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Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 6

We roll into Week 6 with one undefeated team left, the Arizona Cardinals. Many others are still trying to hold their leads in their respective divisions with plenty of NFL games left on the calendar. Strong offenses and defenses are starting to emerge, along with the teams who will most likely be battling for a top draft pick. Dr. Mitchell Powers, Rick Danger, and special guest Justin F. Balles, look forward to providing you with predictions for the upcoming NFL action. They would also like to take a moment to apologize to the r/NFL subreddit for taking up space on their site. We appreciated the comments, and to the person who sent us THAT picture, you should get that looked at, it’s uh, not right.

RICK DANGER

I might as well change my license plate from HWY2HLL to 1AND1 because I cannot break this streak. One win and one loss. Every fucking week. Listen, I got into this business to call games like I see ’em, and also to make ridiculous amounts of money to afford my own gator farm in the basement, but that is beside the point. Time for me to start turning on the ol’ Danger intuition and making these predictions mean something. May have to go back to my old tricks of showing up at the hotel’s teams are staying at and hitting some shins with crowbars. Tonya learned that shit from me, and in return, I can do a triple axel. It’s obviously not a foolproof plan, but like all the Danger men in my family, I love to win and will probably die of a preventable disease. So, to my fateful followers, Uncle Rick is cracking his knuckles, putting down his nunchucks, taking off his party hat, putting on his serious hat, and getting to work. Unrelated, but anyone have some insight on gator farm licenses?

DR. MITCHELL POWERS

We like to tell ourselves that the universe is supposed to be a balanced place. I truly thought that after missing on two calls in week four, I would have come back with a 2-0 set of calls last week. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, and it puts me in the same boat as my good pal Rick with a 1-1 set of calls instead. As I sit and ponder this point, writing these words on a Thursday night, I’m also watching the Philadelphia Eagles running onto the field and thinking about futility. Sometimes we’re simply futile against the whims of the universe. And then we’re given a choice: We can defer the ball to Tom Brady, as the Eagles have chosen to do on the coin toss, or we can fight back and try to reclaim our former glory, in much the same way that Fletcher Cox hasn’t. This week, I’m choosing to fight back. We can only hope I stop getting double-teamed.

JOHNNY F. BALLES (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)

Look, I’m the biggest pigskin fan you’ll ever know. If it’s football, I am a total genius. I love it when the players go for the home run by throwing that ball for the grand slam. It’s a treat watching them hit the ice and get the slam dunk. My favorite NFL player has to be that champion athlete himself, Lebron James. He’s truly football’s greatest hero. Oh, and one more thing… open wide for some soccer!

RICK’S PICKS

Minnesota Vikings @ Carolina Panthers – October 17th 1:00PM ET

The Vikings are coming off a win against Detroit, while Carolina is still reeling from a loss to Philadelphia. These two teams need this win and I’m interested to see who will get the job done. Like the Vikings of old, I’m sure Minnesota plans on storming into the Panther’s stadium and pillaging to the point where there isn’t even a hot-dog stand left. I mean, do you want to pay $10 for a hot dog? Especially when we both know that most of that meat is whatever animal didn’t make it back on the Ringling Bros. train. Carolina’s defense will have to do most of the heavy lifting with their offense still waiting on CMC to be healthy. Sam Darnold will have to rely on his WR with the absolutely real name of Chuba Hubbard. Sounds like gum so chew on that.  On the other side of the ball, Kirk Cousins, who I am now realizing is the QB for Vikings, will be targeting Justin Jefferson for most of the day. I’m going to give the nod to Darnold and Chuba to they keep the invading Vikings at bay, probably putting them back on their boat and shooting a flaming arrow at it as it floats out to sea.

PICK: PANTHERS

Seattle Seahawks @ Pittsburgh Steelers – October 17th 8:20PM ET

Russell Wilson is currently sitting at home next to Ciara and recuperating and will be watching this game on what I could only imagine as an ungodly sized TV. I am more jealous of the person he is watching the game with, than his house, career, or anything else he possibly owns. But, I digress, because without Russell Wilson, I do not see these Seahawks taking flight, unless it’s on American Airlines. I was going to say Southwest, but they look just as grounded as these guys. On the other hand, Ben Roethlisberger has been accused of sexually assaulting two women, and settling out of court with one of them. Uncle Rick is in a bind here because I think the Steelers win because Geno Smith is not filling the shoes of a missing Wilson, but I also think Ben Roethlisberger has no right to be on a football field. I know this is heavy stuff for a fluff piece about football, but maybe if we spent more time being uncomfortable, shit would change. I guess the even money here is that the Steelers win, but then a celebratory dogpile turns into an accidental homicide as the air is forced out of Roethlisberger’s lungs by the two-lineman stuck on top of him. His last thoughts being fear and desperation, something he can share with his victims. Apologies for getting a bit heavy there, but Rick Danger gives zero fucks about Ben Rapeyberger.

PICK: STEELERS & DEATH!

POWERS’ PREDICTIONS

Las Vegas Raiders @ Denver Broncos – October 17th 4:25PM ET

In my mind, the outcome of this game has nothing to do with analytics. It has nothing to do with player stats, recent injuries, or home field advantage. This is a game that will be won on the emotional front. Let me paint a picture for you: Have you ever felt sluggish? You’re tired, it’s only 11am but it feels like you’ve slogging through the longest day already. You can’t concentrate, you’re a little too warm for some reason, and no matter what you do you can’t get comfortable in your $700 office chair. Then, it hits you. You know why you’re feeling this way. You head to the bathroom and dump out all that nasty food you ate the night before, and suddenly the world is a better place. You feel lighter, your mood shifts, and only now can you truly begin to tackle your day and make the progress you always knew you could. Are you picking up what I’m putting down? The Raiders flushed a huge piece of shit down the toilet this week. I’m sure they’re going to feel a lot better going into Sunday’s game, and new head coach Rich Bisaccia will be the bidet to bring a fresh feeling in.

