It’s Week 7 and the Arizona Cardinals now find themselves 6-0, putting that undefeated streak to the test this Sunday against the Houston Texans. The Dallas Cowboys continue you widen their lead over the rest of the NFC East Division, while control of the AFC West and AFC North is tough competition. This past week, we received word from Endor that their Chieftain was a big fan of the NFL and wanted to contribute their own thoughts for this week. We happily accepted and cannot wait to see what Tuok has to say! Our staff-linguists carefully and diligently translated the transmissions, and we have provided a literal translation, and an approximal interpretation. To all of our local and galactic followers, we hope you enjoy this week’s predictions!
DR. MITCHELL POWERS
There has been an awakening. Have you felt it? I’m talking about the gamma waves emanating from my brain last week when I made two perfect picks. I told you I would be fighting back last week, and I wasn’t lying. Who’s the “smooth brain pickle pundit” now, Bill, huh? Go get me a cup of coffee so I can take a victory sip! How good it feels to get that weight off my shoulders. Because honestly folks, once you’re at the top, you never come down, am I right? Isn’t that how it works? No more mistaken predictions here, no sirree, lights out performance moving forward! (What the… no, Siri, lights on! I wasn’t talking to you. What do you mean, something went wrong? My lord, what does the Apple software team do all day?) Uh… hey Rick, why don’t you let us know how your week went?
Overtime. That mythical place where everything changes, and the rules are thrown out, like wrestling another dad in a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit over stolen tickets. I found myself on the winning end, and losing end of two OT contests, so I come away unfulfilled. Like when the dad you are wrestling in the ball pit has a heart attack so the EMTs call it a draw and everyone wants to know where you got all the beer from because they don’t serve there. I don’t care if he’s my brother-in-law or not, that fucker took my jackpot winnings from the Super Spin. He better hope that pig heart makes him live forever. Anyway, this week Uncle Rick will get back into winning shape as I scoured the upcoming battles for two sure thing contests. Oh yeah, we got a letter from a space panda, big fan of Chieftain Chirpa, but our new buddy sounds cool too. Apparently, the NFL Sunday Ticket makes it that far out. They are a big fan of Dr. Powers on Endor, as for Uncle Rick, not so much. We’ll settle this on whatever the Endor version is of a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit.
CHIEFTAIN TUOK (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)
Goopa. Meechoo Allayloo Bok chuu-ock Shetai. Geetch thuck, aahrgutcha thuck, chesl thuck ando ota kna naa. X’iutha treekthin, reh rehluu Nah-chin, E s’eesht graks. Chak, yupyup, yehan. Siz lulalar siz manna manna siz gleeg gleeg na goo fektur.
(Which directly translates to)
Hi. I celebrate far away warrior. Push rock, Pull Rock, fetch rock forward to Spirit tree. Important journey, dance tribe, Kill monster. Yes, Rejoice, Peace. Fire, Sing, Fire, Food, Fire, Drink, Drink, Stop, Medicine.
(Which loosely means)
Hi. I celebrate your football teams. They throw the ball, run the ball, catch the ball towards the goal post. They make a touchdown and dance as a team. Defeat their opponent, game is over, everyone shakes hands as friends. We party eat and sing, and then drink till we need medicine.
Kansas City Chiefs @ Tennessee Titans – October 24th 1:00PM ET
From Super Bowl contenders to whatever the hell they are now, the Kansas City Chiefs are looking like a mid-level team. Patty Mahomes is not showing any signs of his former flashy self, and I am beginning to suspect that defenses are starting to get wise to all of the tricks up his sleeve. Of their past 6 games, they have given up 30 or more points 4 times, going 1-3 in those contests. Now, they picked on a hapless Washington Football team last week, which I’m sure was a confidence boost, but the Titans are looking to slap the lollipop out of their mouth this week. Look for Derrick Henry to get a lot of touches, and expect a decent amount of his time being spent in the End zone. The Chiefs will need to stop Henry early if they want any chance, but I don’t think there will be any obstructions for the DH Line, making stops behind the OL and ending service with a TD dance.
