We roll into Week 6 with one undefeated team left, the Arizona Cardinals. Many others are still trying to hold their leads in their respective divisions with plenty of NFL games left on the calendar. Strong offenses and defenses are starting to emerge, along with the teams who will most likely be battling for a top draft pick. Dr. Mitchell Powers, Rick Danger, and special guest Justin F. Balles, look forward to providing you with predictions for the upcoming NFL action. They would also like to take a moment to apologize to the r/NFL subreddit for taking up space on their site. We appreciated the comments, and to the person who sent us THAT picture, you should get that looked at, it’s uh, not right.
I might as well change my license plate from HWY2HLL to 1AND1 because I cannot break this streak. One win and one loss. Every fucking week. Listen, I got into this business to call games like I see ’em, and also to make ridiculous amounts of money to afford my own gator farm in the basement, but that is beside the point. Time for me to start turning on the ol’ Danger intuition and making these predictions mean something. May have to go back to my old tricks of showing up at the hotel’s teams are staying at and hitting some shins with crowbars. Tonya learned that shit from me, and in return, I can do a triple axel. It’s obviously not a foolproof plan, but like all the Danger men in my family, I love to win and will probably die of a preventable disease. So, to my fateful followers, Uncle Rick is cracking his knuckles, putting down his nunchucks, taking off his party hat, putting on his serious hat, and getting to work. Unrelated, but anyone have some insight on gator farm licenses?
DR. MITCHELL POWERS
We like to tell ourselves that the universe is supposed to be a balanced place. I truly thought that after missing on two calls in week four, I would have come back with a 2-0 set of calls last week. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, and it puts me in the same boat as my good pal Rick with a 1-1 set of calls instead. As I sit and ponder this point, writing these words on a Thursday night, I’m also watching the Philadelphia Eagles running onto the field and thinking about futility. Sometimes we’re simply futile against the whims of the universe. And then we’re given a choice: We can defer the ball to Tom Brady, as the Eagles have chosen to do on the coin toss, or we can fight back and try to reclaim our former glory, in much the same way that Fletcher Cox hasn’t. This week, I’m choosing to fight back. We can only hope I stop getting double-teamed.
JOHNNY F. BALLES (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)
Look, I’m the biggest pigskin fan you’ll ever know. If it’s football, I am a total genius. I love it when the players go for the home run by throwing that ball for the grand slam. It’s a treat watching them hit the ice and get the slam dunk. My favorite NFL player has to be that champion athlete himself, Lebron James. He’s truly football’s greatest hero. Oh, and one more thing… open wide for some soccer!
Minnesota Vikings @ Carolina Panthers – October 17th 1:00PM ET
The Vikings are coming off a win against Detroit, while Carolina is still reeling from a loss to Philadelphia. These two teams need this win and I’m interested to see who will get the job done. Like the Vikings of old, I’m sure Minnesota plans on storming into the Panther’s stadium and pillaging to the point where there isn’t even a hot-dog stand left. I mean, do you want to pay $10 for a hot dog? Especially when we both know that most of that meat is whatever animal didn’t make it back on the Ringling Bros. train. Carolina’s defense will have to do most of the heavy lifting with their offense still waiting on CMC to be healthy. Sam Darnold will have to rely on his WR with the absolutely real name of Chuba Hubbard. Sounds like gum so chew on that. On the other side of the ball, Kirk Cousins, who I am now realizing is the QB for Vikings, will be targeting Justin Jefferson for most of the day. I’m going to give the nod to Darnold and Chuba to they keep the invading Vikings at bay, probably putting them back on their boat and shooting a flaming arrow at it as it floats out to sea.