PICK: RAIDERS

Dallas Cowboys @ New England Patriots – October 17th 4:25PM ET

America’s Team vs. the American Empire. Big Dak vs. Big Mac. Bill Belichick may be a legendary coach, but there’s no denying this Cowboys offense, as much as I’d like to. Dallas is coming into this game with four wins and only one loss, and New England sits at a meager 2-3 record. We’re getting to that point in the season where the blurry silhouettes start to clear up and you can truly start to see what a team’s personality is going to look like going forward. Dallas must mean business, because they’re sitting at 2nd in the league for both total offensive yards per game and total points per game. As for the Patriots, I’m more convinced than ever that Tom Brady’s departure served as the end of an era. With Brady on pace to break NFL records at age 44 and playing like the defending Superbowl champion he is, it’s difficult to look at the Patriots and feel that the same magic is there. I may not care for either of these teams, but it’s my job to recognize game when I see it, and the Cowboys are about to wrangle themselves up some Patriots this weekend.

PICK: COWBOYS

THE GUEST GUESS

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Miami Dolphins – October 17th 9:30AM ET

So, I heard both these teams here are terrible losers, which had me wondering who exactly booked this crap. Last week, both of ‘em sucked so bad that they lost their games. Maybe if these two teams focused on the fundamentals like the penalty kill or the 5-4-1 formation, they wouldn’t be such losers. Terry Lawrence or whatever his name is, did Tony Khan pull him from that wrestling company he runs? Should probably try playing some football sometime instead of body slamming Andre the Giant. As for the Dolphins, I think they’d do better if they spent more time practicing their three-pointers. I’ve never seen such pathetic baserunning from a team. They’re not gonna make a pee-wee league at this rate.

PICK: JAGUARS (provided they can get the walk-off dinger that leads to the overtime super-point)

LAST WEEK 

RICKS PICKS: 1 – 1

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 1 – 1

GUEST GUESS: 0 – 1

OVERALL

RICKS PICKS: 6 – 4

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 5 – 5

GUEST GUESS: 2 – 3

**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talk show, the opinions and views here are a joke.

Categories
sports Uncategorized

Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 5

Week 4 has come and gone, but don’t fret, Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger are back to cover all the Week 5 NFL action. We are down to one undefeated team, and many more vying for control of their division as the season moves on. This week, the boys are joined by Dr. Scout Baker, a Professor of History, and all-around Football connoisseur. These predictions are can’t miss, so read on and spread the word of the GC experts!

DR. MITCHELL POWERS

There comes a time in most young people’s lives when the illusion of a simplistic, binary world is suddenly shattered, like King Kong tossing a Ford F-250 Super Duty through the all-glass doors of a 1990s Commerce Bank. Maybe it’s a once-in-a-generation world event (note: “once” may also mean “several” for anyone under the age of 40,) or perhaps it’s something as small as a friend’s parents’ divorce that wakes you up to the complex and unexpected aspects of life. The point is, I was living comfortably in the aforementioned metaphorical Commerce Bank until this past weekend, when two historically mediocre New York football teams both won against their respective opponents: the Saints and the Titans. Look, I’m a pretty humble guy. Even I can admit when I’m out of my depth and I make a bad call, even if it does lead to our LA-based distribution center being repossessed by those damn pencil-pushers in the FBI (Side note: Rico, if you’re reading this, you’ll get your product. I just need a bit more time.) But my missing calls on both of those games? It’s why we can’t have nice things. I need to move on to thinking about the games coming this weekend. Between losing all that co…-ca cola, and missing the calls on those games, I’m simply too disgusted to have any other input on the topic.

RICK DANGER

Another week under wraps and good ole’ Uncle Rick escapes with a split on his games. To me, a split is like a tie, and you’re thinking of the wrong football if you’re okay with a tie. I’ve now been informed by my assistant Bill that there is such a thing as a tie in the NFL. Normally I would say Bill’s an idiot, but he has a PhD, which means pretty huge diploma, and I’ve seen it hanging on the wall, so there must be something up there in that noggin. As for my picks, the Bears came out looking like, well, bears. As for the lions, they came out looking like a tabby after two cans of fancy feast. Well, guess what lions: you don’t deserve fancy feast, you’re getting cans of ‘Unwanted #2 Small Animal Rations,’ which legally cannot contain the words food or cat on their label! Looking over to the Colts game, the duct tape must have worked because Carson Wentz led them to victory over the dolphins. The well-balanced offense moved the ball efficiently, while their defense took care of the rest. I’m sure Carson can take a big sigh of relief for two reasons. One, the elephant tranquilizers being infused into his ankles are starting to kick in. Two, it’s not time to call in Nick Foles to replace him…yet.

DR. SCOUT BAKER (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)

Thank y’all so much Dr. Powers and Mr. Danger for having me here today. For readers who don’t know me, you can call me Dr. Scout Baker; and yes, I did say Dr. I worked my butt off for those three letters at the end of my name. I’m glad I was able to take a quick break from grading papers. The Russian Revolution of 1917; riveting stuff might I say. The rise of Communism brought with it a cold winter and a shadow of Hammer and Sickle to cast out the tyranny of Czarism. But that is decades old history, let’s get to talking about more recent events in the National League of Football.

RICK’S PICKS

Chicago Bears @ Las Vegas Raiders – October 10th 4:05PM ET

The Deep Dish Dough Boys travel to sin city to taking on the Raiders and an entire strip worth of slots and table games. It must be wild as a player to travel there and not visit a sports book to place a wager on the game. Now, Uncle Rick is treading into some illegal waters here, but if I found out that I could turn $10 into $10,000 by placing a prop bet where our kicker needs to run in a touchdown, you’re damn right that scrawny fuck is jumping the goal line with the ball in his hands. Anyways, the Raiders are looking to bounce back after a loss to their division rivals, the bolt boys, and the Bears are trying to cement their position as a legitimate team. My gut is telling me to go with Justin Fields and Chicago, but I think that’s just my IBS acting up. Raiders and the fountain show at the Bellagio will confound the Bears into a loss. As for a trip to Vegas, it can be done in two days, one to find the person, and the second to bury the body.

PICK: RAIDERS

Cleveland Browns @ Los Angeles Chargers – October 10th 4:05PM ET

Cleveland will be visiting the town so nice; its literal translation is Whale’s Vagina. Look, that reference is dated, but I still am using HitClips to listen to my favorite Sugar Ray songs 1 minute at a time. Moving on, the Browns and the Chargers find themselves in the battle of the “3-1’s,” with both teams trying to break away from the pack in their respected divisions. Justin Herbert is leading the charge for the, um, Chargers, and is definitely making a name for himself. Not sure what the name is yet, but it’ll be a good one, like Zorbo or Blumpky. As for Baker Mayfield and the Browns, their consistent offense and dominant defense have been the key to their success. Goddammit, I left my keys in my truck, and this is after the dealers tried to swindle me with that spare key bullshit. Maybe I’ll just take the top off and make it a convertible. Anyway, I think the Chargers, like me, will blow the roof off this thing. Browns will put up a fight, but eventually, they’ll get flushed down the drain.

