It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas here at the Fast Five writer’s room as everyone is excited to meet Santa! Of course there is plenty of football to be discussed, but how can you get anything done when you hear those sleigh bells ringing and that boisterous ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’ being bellowed down the hall. The team will try and focus as there are only three weeks left in the season and so much is at stake with every game played. The division races have tightened up and it looks like playoff spots may not be secured until Week 18 making every game a must watch! Dr. Mitch and Rick are excited to bring you all the advice they can muster, but even they have been sidetracked by Kris Kringle’s appearance.
DR. MITCHELL POWERS
It’s that time of year again. I’ve been dreaming of a white Christmas, but unfortunately I had to sell a ton of product off this year in a trade for some action figure called a “Turbo Man”. I thought kids these days were over action figures, but I guess Toys ‘R’ Us is really giving it a shot with this comeback, so much that it feels like 1996 again. Well, except for the fact that I still can’t figure out how the video games work these days. I try to prevent myself becoming too much of a grinch, but old habits die hard when I’m home alone on Christmas Eve. At least Santa Claus showed up to bring some cheer! But Rick can tell you all about that. Right, Rick?
No one told me Santa was going to be here. No one. He knocked on my office door and greeted me with the warmest hug I had ever been part of in my life. Now, we have some history as I was still sour about a missed 1993 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Megazord that was supposed to be under my tree, but was noticeably absent that faithful morning. The amount of letters I had sent trying to ascertain what I had done wrong that would have caused this lapse was numerous. And here is was, standing in front, pulling out that same toy from behind his back, and I will be honest folks, I bawled like a baby. After putting it together, he sat down next to me and we just talked. There is not a lot of good left in the world, but I am thankful we still have him out there delivering presents to all the good little children across the world. He even confessed that my Megazord had been accidentally left behind and he had been feeling guilty ever since. I mean, how am I even going to write about football after a moment like that. But, also, what the fuck Cardinals. Oh, sorry Santa!
SANTA CLAUS (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)
Greetings to one and all! This is my busiest time of year, but even I could not turn down an opportunity to write alongside Mitchell and Rick, such fine young men. Many of you may be wondering who Santa roots for on Sundays when he’s not busy down in the shop, as the NFL season coincides with when things really start to heat up for Ol’ Father Christmas. It’s no surprise that my adoration goes back to the very beginning, so I will say that my team had been the Acme Packers which are now the Green Bay Packers. BUT, ever since that poor misguided lad Aaron Rodgers decided to switch from Nice to Naughty, my support had to be directed elsewhere. So, at Mrs. Claus’s behest, I now am a member of the Bills Mafia, especially after they got me out of the jam back in 1977. Now, if Mr. Rodgers is reading this, don’t fret, there is always a chance to get back into my good graces, all you have to do is the right thing. We both know what it is, you just have to stop being a real cotton headed ninny muggins, pardon my language.
Chicago Bears @ Seattle Seahawks – Dec 26th 4:05PM ET
Both of these teams seem to be at a crossroads for their future. The Bears need to figure out who they are for the future, and the Seahawks need to move on from the past. Nothing special will really come for either team as the season winds downs and now is when you start focusing on what next year will bring. I think the Seahawks still have the core of a good team to at least bounce back in 2022, but the Bears have just been through one letdown after another that perhaps it’s time to start over. Either way, I like Seattle here, but I’m sure Chicago’s time to shine will be soon enough.
Los Angeles Rams @ Minnesota Vikings – Dec 26th 1:00PM ET
The Vikings are trying to push their way into the playoffs while the Rams are trying to stay put. I think Stafford and the Rams will take care of business here and leapfrog the Cardinals into the #1 position in the NFC West.
Indianapolis Colts @ Arizona Cardinals – Dec 26th 8:15PM ET
I just saw a headline: “The Colts will likely be down multiple O-Line starters against the Cardinals”. I’ve seen this play before. Jesus may be the reason for the season, but Ginger Jesus does not perform well under these circumstances, historically. While he has been having a markedly better season this year than his final stint in Philadelphia, He’s no Kyler Murray, and I have to imagine the Cardinals are going to feel a sense of urgency going into this game after a downright head-scratcher of a loss to Detroit this past week. Combine that with Carson Wentz’s decision-making skills (or lack thereof) when the pocket breaks down, and well…
Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Jets – Dec 26th 1:00PM ET
The Jacksonville Jaguars move from one mediocre game to the next this week, now definitively holding the title of “Worst Team in the NFL” for this season. The New York Jets, while one win up on the Jags, are also coming off a loss last week, so this game is honestly a coin flip to me. No, literally, I mean I’m about to flip a coin right now. Heads I go with the Jags, tails I go with the Jets. *flip* Oh, fuck. The coin slipped through the floorboards. You know what? I’ll go with the Jaguars, but all I ask is that you imagine me saying it like Mark Strong does in those car commercials.
THE GUEST GUESS
Buffalo Bills @ New England Patriots – Dec 26th 1:00PM ET
Welcome again my dear readers, Father Christmas here. It seems that I am now asked to choose between the Bills of Buffalo and the Patriots of New England. Normally I would simply assess my Naughty/Nice master list and tabulate through that, but I think this requires more of my own attention. Both teams are in quite a battle for the lead of their division, and I’m sure they are all trying their very best to win. Hmmm, this judgement is personal one, as I must lean towards the side of Buffalo due to my fondness for them. Besides, a young Thomas Brady insisted I give him a Super Bowl win for Christmas one year, and I begrudgingly agreed and next thing you know the Patriots have 6 of them! It’s time for someone else, so, Bills Mafia, do your thing and put the Pats through a table.
RICKS PICKS: 1 – 1
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 1 – 1
GUEST GUESS: 0 – 1
RICKS PICKS: 18 – 10
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 15 – 12
GUEST GUESS: 6 – 7
**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.