Seattle Seahawks @ Pittsburgh Steelers – October 17th 8:20PM ET
Russell Wilson is currently sitting at home next to Ciara and recuperating and will be watching this game on what I could only imagine as an ungodly sized TV. I am more jealous of the person he is watching the game with, than his house, career, or anything else he possibly owns. But, I digress, because without Russell Wilson, I do not see these Seahawks taking flight, unless it’s on American Airlines. I was going to say Southwest, but they look just as grounded as these guys. On the other hand, Ben Roethlisberger has been accused of sexually assaulting two women, and settling out of court with one of them. Uncle Rick is in a bind here because I think the Steelers win because Geno Smith is not filling the shoes of a missing Wilson, but I also think Ben Roethlisberger has no right to be on a football field. I know this is heavy stuff for a fluff piece about football, but maybe if we spent more time being uncomfortable, shit would change. I guess the even money here is that the Steelers win, but then a celebratory dogpile turns into an accidental homicide as the air is forced out of Roethlisberger’s lungs by the two-lineman stuck on top of him. His last thoughts being fear and desperation, something he can share with his victims. Apologies for getting a bit heavy there, but Rick Danger gives zero fucks about Ben Rapeyberger.
PICK: STEELERS & DEATH!
Las Vegas Raiders @ Denver Broncos – October 17th 4:25PM ET
In my mind, the outcome of this game has nothing to do with analytics. It has nothing to do with player stats, recent injuries, or home field advantage. This is a game that will be won on the emotional front. Let me paint a picture for you: Have you ever felt sluggish? You’re tired, it’s only 11am but it feels like you’ve slogging through the longest day already. You can’t concentrate, you’re a little too warm for some reason, and no matter what you do you can’t get comfortable in your $700 office chair. Then, it hits you. You know why you’re feeling this way. You head to the bathroom and dump out all that nasty food you ate the night before, and suddenly the world is a better place. You feel lighter, your mood shifts, and only now can you truly begin to tackle your day and make the progress you always knew you could. Are you picking up what I’m putting down? The Raiders flushed a huge piece of shit down the toilet this week. I’m sure they’re going to feel a lot better going into Sunday’s game, and new head coach Rich Bisaccia will be the bidet to bring a fresh feeling in.
Dallas Cowboys @ New England Patriots – October 17th 4:25PM ET
America’s Team vs. the American Empire. Big Dak vs. Big Mac. Bill Belichick may be a legendary coach, but there’s no denying this Cowboys offense, as much as I’d like to. Dallas is coming into this game with four wins and only one loss, and New England sits at a meager 2-3 record. We’re getting to that point in the season where the blurry silhouettes start to clear up and you can truly start to see what a team’s personality is going to look like going forward. Dallas must mean business, because they’re sitting at 2nd in the league for both total offensive yards per game and total points per game. As for the Patriots, I’m more convinced than ever that Tom Brady’s departure served as the end of an era. With Brady on pace to break NFL records at age 44 and playing like the defending Superbowl champion he is, it’s difficult to look at the Patriots and feel that the same magic is there. I may not care for either of these teams, but it’s my job to recognize game when I see it, and the Cowboys are about to wrangle themselves up some Patriots this weekend.
THE GUEST GUESS
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Miami Dolphins – October 17th 9:30AM ET
So, I heard both these teams here are terrible losers, which had me wondering who exactly booked this crap. Last week, both of ‘em sucked so bad that they lost their games. Maybe if these two teams focused on the fundamentals like the penalty kill or the 5-4-1 formation, they wouldn’t be such losers. Terry Lawrence or whatever his name is, did Tony Khan pull him from that wrestling company he runs? Should probably try playing some football sometime instead of body slamming Andre the Giant. As for the Dolphins, I think they’d do better if they spent more time practicing their three-pointers. I’ve never seen such pathetic baserunning from a team. They’re not gonna make a pee-wee league at this rate.
PICK: JAGUARS (provided they can get the walk-off dinger that leads to the overtime super-point)
RICKS PICKS: 1 – 1
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 1 – 1
GUEST GUESS: 0 – 1
RICKS PICKS: 6 – 4
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 5 – 5
GUEST GUESS: 2 – 3
**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talk show, the opinions and views here are a joke.