PICK: CHARGERS

POWERS’ PREDICTIONS

New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys – October 10th 4:25PM ET

Dak Prescott is the only quarterback from the 2016 draft class still playing for the same organization that drafted him. Jared Goff was traded, Carson Wentz was benched (then traded) and Jacoby Brissett is… a person? (What’s that, Bill? Brissett’s playing for… the what?….. the Doll Skins? What a creepy name for a…. OH, the Dolphins? You’re pulling my leg, right? Who the hell would name a football team after DOLPHINS, Bill? What? No, I will not calm down! YOU CALM DOWN!! You’re not the only one with a PhD, you know!) The point I’m getting at here is that the debate on “best QB from the 2016 draft class” is about as settled as day-old steak. I’m not a Cowboys fan, but coming off injury as well as an emotional year off the field, I have to give Dak Prescott a significant hat tip for the state of his play. And divisional game be damned, I don’t see New York winning a second week in a row, much less against the Cowboys’ offense. Maybe the Giants manage to keep it a low-scoring affair, but I think the Cowboys pull out a ‘W’ in this one.

PICK: COWBOYS

Green Bay Packers @ Cincinnati Bengals – October 10th 1:00PM ET

There was a significant period within the last few years when I honestly forgot the Bengals existed. I don’t harbor any ill will toward the team, but they had simply been profoundly mediocre for a stretch of time. Take a look at the Bengals this season, however, and they’re a decidedly different team thus far. Joe Burrow has apparently been using “Jeopardy-like” review sessions to practice reading defenses, so he’s clearly been studying the enemy. It doesn’t even matter that Aaron Rodgers isn’t on the defensive side of the field. It’s a power move. It’s Joe Burrow sending a clear message to Aaron Rodgers that he’s not afraid of a former Jeopardy-host-turned-NFL-quarterback, and he knows that Aaron Rodgers doesn’t like playing in Cincinnati. Not to mention, I haven’t even brought up Rasul Douglas yet, who was recently signed to Green Bay in the cornerback position. If Douglas does see snaps this Sunday, Philadelphia fans will know the answer all too well.

“Rasul Douglas getting burned on deep routes and consistently committing penalties can be described by this commonly-used insurance term.”

“What is liability?”

PICK: BENGALS

THE GUEST GUESS

Philadelphia Eagles @ Carolina Panthers – October 10th 1:00PM ET

So this week y’all have asked for my personal predictions on the upcoming game, pitting together the Carolina Panthers against those Philadelphia Eagles; and might I just say for this game, there is NO question as to what will be the final result. The crowd won’t be learning to spell like on Sesame Street, but instead they are going to be singing SWEET CAROLINE…BUM BUM BUMMMM!!!!!! Judging by the Eagles current standings with 1-2 and Jalen Hurts playing like he is, one might call him a little bird who’s had his wings clipped and is unable to fly. Now when it comes to the Panthers, there is only room for one QUEEN of the Animal Kingdom. Sam Darnold is going to lead his team like General Patton and conquer those little birds this coming Sunday. Everyone better look up because that sky is CAROLINA BLUE BABAY!

PICK: PANTHERS

LAST WEEK 

RICKS PICKS: 1 – 1

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 0 – 2

GUEST GUESS: 1 – 0

OVERALL

RICKS PICKS: 5 – 3

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 4 – 4

GUEST GUESS: 2 – 2

**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.


Catch up with Dr. Mitch & Rick’s previous picks here:

Not A Football Fan? Here’s Your Starter Guide
Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 2
Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 3
Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 4

Categories
sports Uncategorized Various Media

Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 4

Another week of NFL action is in the books and Fast Five Picks is back with your friends Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger! Every week these two football wizards cover 5 NFL games and share their winning predictions. Week 3 provided some moments of awe and suspense, and when the dust settled, we still have some teams sitting undefeated. A Monday night blowout capped off this weekend of excitement, and our pundits are ready to look back into their crystal balls for more inside looks into the coming week. As is the case every week, we have sought the advice of a guest expert, and with knowledge spanning to the days of the ‘Steel Curtain,’ please welcome Rusty “Nails” McGillicutty.

DR. MITCHELL POWERS

The Bills absolutely destroyed Washington. There’s probably a joke somewhere in there about the Federal Reserve, but I think Washington is going through enough this week as it is, so I’ll try not to hurt their feelings too much. Then again, the representatives in Washington have about as much in the way of feelings as the penny has in value. Which is to say, they’re completely worthless and are just getting in the way of making real progress. But enough about the children, what about the Chiefs and Chargers? It turns out the Chargers creating a chilling atmosphere for Patrick Mahomes, who chucked a pair of cheeseballs to the opposing chaps. You know what they say, it’s a challenge to win a game when you lose the churnover battle, and… oh no. It’s chappening again… And itch worse! Rick! Take over, won’tcha?

RICK DANGER

            It looks like the boys from New England were too busy choosing between adding too many syllables to words, or eating wicked grinders made in Southie, to watch their minutemen get turned into 6-second-men courtesy of the Saints. Mac Jones was left stumbling like a freshman coming out of Shay’s on their way back to ‘Hah-vid.’ Geographical jokes aside, the Saints looked sharper than my cousin when he wears that bright orange suit that brings out that one tooth that looks like it was dipped in Sunkist. As for the Latter-Day-Saint himself, Zach Wilson, AS I PREDICTED, he threw 2 interceptions and 0 touchdowns, bringing his INT total to 7! I guess Zach forgot that the Garden of Eden for friends of Joseph was in Missouri, not in Denver, where the Broncos shot the Jets down faster than, you guessed it, Joseph Smith’s disciples. That joke lands better if you know your Mormon history, and it doesn’t land at all if you’re a New York Jet. As my mama used to say, it’s a new week, change your underwear! So, here we go with the picks!

