team.’ You had all offseason, figure your fucking name out. I digress, I think this Cowboys team that has lost a couple key players is looking to prove themselves in a pivotal game. Much to my dismay, it looks like they will take care of the Chargers in a close game, with a last second field goal that sails erratically, knocking loose Gov. Abbott’s wheelchair lock. Will he comically roll down some stairs, flailing his arms like a cartoon villain? Absolutely! Will he survive? Of course, assholes always do.

PICK: COWBOYS

POWERS’ PREDICTIONS

Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers – 8:15 PM on ESPN

This team of cheese aficionados are currently sitting at 0-1 after their perfectly trimmed QB had a 32.8 passer rating, which is a higher number than his wife’s age.

“Who are the Green Bay Packers?”

After a guest-hosting stint on the hit trivia game show Jeopardy!, one might have thought that Aaron Rodgers would have learned how to be a better quarterback. Although Jeopardy! is objectively the second-best measure of human intelligence (the foremost being, of course, an enormous apathy toward the band Coldplay), any positive effects on Aaron Rodgers seem to have been lost, aside from notable hair growth. On the other side of the field will be the Detroit Lions, who fell short to the San Francisco 49ers in a near-comeback loss last Sunday. Given the sad state of affairs for both of these teams in their respective opening weeks, I believe the true benefactors here will be the fans who cancel their usual game day get-together typically held on a couch that’s too small in their one-bedroom apartment.

PICK: INTROVERTS

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons – 4:05 PM on FOX

The outcome of this game should be clear to just about anyone, even the freshest of football fans. Tom Brady, age 44, is still playing as well as any QB in the NFL. The Buccaneers are coming off of a close win against the Dallas Cowboys and are likely to be amped up with confidence. Furthermore, the Atlanta Falcons are not a strong team right now, as evidenced by their pathetic loss to the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday (Jalen Hurts, indeed). If Atlanta can’t figure out how to do more than kick two field goals as they did last week against Philadelphia, their defense is going to have quite a day trying to keep the score manageable with Tom Brady behind center on the other side. There is, however, one wild card with the potential to make a major contribution to the Falcons’ performance in this game: I do not like Tom Brady.

PICK: FALCONS

THE GUEST GUESS

Philadelphia Eagles at San Francisco 49ers – 1:00 PM on Fox

This Sunday, the friggin’ iggles are playin’ the 49ers in Philly. Now I won’t be at the stadium because I’m takin’ the wife and boy down the shore. Weekend after Labor Day is cheap rooms in Wildwood. So, you know I’m gonna be on that balcony with a case of Yuengling, crushin’ and chuckin’ em off the friggin’ railing. They’re glass so it just becomes sand again eventually. No harm no foul. So, the big game, it’s our season. I don’t know much about the 49ers other than they coulda’ called themselves the 69ers and coulda’ become my second favorite team. But basically, the Birds got this jawn in the bag. It’s our year again. When we win the friggin’ Super Bowl, me and the boys are gonna grab some wiz wits, go down to the Linc, and do whippits on the field. Tells you guys what, if we play that Tom Brady guy… Hope that mouth kissin’ good for nothing likes an eye fulla’ double a if you know what I mean.

PICK: EAGLES (GO BIRDS!)

LAST WEEK

RICKS PICKS: 2 – 0

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 2 – 0

GUEST GUESS: 1-0

OVERALL

RICKS PICKS: 2 – 0

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 2 – 0

GUEST GUESS: 1 – 0

**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.

As we FALL into another September, some of us turn to the time-honored tradition of rooting for our local NFL team and having our hearts toyed with up until Super Bowl Sunday. Others find themselves stuck in the precarious situation of indifference, or perhaps, inability to find meaning in these games, and simply ignore them altogether. In situations where you find yourself stuck in front of a TV on a Sunday, plopped next to a family member, significant other, or friend, and find yourself face to face with an NFL game, we are here to help. The following will be a guide from your GateCrashers Football Friendly team of Dr. Mitchell Powers and Rick Danger, where we intend to cover the basics, and help you go from “I need to go” to “Let’s go team!” Furthermore, look for our new weekly series Fast Five Picks with Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger where we will give our predictions for the outcomes of upcoming games, making YOU look like the expert.

