Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 17

Dr. Mitch and Rick are back with a new format for this week’s matchups. With the help of their special guest, their intern Bill, this trio will select their own ‘Games of the Week’ to dissect for your reading pleasure. Get ready as these Fast Five picks are down to a Tremendous Three.

Welcome to the penultimate week of NFL action! Before we begin, the team here at GateCrashers would like to offer their condolences to the Madden family over the loss of a true icon, John Madden. His warmth and personality in the commentary booth was evident during every game he called. Both Dr. Mitch and Rick both claim that their understanding and love of the game of football is in large part to his Madden NFL series of video games. Thank you to John for bringing the greatest game on turf to every TV possible. Now, let’s talk playoffs. With the Chiefs being the only team in the AFC with a clinched playoff spot, this is going to be one dramatic finish! As for the NFC, the 49ers and the Eagles are looking secure the 6th and 7th spot and punch their tickets for postseason action. It’s going to be one wild finish, and with more on that we go to Dr. Mitch, Rick, and everybody’s favorite intern, Bill!


When folks ask me what my favorite video game is, I might answer differently depending on the day. I might say The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, or I might say The Last of Us, or I might say Metroid: Dread if I’m feeling a bit of recency bias. But at the end of the day, there’s a good chance I’ve logged more time on Madden 2020 than any game I’ve ever played. It’s a damn shame that EA doesn’t seem to care as much about this franchise as its fans do, but nonetheless, I will miss John Madden for bringing football down to a level such that it can be played by a man who’s five-foot-seven and 165 pounds without fear of dying behind center at the hands of Aaron Donald or Fletcher Cox. Bill’s giving me an angry look right now. I’m not sure why. I’M PROUD OF MY BODY, BILL. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!


John Madden, you will truly be missed. I still have my Madden 2005 sitting in my PS2, ready to be fired up whenever I’m feeling blue. Your voice will be as unforgettable as you. Well, before the tears start coming, let’s take a look at this weekend. As you can see, some of these games are essentially just fights for a better draft pick, so we chose to focus on the real battles that remain. Interestingly enough, every guest we reached out to was unavailable due to the skyrocketing Covid case counts (get vaxxed fuckers), so we were left with Bill. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with the guy, he just…exists. Don’t get me wrong, he’s great when it comes to coffee or lunch, but he has the personality of a glass of milk. He also may have become radicalized, talking about making a living wage, and how he is essentially doing free labor. I know we call him an intern, but he makes $22/hour and gets full benefits. Okay, Mitch may have thrown coffee at him ONE TIME, but we all make mistakes. I wanted to hire Gritty.


FINALLY, I HAVE A VOICE. Too long have I been left to the wayside with these two incompetent fools! Guess what ‘Doctor’ Mitch, you are not as smart as you think. I saw you try and microwave tin foil last week, and then try and play it off like someone else left it in there. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO MICROWAVES CABBAGE. Oh, and Rick, you son of a bitch, you are definitely not as cool as you think. Most of your Spotify is Taylor Swift Deep Cuts and I have access to your recent google searches. ‘How to make friends’, ‘How to look cool on a motorcycle’, and ‘What’s a badass name for a ferret’. You. Are. A. LOSER. I’m so done with this job and being treated like a second-class citizen by the two of you. I’m going to branch out on my own and dominate the weekly NFL picks. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you, the revolution has begun, so get your own fucking coffee.


Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers, Jan 2nd 8:05PM ET

We all know the feeling that our team has towards Aaron Rodgers. Look back on any of our past issues if you need a refresher, but frankly, we are not a fan. I mean, even Santa put him on the naughty list last week so you know that means something. Our differences aside, it looks like Rodgers could possibly lead the Packers to home-field advantage throughout, and a win against the Vikings is the missing piece. The Vikings will do everything in their power to stop that, not just for the sake of their division rivalry, but also to try and secure their own playoff spot as well. They are playing in Lambeau and the weather is calling for single digits, so all signs are pointing to the Packers. I think Aaron pulls this one through and puts the nail in the coffin of the Vikings playoff hopes. Great Quarterback, still an idiot.


Pictured above: A mustachioed moron.


Arizona Cardinals @ Dallas Cowboys, Jan 2nd 4:25PM ET

Coming into this game, The Arizona Cardinals are on a losing streak and the Dallas Cowboys are on a four-game win streak, with a recent resounding victory over the Washington Whatcha-ma-callits. If there’s one thing I hope you, the dear reader, has learned about me in these last 17 weeks, it’s that I’m never afraid to call the unpopular pick. And while you might think all signs point to a Dallas win in this game, I think their victory over Washington is going to give them a false sense of security going into this game. The Cards will play aggressive in a bid to end their losing streak, and come out on top, even if it’s only a slight victory. I’m thinking this game goes something like 34-28.


Kyler Murray summoning the strength to defeat Dallas.


Cleveland Browns @ Pittsburgh Steelers, Jan 3rd 8:15PM ET

Both of these teams need an absolute miracle to find their way into the playoffs, but this game is about something more, BAD BLOOD. This game is going to be an absolute dog-fight, and who better to win that then the Dawg Pound! The Browns are finally getting back most of their starters on defense, and I think the Steelers are just trying to limp into the offseason and figure out where they need to go from there. Also, you never know which Big Ben will show up, the two-time Super Bowl winning QB or the rapist. Go with Cleveland and leave Shitsburgh out of the conversation.







RICKS PICKS: 19 – 11



**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.

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