RUSTY “NAILS” MCGILLICUTTY (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)

Hey, Doc. Hey, RD. Long time listener, first time caller. I tell ya fellas, I hardly recognize this game anymore. Back in the glory days, all the action was between the tackles, right? The linemen were made of iron and guts. You get a concussion, you snot rocket that baby out your nose and go back to work. You established the run. You could hit a guy in the mouth. Power sweeps. Fullback dives. Tear up your fancy Astroturf and get out your lunch pail, we’re playing on the asphalt and concrete. Now they don’t even have any fullbacks. Just a couple Polish schmoes running routes out of the backfield. These days, everyone wants to throw the ball to the prima donnas and draw a pass interference. Shoot – back in my day we had a different name for pass interference: we called it defense! Now they’re telling me last weekend’s big stories were a couple of game-winning field goals. Some opera singer sets a new record for longest field goal. Boy, if there’s anybody I hate to see taking over this game less than diva wide receivers and quarterbacks, it’s kickers. Right? I mean they don’t call it “foot” ball, am I right guys?


RICK’S PICKS

Indianapolis Colts @ Miami Dolphins – October 3rd 1:00PM ET

            The 0-3 Colts meet the 1-2 Dolphins in a battle to reshape their seasons before it becomes a lost cause, like expecting to work out after eating at Cinnabon. For the Colts, Carson Wentz has decided to continue shattering his ankles beyond repair and will take the starting nod under center. At some point this season the lower half of his body will be mostly duct tape, which I find admirable, but until we evolve into the ‘Iron-Man’ era of lower-body modifications, perhaps he should sit down. Wait, can he sit down? Maybe just put him on a pile of used game towels or something. As we flip over to the Dolphins, who are facing their own set of injuries, they will be putting Jacoby Brissett out there, replacing the greatest named Quarterback of all-time, Tua Tagovailoa. Actually, I take that back, the best QB name I have ever seen is David ‘Windmill” Spinner. His arm was never put back into the socket correctly, so we called him ‘Windmill,” and we all just expected him to play like that kid from the movie Rookie of The Year, but that did not happen at all. He was an awful QB, but that name was great. He spins those ‘Cash for Gold’ signs now by the Wawa off of Exit 13. What was I talking about? Oh right, yeah, a battered Wentz against Brissett the back-up, enjoy the yawn-fest and take the Colts in a much-needed victory. They are going to have to take Wentz to a horse hospital if he gets injured after this one.

PICK: COLTS


Detroit Lions @ Chicago Bears – October 3rd 1:00PM ET

Lions (and Tigers) and Bears, OH MY! Where is your God now Detroit? He fucked off to L.A. and has never looked back. Your Ex has moved on and their Instagram is nothing but pictures of them smiling with their new partner. It’s okay, scream into your rage pillow, you deserve it. Listen, Jared Goff is doing his best, and I’m sure he wishes he was back in L.A. too, I mean no offense, but going from there to Detroit is definitely shock. I remember when my camper was towed and ended up next to the river, and I have never owned beach-front property before, so it just took time getting used to things. Listen, Uncle Rick is here to tell you that this week, Goff will right the ship. Justin Fields got his head knocked around by the Browns and I don’t think he’ll be coming into this game 100%. Nobody likes going into Soldier Field, but I think these Lions are less ‘cowardly’ and rather are ready to pounce. So Detroit, get a haircut, get on the treadmill, and get back out there because it’s never too late to start something new. Goff will get used to Detroit-style, trust me. Maybe one day there will be a statue of him holding hands with Robocop?

PICK: DETROIT


POWERS’ PREDICTIONS

Tennessee Titans @ New York Jets – October 3rd 1:00PM ET

Jets may be fast, but the Titans absolutely have the momentum coming into this one. Any win streak feels good, so even a small two-win streak coming off of a loss to open the season must feel great for Tennessee. Streaking, or the platonic ideal of streaking, that is, feels even better. There’s nothing quite as liberating in this world… but I’m getting off topic. I don’t believe the Jets will be leaving any streaks in the sky on Sunday, as the Titans will likely stand tall and roundhouse kick the Jets into another dimension. Ignore the fine print at the bottom of this article (or don’t). That’s not my opinion. It’s a fact. Ryan Tannehill may not have his full arsenal at the ready on Sunday, but as long as they’ve got Derrick Henry in that backfield, the Jets are running on borrowed time before another piece of pop culture throws in a joke about just how bad they’ve been. As Shakespeare once rhymed so beautifully, “0 and 3 is a bad place to be. 0 and 4? The Jets’ season is done with.”

PICK: TITANS


New York Giants @ New Orleans Saints – October 3rd 1:00PM ET

This game has a lot in common with the upcoming Titans/Jets affair. An 0-3 team going up against a team that’s sitting at 2-1 with a running back who can most certainly cause trouble. Those details aside, there are some differences which I think make for an important distinction and could affect the outcome of the game. The Giants haven’t lost all of their games to as wide a margin as the Jets. They haven’t been shutout like the Jets (yet). They haven’t had some soul-crushing loss to the Philadelphia Eagles this season (yet). Daniel Jones proved last season that he can run just as fast as Lamar Jackson if he eats his Wheaties, even if in the final steps he looks like a drunken child running to the living room because OH MY GOD, THE BATMAN CARTOON IS ON!!!!! And to top it all off, the Saints aren’t coming into this game with the same two-win streak the Titans will take into their game against the Jets. I suppose what I’m trying to get at here, if it wasn’t already obvious, I mean, if you hadn’t already figured it out yet, because seriously, you REALLY should have figured it out by now, is, well…

The Saints are winning this game. Come on, you didn’t really think I’d give this one to the Giants, did you?

PICK: SAINTS


THE GUEST GUESS

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Green Bay Packers – October 3rd 4:25PM ET

These two franchises get my blood moving, boys. My daddy was a meat packer and my other daddy was a steelworker. They weren’t a couple or nothin’ – they just had an arm-wrestling contest at a bar and I popped out. Coach Lombardi’s Packers made this game what it is, er, what it was, (What year is it?) and Pittsburgh is a blue collar town that loves to win tough. I know their coach Mike Tomlin likes that too, but then fellas, why are the 1-2 Steelers ranked third in the league in passing attempts and second to last in rushing attempts? I’ll tell you their other problem too – their offensive line has more holes than my favorite boxers. It’s like I keep telling you, you gotta win at the line of scrimmage. After a gritty upset over the Buffalo Bills in the opener, their steel is melting like Arnold at the end of T2. I gotta say I’ve got mixed feelings about the Packers. How is some scruffy little stringbean from SoCal who wants to be the host of Jeopardy going to lead real men into battle – tell me that, huh? And then he starts talking about leaving his Packers, the organization that drafted him, benched him, cheered for him, and wasted most of the best years of his career through complacent management!? There used to be something called loyalty. Brett Favre would never have walked away from the Pack for some big city! Or some division rival! Or broadcasting! Who does Rodgers think he is? But at the same time, when he came back from vacation late, sulked around, and took the first week of the season to work off his hangover before turning it on, I gotta admit, I saw a little of myself in the man.