The NFL is the National Football League, comprised of 32 teams, which are then split into two major conferences, the American Football Conference (AFC) and the National Football Conference (NFC). To further complicate things, each conference has 4 divisions: North, South, East, and West. All the teams are split, with each team taking 1 of 4 spots in these divisions. Below is a handy infographic to see how everything we just said unfolds:

Dr. Mitch Tip: Most people pick their favorite team based on location, but some people pick their favorite team based on their prowess on the field. It doesn’t matter who you root for, but never buy a football jersey until that player retires.

The NFL plays 17 games (new this year!), with 6 of those games being played within the division. So, say we are the Buffalo Bills, that means we are in the AFC East and will play the Patriots twice, once at home and once away, the Dolphins twice, same deal, and the Jets twice, you get the idea. The rest of the schedule is made up from an algorithm that is really not important, as the real fun lies in these divisional games because they create rivalries and bad blood between the teams. I mean, if you’re Batman, and every night you are fighting the Joker, Two-Face, and the Riddler, but now Calendar Man shows up, I’m sure there is more interest in fighting the other 3 as there is a palpable history. These divisional games are usually circled on team calendars to create a brewing animosity, similar to an 80’s movie montage where the protagonist is training and has the match date crossed out in blood. If your team does well enough and is able to get into the playoffs, that’s when the real fun begins!

Dr. Mitch Tip: When watching the game with friends, make sure to throw in such phrases as : “C’mon!”, “Defense!”, “You got to catch that!”, “Need a stop here!”, and “This dip is really good, what’s the secret?”

The NFL playoffs select the best 14 teams, 7 from the AFC and 7 from the NFC, to determine the final two representatives, 1 from the AFC and 1 from the NFC, which will then face off in the goal of every franchise, the Super Bowl. The first 4 spots go to the division champions from each conference and are seeded 1 through 4 based on their overall record. The final 3 spots are for the 3 teams with the best overall record of all remaining teams in the conference. This process is done for both sides and after three rounds, Wild Card Round, Divisional Round, and Conference Round, the surviving two teams play for the Super Bowl. Making the playoffs for your team is a big deal, as realistically every team has a chance of winning. This has even coined the phrase “On any given Sunday,” as the so-called unbeatable teams have lost in the first rounds before. If you want to talk about Super Bowl upsets, look no further than Tom Brady and the Patriots beating one of the best offensive teams in the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI, and then on the other side of the coin, Eli Manning and the New York Giants beating a ‘perfect’ Tom Brady and the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII. That is what makes the game so special, the team can show up looking akin to a god-like Doctor Doom, only to be dispatched by a spunky Squirrel Girl. Now it’s time to get into the important details of the actual game itself!

Dr. Mitch Tip: Some people say “Defense wins Championships!”, while I reply, “There is no such thing as too much chili.”

Your team is made up of 55 players, but only 48 can be active and ready to play on game day. The three most important people on the sidelines are our Head Coach, Offensive Coordinator, and Defensive Coordinator. Their roles are similar to their titles, the Head Coach is in charge of the full team and the final decision maker, the offense coordinator focuses on the offense and the defensive coordinator focuses on the defense. Let’s run through the Offense:

Quarterback (QB): Runs the offense on the field, can throw the ball, run the ball, or hand it off

Running Back (RB): Receives the ball from the QB and carries it up the field

Wide Receiver (WR): Catches the ball from QB and carries it up the field

Tight End (TE): Can assist in blocking the opposing team from getting to the QB, but also catches the ball from the QB and carries it up the field

Full Back (FB): Usually bigger and bulkier than a running back, receives the ball from the QB and carries it up the field

Center (C): In front of QB and ‘snaps’ it back to the QB while also protecting the QB from getting hit

Right Guard (RG): Protects the QB from getting hit and also allows the RB to move up the field

Left Guard (LG): Protects the QB from getting hit and also allows the RB to move up the field

Right Tackle (RT): Protects the ‘Blind Side’ of left-handed QBs as they cannot see someone about to hit them from behind

Left Tackle (LT): Protects the ‘Blind Side’ of right-handed QBs as they cannot see someone about to hit them from behind

Kicker (K): They attempt field goals usually from 50 yards and less. They also kick the ball off to the opposing team after touchdowns, at the beginning of the game, and at half-time.

Punter (P): If the offense does not move the ball 10 yards after 3 attempts AND they are too far away to try a field goal, on the 4^th attempt the punter will punt the ball away to the opposing team.

Dr. Mitch Tip: The Offensive Line is made up of the Center, Guards, and Tackles. They tend to be some of the highest paid players as they protect the Quarterback. I’ve said an offensive line or two in my day!