New York Jets @ New England Patriots – October 24th 1:00PM ET
The Air Force is nothing like Top Gun. There is way more volleyball and everyone wants to be called Maverick. The Jets travel up to visit the Pats in the battle of accents we want to stop hearing. Zach Wilson is currently sitting on 4 TDs to 9 INTs, while his more northern counterpart Mac Jones, has an equally impressive 7 TDs to 6 INTS. Combined, we are looking at an 11:15 ratio, which means they would be throwing 1.37 INTs for every TD. Now, I’m not a math person, but that doesn’t sound good, like when the doctor has news for you but refuses to say anything over the phone. This one looks like a toss-up, so I’m going with Mac Jones and the Patriots because who gives a shit. If that upsets Zach Wilson, he can throw a football at me, but chances are someone will pick it off.
Indianapolis Colts @ San Francisco 49ers – October 24th 8:20PM ET
Call me superstitious in the month of October, but I still find it difficult to have faith that Carson Wentz will make it through any given game without getting injured. It’s not even that I would call him “Mr. Glass” as some have, because I don’t actually believe all of his injuries are the fault of being injury-prone. It feels more like the universe is out to get him sometimes, as if Carson Wentz is simply the “bad luck Brian” of the NFL. Considering that San Francisco quarterback and man-who-looks-like-a-mediocre-soap-opera-star Jimmy Garoppolo is likely to be back in the mix, I think the Colts could be in for another heartbreakingly close loss in this game. Additionally, the 49ers have a home losing streak to break this season, so I have to imagine they’ll be bringing as much energy as they can to make that happen. Third time’s the charm, right?
Seattle Seahawks @ New Orleans Saints – October 25th 8:15PM ET
As far as injuries go, the Saints are currently rising up toward the heavens and the Seahawks are taking a real nose dive. The Saints’ quarterback play seems uniquely fitted against the Seahawks poor secondary play this year. On the offensive side of the ball for the Seahawks, it’ll be difficult to run the ball against New Orleans, who have been third-best in the NFL against the run this season. So what’s Seattle left with, the passing game? Yeah, there might be an issue there, seeing as Russell Wilson is still out on IR. And with the Saints defending so well against the run, it only means they’ll be more capable of dropping back some extra pass coverage against a backup QB. Seattle’s only hope might be that it rains so much they’re able to simply slide back the members of the d-line on the mud and get some reasonable running yardage.
THE GUEST GUESS
Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens – October 24th 1:00PM ET
Bengals Na-chin Kra. Ravens Na-chin Kra. Paamuk Shetai Lamar Jackson Bingee Na-chin. Bengals den azar na goo veek Lamar Jackson. Ne gata thuck? Lamar jackson coatee-cha reh rehluu Kna Naa. Ee chee wa maa Bengals Na-chin lurd. Lamar Jackson graks shetai rueenee Bengals. Nuv Oodef gleeg White Claw. Ni gata White Claw? Chesl Etke White Claw, Chak. Teeha.
(Which directly translates to)
Bengals tribe ready. Ravens tribe ready. Power Warrior Lamar Jackson guide tribe. Bengals no magic stop quick Lamar Jackson. Where is rock? Lamar Jackson celebrate dance spirit tree. Wow Bengals tribe silly. Lamar Jackson monster warrior ruins Bengals. Love sweet drink White Claw. Where is White Claw? Bring more White Claw, yes? Thank you!
(Which loosely means)
Both the Bengals and Ravens are ready to play. Lamar Jackson is the leader and quarterback of the Ravens. The Bengals do not have what it takes to stop Lamar Jackson. Lamar Jackson will have the Bengals defense guessing all day, and when they go looking for him, he’ll already be dancing in the end zone. This is a game the Bengals cannot win and are foolish for trying. Lamar Jackson will win this game and put a hurting on the Bengals. Big fan of White Claws. I think I’m out of White Claws. Can you send me some? Thanks bro.
RICKS PICKS: 1 – 1
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 2 – 0
GUEST GUESS: 1 – 0
RICKS PICKS: 7 – 5
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 7 – 5
GUEST GUESS: 3 – 3