PICK: PACKERS

LAST WEEK 

RICKS PICKS: 1 – 1

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 1 – 1

GUEST GUESS: 0 – 1

OVERALL

RICKS PICKS: 4 – 2

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 4 – 2

GUEST GUESS: 1 – 2

**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.

Categories
sports Uncategorized

Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 3

Welcome back to Fast Five Picks with Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger! Each week we will cover 5 upcoming NFL games and give you our predicted outcome for each match-up. What a wild Week 2 we experienced, with some teams winning, and some teams losing. There were some blowouts, close-games, and some scores that just made sense. We look to our experts to see what they predict for the coming week, and what reflections they have from all the past action. As an added bonus, we will be pulling in a guest expert for a one game analysis that you just can’t miss! So, this week, please welcome the living legend himself, Tony ‘Pop-Pop’ Gameday.

DR. MITCHELL POWERS

And we’re back! What an interesting week of football. Interesting how, you ask? I’m honestly not sure, I was busy all weekend meeting some clients in an abandoned warehouse just outside of LA. There’s nothing quite like the rush of the FBI’s Raiders breaking down the door with Rams to collect unmarked Bills, am I right? Any given Sunday, but I digress. Let’s take a gander at last week’s picks! Although the Packers bested the Lions in a 35-17 victory, I read some article about players swapping jerseys on the field. Given that the introverts mentioned in last week’s picks would have been disgusted by this social behavior and were surely not in attendance, I’m chalking up last week’s pick in this area to a win. In other news, the Buccaneers put on quite the offensive show against the Falcons. I consider the true loser of this game to be myself, as it means I’ll have to continue to hear “alpha male” fans of Tom Brady attempt to rationalize their moderate homo-eroticism toward the quarterback through the lens of “toughness,” “high football IQ,” or some other bullshit metric instead of doing us all a favor and coming to terms with the natural fluidity of human sexual orientation.

RICK DANGER

You have entered the Danger Zone! (Bill, let me know if we secured the rights to this because I am not calling my segment the Danger Area. I don’t care how many times you tell me it’s cool. You wear socks with sandals, how can I trust your fucking opinion!) Looks like the Rockers took care of the Astronauts, sorry, the Browns beat the Texans, so I missed on that call. To be fair, seeing anything from Texas lose brought a smile to my face, like digging out a Snickers that got caught in the space next to your driver’s seat. Sometimes its melted, but that don’t mean its not good, it’s just aged like wine. Anyway, Fuck Texas. Speaking of that dumpster fire of a state, looks like the Cowboys took care of the Chargers. Called that one at least! It came down to the wire and the Chargers were on the losing end of a bad call. I was on the losing end of one of those as well; she took the dog, but I still have trash bags filled with all her wigs. Anyway, expect more of the same this week from your old pal Rick Danger, but if you see a St. Bernard that answers to the name ‘Steve McQueen,’ give me a holler.

TONY ‘POP-POP’ GAMEDAY (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)

Hey, boys, thanks for having me this week. I brought a pot of meatballs and sauce with some Amoroso’s rolls, so don’t be shy. There’s about a hundred meatballs in there (best in all of Delco) so it might just be enough for the 3 of us. I’ll make another batch for Monday night’s game. You know Monday night football used to be a big deal? Remember that? It meant something. I don’t even know who the announcers are. I asked my grandkid Tucker to look it up for me while he’s messing around with that clock program on his phone where people dance or talk while they watch people dance? I don’t know. Kid couldn’t be bothered. I love all my grandkids, I do, but that freaking kid sucks. He’s 28 and says he’s trying to be an influencer. I’d like to “influence” him to get up off his ass and get a freaking job. You know? Where was I? Oh yeah, Monday Night Football. What the hell happened with that? 


RICK’S PICKS

New Orleans Saints at New England PatriotsSeptember 26th at 1:00 PM ET

Finally, we get to see the yearly matchup of Brees and Brady. It’s games like these that, ugh, shit. Well, I guess we have moved onto the next era of great Quarterback duels, so let’s give it up for Mac Jones and Jameis Winston! Doesn’t have the same ring, and probably won’t for some time considering they are missing 8 of them (Brady:7, Brees:1).  Well, after throwing absolute fireballs his first game against the Packers, Winston turned around and dropped a big stinky turd the following week against the Panthers. Mac Jones on the other hand, loses a nail-biter to the Dolphins and then comes out strong against the Jets. Even if he is named after a character from Mike Tyson’s Punchout, I think Mac Jones has the advantage here. The Saints will travel up to New England, watch as the leaves turn to gold and red, and then get pummeled by the Patriots. They’ll stay for the Dunkin’, then get DunkedOn’.

PICK: PATRIOTS


New York Jets at Denver Broncos – September 26th 4:05PM ET           

Like a child who forgot to erase their browsing history, I think the Jets are going to be grounded this week. Now, I’m not fully committed to this 2 – 0 Broncos team either, but the Jets are looking ‘plane’ miserable. I think I saw Zach Wilson looking for his secret Mormon underwear during the 4th quarter last week so he could re-enroll at Brigham Young University. 4 interceptions last week, and I think Zach threw another one while I was writing out this sentence. With the Broncos sending out Teddy Bridgewater, a very underrated name for a Jazz Singer, catch him stretching the field and airing out the ball all day. If Zach Wilson throws more touchdowns than interceptions this weekend, you can find my full apology here the following week. However, if reality sets in and what should happen does happen, you will find a photoshopped picture of Zach Wilson riding a JET back to BYU next week! Denver BIG against New York.

PICK: BRONCOS


POWERS’ PREDICTIONS

Washington Football Team @ Buffalo Bills – September 26th at 1:00 PM ET

One of these teams is coming off of an absolute blowout victory. I’ll give you a hint: it’s the football team that actually has a name. The other team is coming off of a narrow win in a division match-up. Given this information, along with the fact that 99.9998% of the U.S. population can’t name Washington’s quarterback from memory (that number is empirical), I’m expecting Washington to have a difficult time with this game. The Bills haven’t lost to Washington at home since 1987, and I believe they’ll hold that record for the time being. If not, it’ll most likely be because Josh Allen watched too many Carson Wentz training videos over the summer.