Let’s run through the defense:

Linebacker (LB): They can be Middle (MLB) or Outside (OLB) depending on where they line up, but they tend to be the “QBs” of the defense. They are in charge of reading the offense and guessing what play they are trying to run. They can help the defensive lineman or they can drop into coverage and try to stop receivers from catching the ball.

Defensive Tackle (DT): Try and break through the offensive line to get to the Quarterback.

Defensive End (DE): Try and break through the offensive line to get to the Quarterback. They tend to be leaner and faster than DTs as they run around the edge to get to the QB.

Cornerback (CB): They line up with the Wide Receivers and attempt to intercept the ball or prevent the WR from catching the ball.

Safeties (S): They can be Strong (SS) or Free (FS) depending on where they line up but they are in charge of preventing long passes from being caught or can be brought up to the line to help attack the quarterback.

Dr. Mitch Tip: If you bring a piece of your own fence to the game, you can use it as a sign of support for the defense!

Are you still with us? I know it’s a lot to take in, like trying to watch the entirety of the MCU so that the things that are coming up make sense, we get it. However, you know the players, you know why they play, now we get to the important part, the Endgame if you will; the actual game. An NFL game is 60 minutes, four 15-minute quarters, with a halftime of 15 minutes in-between the 2^nd and 3^rd quarter. The teams meet at mid-field and flip a coin with the winning team determining who will receive the ball and the losing team picking the side they play on. The actual idea of the game is straight forward: be the team with the most points when the game is over. The offense marches down the field to score a touchdown for 6 points and then the kicker kicks an extra point for 1 point, or they march down the field and the kicker kicks a field goal for 3 points. The defenses’ sole purpose is stop any of that from happening. The offense is given 4 downs to move the ball 10 yards, once they are past that 10 yards, it repeats until they score a touchdown or field goal. If they are unable to do so, they punt the ball away to the opposing team, who then attempts the same deal.

Here are some common things you may hear:

Sack: A defensive player has tackled the quarterback behind the line of possession. So, if the ball was on the 45-yard line and the QB has the ball snapped to them, and they are now holding the ball on the 40-yard line, a defenseman tackles them to the ground they are sacked! You will hear them say they lost 5 yards (45-yard line minus 40-yard line is 5 yards) and now the ball is placed at that spot and the next down is played.

Interception: A defensive player has caught a ball thrown by the QB that was intended for another player on the offense. The opposite team’s offense now has the ball and begins their attempt to move down the field.

Holding: This is a penalty where a player has prevented another player from doing something by gripping them, players can push and shove, but cannot hold.

False Start: When a player on the offense moves before the ball is snapped.

Pass Interference: This one is a tough one, a player on offense or defense, uses their body to prevent another player from catching a ball. Most of these calls are bullshit.

Red Zone: When the offense is within 20 yards of the goal line, the plays that can be called are limited as you do not have a lot of field to work with or use.

Fair Catch: When the ball is punted and the return team is trying to catch the ball that has been kicked by the punter, they will waive their arm in the air for a fair catch to prevent themselves from getting hit. This is typically done when the punting team is about to tackle them.

End Zone: This is the part of the football field that is colored in and the ball must cross to count as a touchdown.

Safety: This does not happen too often, but when the offense is backed up to their side of the field, and the QB is sacked in their own End Zone, the opposite team gets 2 points and the offense must kick the ball away.

2-Minute Warning: Two Minutes before the end of the 2^nd quarter and the end of the 4^th quarter, play is stopped and this acts as an unofficial time out for both teams.

Hail Mary: When a team is losing with little to no time left, the QB sends all of his receivers downfield in am attempt to score a game winning touchdown. They have little chance at success, BUT when they do succeed, it is a lasting memory.

Dr. Mitch Tip: I used to tell my grandma she was ‘Holding’ when she hugged me longer than 10 seconds.

If you have made it this far, throw that ring into Mount Doom and wait for Eagles of Manwë to carry you home because this is Intro to Football. The rest can be learned along the way by either watching games, or perhaps playing them on a video game console. We will be the first to tell you that any die-hard fan LOVES to explain the game to beginners, it’s actually quite refreshing. So, pick your team, find your people, sit back, and enjoy the upcoming season! Don’t forget to be on the lookout for Fast Five Picks with Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger, only on GateCrashers.