PICK: BILLS


Los Angeles Chargers @ Kansas City ChiefsSeptember 26th at 1:00 PM ET

This game consists of two teams coming off of Week 1 wins and Week 2 losses: Chargers! Chiefs! Choosing the champion of this early season chapter won’t be a cheap better’s game. Check yourself before you change the channel on this challenge to move the chains and take charge of the scoreboard! Watch for the ball to get chucked downfield, where receivers will “say cheese” in the end zone after chasing down a touchdown pass and chide their opponents for choking like chumps. So choose the best chair, and chow down on some fried chicken, a charred steak, or chips with chunky salsa as you cheer and pound your chest for the Chargers or the Chiefs.

PICK: That was a lot of alliteration. How long was I out for? Let’s go with CHIEFS


THE GUEST GUESS

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas CowboysSeptember 27th at 8:15 PM ET

You asked my thoughts on the Eagles/Dallas game. Here they are: Dallas SUCKS. Always and forever. May Jesus himself come down and make my meatballs dry and my sauce sour if I’m lying. That said, it doesn’t get much better than this rivalry. Both teams are sitting at one and one after Dallas beat the Chargers and the Birds lost to the 49ers. The Eagles offense struggled last week throughout, but the real problem was the freaking penalties, especially during key plays. Eagles would have hands down won that game if not for the freaking penalties. Monday night though, after the new coach, not Doug, what’s his name, gives the boys the business, we’ll see less penalties, more guys getting open, and an Eagles victory. Cue all my grandkids singing FLY EAGLES FLY after a 27-10 victory. Oh, and DALLAS SUCKS. How are those meatballs? Best meatballs in Delaware County, right? GO BIRDS!


LAST WEEK 

RICKS PICKS: 1 – 1

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 1 – 1

GUEST GUESS: 0 – 1

OVERALL

RICKS PICKS: 3 – 1

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 3 – 1

GUEST GUESS: 1 – 1

**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.

Categories
sports Uncategorized

Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 2

Welcome to Fast Five Picks with Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger! Each week we will cover 5 upcoming NFL games and give you our predicted outcome for each match-up. As an added bonus, we will be pulling in a guest expert for a one game analysis that you just can’t miss! Let’s take a brief moment to introduce ourselves and then get right into the action.

DR. MITCHELL POWERS

We all know how important speed is in the NFL, but it’s also about power. Seeing as Dr. Speed was too busy fulfilling his namesake through pharmaceuticals, they had to go with me instead. I only began enjoying the fine sport of men giving each other concussions during my college years, where I may have done the same with a large amount of Jameson whiskey one night after a particularly bad break-up. It was a rough time. Who could have known my drunken stupor would be re-enacted by Carson Wentz in his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles, nearly a decade later?

RICK DANGER

Welcome to the Danger Zone! And if we can’t use that for legal reasons, then welcome to the Danger Area! I’ve been watching football since that giant robot robot on Fox danced his way into my heart. I mean, I even know his name is Cleatus. I shit you not, look it up on the internet machine. Anyway, I know two things; AC/DC should be played at every funeral and the outcome of most NFL games. I even almost went pro myself but I swung too hard at a mailbox and hit myself in the nuts with a bat. I have what’s called a phantom pain, but I don’t believe in ghosts. Anyway, aside from my hearing loss from listening to things to awesomely, and that Raccoon in my attic that keeps stealing my watches, my life is perfect, as are my predictions.

DONNIE AUSTIN (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)

Whadder youse guys doin!? I’ve been out in the parking lot since 5:00 AM slamming Yuengling Oktoberfest. I got a couple of sixers of the Oktoberfest since I was gonna be on the big show today. Thanks for having me on boys. Been a long week since our big win on Sunday. GO BIRDS. We demolished those dirty bird Falcons. Glad it was an away game though so it puts some more forgettin’ time for the Linc security. My boys and I got thrown out of the Linc again last season for being “too aggressive” to other fans. What? They shoulda’ been ready for the Broad Street Belly Bounce. That’s what I call it when I rush you and slam ya with the belly when the birds get a touchdown. Between that and punchin’ the police horse during the time the Phil’s won the World Series, I got a bad rap with security. Wife has a double shift at the Acme today so I am all yours for these picks’ boys.


RICK’S PICKS

Cleveland Browns @ Houston Texans – 1:00 PM on CBS

           I legally cannot enter Cleveland due to an incident at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, but I won’t hold it against them. The Browns got robbed last week against Patty and the Chiefs, so they will be looking for revenge. Houston picked up a win last week against Jacksonville thanks to Tyrod Taylor, a former Brown himself. Can we take a moment and just recognize that the “Texans” and the “Browns” are arguably two of the worst team names? I don’t think anyone should be proud to be a Texan right now. You know Houston is like a big part of NASA, shouldn’t they be the Astronauts? Dr. Mitch just informed me that there is a team in Houston called the Astros, but I give zero fucks about baseball. At least it will confuse the people of Texas less to have two teams so closely named. I mean were they worried when they named them the Texans that the fans wouldn’t remember what state they were in? Is Pittsburgh called the Pennsylvanians? No. As for Cleveland, they should be the Rockers, after that aforementioned museum that someone is not allowed back at. My pro-choice would be to not take anything from Texas, but I think the Astronauts keep rolling and beat the Rockers in a close one.

PICK: ASTRONAUTS


Los Angeles Chargers @ Dallas Cowboys – 4:25 PM on CBS

The Dodge Chargers, sorry, Los Angeles Chargers make their way down to the state I am all about picking on, and battle the Dallas Cowboys. Last week, the Cowboys suffered the same fate as many other teams before them, a game-winning last minute drive courtesy of the demon that inhabits Tom Brady’s body. They look to bounce back against a 1-0 Chargers team, led by my favorite iced dessert Justin Sherbert, sorry, Herbert*. The Chargers looked sharp against the Washington Lobbyists because I refuse to call them the ‘Football Team.’ You had all offseason, figure your fucking name out. I digress, I think this Cowboys team that has lost a couple key players is looking to prove themselves in a pivotal game. Much to my dismay, it looks like they will take care of the Chargers in a close game, with a last second field goal that sails erratically, knocking loose Gov. Abbott’s wheelchair lock. Will he comically roll down some stairs, flailing his arms like a cartoon villain? Absolutely! Will he survive? Of course, assholes always do. 

PICK: COWBOYS 


POWERS’ PREDICTIONS

Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers – 8:15 PM on ESPN

This team of cheese aficionados are currently sitting at 0-1 after their perfectly trimmed QB had a 32.8 passer rating, which is a higher number than his wife’s age.

“Who are the Green Bay Packers?”

After a guest-hosting stint on the hit trivia game show Jeopardy!, one might have thought that Aaron Rodgers would have learned how to be a better quarterback. Although Jeopardy! is objectively the second-best measure of human intelligence (the foremost being, of course, an enormous apathy toward the band Coldplay), any positive effects on Aaron Rodgers seem to have been lost, aside from notable hair growth. On the other side of the field will be the Detroit Lions, who fell short to the San Francisco 49ers in a near-comeback loss last Sunday. Given the sad state of affairs for both of these teams in their respective opening weeks, I believe the true benefactors here will be the fans who cancel their usual game day get-together typically held on a couch that’s too small in their one-bedroom apartment.

PICK: INTROVERTS


Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons – 4:05 PM on FOX

The outcome of this game should be clear to just about anyone, even the freshest of football fans. Tom Brady, age 44, is still playing as well as any QB in the NFL. The Buccaneers are coming off of a close win against the Dallas Cowboys and are likely to be amped up with confidence. Furthermore, the Atlanta Falcons are not a strong team right now, as evidenced by their pathetic loss to the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday (Jalen Hurts, indeed). If Atlanta can’t figure out how to do more than kick two field goals as they did last week against Philadelphia, their defense is going to have quite a day trying to keep the score manageable with Tom Brady behind center on the other side. There is, however, one wild card with the potential to make a major contribution to the Falcons’ performance in this game: I do not like Tom Brady.

PICK: FALCONS

THE GUEST GUESS

Philadelphia Eagles at San Francisco 49ers – 1:00 PM on Fox

This Sunday, the friggin’ iggles are playin’ the 49ers in Philly. Now I won’t be at the stadium because I’m takin’ the wife and boy down the shore. Weekend after Labor Day is cheap rooms in Wildwood. So, you know I’m gonna be on that balcony with a case of Yuengling, crushin’ and chuckin’ em off the friggin’ railing. They’re glass so it just becomes sand again eventually. No harm no foul. So, the big game, it’s our season. I don’t know much about the 49ers other than they coulda’ called themselves the 69ers and coulda’ become my second favorite team. But basically, the Birds got this jawn in the bag. It’s our year again. When we win the friggin’ Super Bowl, me and the boys are gonna grab some wiz wits, go down to the Linc, and do whippits on the field. Tells you guys what, if we play that Tom Brady guy… Hope that mouth kissin’ good for nothing likes an eye fulla’ double a if you know what I mean.

PICK: EAGLES (GO BIRDS!)


LAST WEEK 

RICKS PICKS: 2 – 0

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 2 – 0

GUEST GUESS: 1-0

OVERALL

RICKS PICKS: 2 – 0

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 2 – 0

GUEST GUESS: 1 – 0


**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.

Categories
sports Television Uncategorized

Not A Football Fan? Here’s Your Starter Guide.

As we FALL into another September, some of us turn to the time-honored tradition of rooting for our local NFL team and having our hearts toyed with up until Super Bowl Sunday. Others find themselves stuck in the precarious situation of indifference, or perhaps, inability to find meaning in these games, and simply ignore them altogether. In situations where you find yourself stuck in front of a TV on a Sunday, plopped next to a family member, significant other, or friend, and find yourself face to face with an NFL game, we are here to help. The following will be a guide from your GateCrashers Football Friendly team of Dr. Mitchell Powers and Rick Danger, where we intend to cover the basics, and help you go from “I need to go” to “Let’s go team!” Furthermore, look for our new weekly series Fast Five Picks with Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger where we will give our predictions for the outcomes of upcoming games, making YOU look like the expert.

The NFL is the National Football League, comprised of 32 teams, which are then split into two major conferences, the American Football Conference (AFC) and the National Football Conference (NFC). To further complicate things, each conference has 4 divisions: North, South, East, and West. All the teams are split, with each team taking 1 of 4 spots in these divisions. Below is a handy infographic to see how everything we just said unfolds:

Dr. Mitch Tip: Most people pick their favorite team based on location, but some people pick their favorite team based on their prowess on the field. It doesn’t matter who you root for, but never buy a football jersey until that player retires.

The NFL plays 17 games (new this year!), with 6 of those games being played within the division. So, say we are the Buffalo Bills, that means we are in the AFC East and will play the Patriots twice, once at home and once away, the Dolphins twice, same deal, and the Jets twice, you get the idea. The rest of the schedule is made up from an algorithm that is really not important, as the real fun lies in these divisional games because they create rivalries and bad blood between the teams. I mean, if you’re Batman, and every night you are fighting the Joker, Two-Face, and the Riddler, but now Calendar Man shows up, I’m sure there is more interest in fighting the other 3 as there is a palpable history. These divisional games are usually circled on team calendars to create a brewing animosity, similar to an 80’s movie montage where the protagonist is training and has the match date crossed out in blood. If your team does well enough and is able to get into the playoffs, that’s when the real fun begins!

Dr. Mitch Tip: When watching the game with friends, make sure to throw in such phrases as : “C’mon!”, “Defense!”, “You got to catch that!”, “Need a stop here!”, and “This dip is really good, what’s the secret?”

The NFL playoffs select the best 14 teams, 7 from the AFC and 7 from the NFC, to determine the final two representatives, 1 from the AFC and 1 from the NFC, which will then face off in the goal of every franchise, the Super Bowl. The first 4 spots go to the division champions from each conference and are seeded 1 through 4 based on their overall record. The final 3 spots are for the 3 teams with the best overall record of all remaining teams in the conference. This process is done for both sides and after three rounds, Wild Card Round, Divisional Round, and Conference Round, the surviving two teams play for the Super Bowl. Making the playoffs for your team is a big deal, as realistically every team has a chance of winning. This has even coined the phrase “On any given Sunday,” as the so-called unbeatable teams have lost in the first rounds before. If you want to talk about Super Bowl upsets, look no further than Tom Brady and the Patriots beating one of the best offensive teams in the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI, and then on the other side of the coin, Eli Manning and the New York Giants beating a ‘perfect’ Tom Brady and the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII. That is what makes the game so special, the team can show up looking akin to a god-like Doctor Doom, only to be dispatched by a spunky Squirrel Girl. Now it’s time to get into the important details of the actual game itself!

Dr. Mitch Tip: Some people say “Defense wins Championships!”, while I reply, “There is no such thing as too much chili.”

Your team is made up of 55 players, but only 48 can be active and ready to play on game day. The three most important people on the sidelines are our Head Coach, Offensive Coordinator, and Defensive Coordinator. Their roles are similar to their titles, the Head Coach is in charge of the full team and the final decision maker, the offense coordinator focuses on the offense and the defensive coordinator focuses on the defense. Let’s run through the Offense:

Quarterback (QB): Runs the offense on the field, can throw the ball, run the ball, or hand it off

Running Back (RB): Receives the ball from the QB and carries it up the field

Wide Receiver (WR): Catches the ball from QB and carries it up the field

Tight End (TE): Can assist in blocking the opposing team from getting to the QB, but also catches the ball from the QB and carries it up the field

Full Back (FB): Usually bigger and bulkier than a running back, receives the ball from the QB and carries it up the field

Center (C): In front of QB and ‘snaps’ it back to the QB while also protecting the QB from getting hit

Right Guard (RG): Protects the QB from getting hit and also allows the RB to move up the field

Left Guard (LG): Protects the QB from getting hit and also allows the RB to move up the field

Right Tackle (RT): Protects the ‘Blind Side’ of left-handed QBs as they cannot see someone about to hit them from behind

Left Tackle (LT): Protects the ‘Blind Side’ of right-handed QBs as they cannot see someone about to hit them from behind

Kicker (K): They attempt field goals usually from 50 yards and less. They also kick the ball off to the opposing team after touchdowns, at the beginning of the game, and at half-time.

Punter (P): If the offense does not move the ball 10 yards after 3 attempts AND they are too far away to try a field goal, on the 4th attempt the punter will punt the ball away to the opposing team.

Dr. Mitch Tip: The Offensive Line is made up of the Center, Guards, and Tackles. They tend to be some of the highest paid players as they protect the Quarterback. I’ve said an offensive line or two in my day!

Let’s run through the defense:

Linebacker (LB): They can be Middle (MLB) or Outside (OLB) depending on where they line up, but they tend to be the “QBs” of the defense. They are in charge of reading the offense and guessing what play they are trying to run. They can help the defensive lineman or they can drop into coverage and try to stop receivers from catching the ball.

Defensive Tackle (DT): Try and break through the offensive line to get to the Quarterback.

Defensive End (DE): Try and break through the offensive line to get to the Quarterback. They tend to be leaner and faster than DTs as they run around the edge to get to the QB.

Cornerback (CB): They line up with the Wide Receivers and attempt to intercept the ball or prevent the WR from catching the ball.

Safeties (S): They can be Strong (SS) or Free (FS) depending on where they line up but they are in charge of preventing long passes from being caught or can be brought up to the line to help attack the quarterback.

Dr. Mitch Tip: If you bring a piece of your own fence to the game, you can use it as a sign of support for the defense!

Are you still with us? I know it’s a lot to take in, like trying to watch the entirety of the MCU so that the things that are coming up make sense, we get it. However, you know the players, you know why they play, now we get to the important part, the Endgame if you will; the actual game. An NFL game is 60 minutes, four 15-minute quarters, with a halftime of 15 minutes in-between the 2nd and 3rd quarter. The teams meet at mid-field and flip a coin with the winning team determining who will receive the ball and the losing team picking the side they play on. The actual idea of the game is straight forward: be the team with the most points when the game is over. The offense marches down the field to score a touchdown for 6 points and then the kicker kicks an extra point for 1 point, or they march down the field and the kicker kicks a field goal for 3 points. The defenses’ sole purpose is stop any of that from happening. The offense is given 4 downs to move the ball 10 yards, once they are past that 10 yards, it repeats until they score a touchdown or field goal. If they are unable to do so, they punt the ball away to the opposing team, who then attempts the same deal.

Here are some common things you may hear:

Sack: A defensive player has tackled the quarterback behind the line of possession. So, if the ball was on the 45-yard line and the QB has the ball snapped to them, and they are now holding the ball on the 40-yard line, a defenseman tackles them to the ground they are sacked! You will hear them say they lost 5 yards (45-yard line minus 40-yard line is 5 yards) and now the ball is placed at that spot and the next down is played.

Interception: A defensive player has caught a ball thrown by the QB that was intended for another player on the offense. The opposite team’s offense now has the ball and begins their attempt to move down the field.

Holding: This is a penalty where a player has prevented another player from doing something by gripping them, players can push and shove, but cannot hold.

False Start: When a player on the offense moves before the ball is snapped.

Pass Interference: This one is a tough one, a player on offense or defense, uses their body to prevent another player from catching a ball. Most of these calls are bullshit.

Red Zone: When the offense is within 20 yards of the goal line, the plays that can be called are limited as you do not have a lot of field to work with or use.

Fair Catch: When the ball is punted and the return team is trying to catch the ball that has been kicked by the punter, they will waive their arm in the air for a fair catch to prevent themselves from getting hit. This is typically done when the punting team is about to tackle them.

End Zone: This is the part of the football field that is colored in and the ball must cross to count as a touchdown.

Safety: This does not happen too often, but when the offense is backed up to their side of the field, and the QB is sacked in their own End Zone, the opposite team gets 2 points and the offense must kick the ball away.

2-Minute Warning: Two Minutes before the end of the 2nd quarter and the end of the 4th quarter, play is stopped and this acts as an unofficial time out for both teams.

Hail Mary: When a team is losing with little to no time left, the QB sends all of his receivers downfield in am attempt to score a game winning touchdown. They have little chance at success, BUT when they do succeed, it is a lasting memory.

Dr. Mitch Tip: I used to tell my grandma she was ‘Holding’ when she hugged me longer than 10 seconds.

If you have made it this far, throw that ring into Mount Doom and wait for Eagles of Manwë to carry you home because this is Intro to Football. The rest can be learned along the way by either watching games, or perhaps playing them on a video game console. We will be the first to tell you that any die-hard fan LOVES to explain the game to beginners, it’s actually quite refreshing. So, pick your team, find your people, sit back, and enjoy the upcoming season! Don’t forget to be on the lookout for Fast Five Picks with Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger, only on GateCrashers.