Looks like we made it after all as we slide into Week 18 of NFL action. Some teams have their bags packed and ready for the playoffs, while others are looking ahead to the golf course and downtime. The final two postseason spots in the AFC and the lone postseason spot in the NFC are up for grabs this weekend! Since September, Rick and Dr. Mitch have put in long hours to ensure that they could deliver the most accurate predictions available on the World Wide Web. However, Rick and Dr. Mitch are feeling the loss of their intern Bill, who apparently kept the lights on, literally and figuratively, as he was the only one who knew the passcode for the bill payments to the electric company. To move forward and celebrate, they invited back their favorite PBR connoisseur Donnie Austin, who also just happens to be one of the most diehard Eagle fans around. This is sure to be a formula for a literary masterpiece.
DR. MITCHELL POWERS
Shit… goddamn….. shit. FUCK. GOD DAMMIT. WHERE IS MY MUG?! I swear that sniveling twerp took it. It’s the only thing my whiskey tastes good in, placebo effect be damned. The kid gets a mug with hot coffee thrown at him one time and he thinks he owns it. Well you know what, Bill? Maybe you shouldn’t put your SHIT “instant” coffee in my whiskey mug! Maybe, JUST MAYBE, YOU CAN TAKE THAT MUG AND INSTANTLY SHOVE THE BROAD SIDE OF IT RIGHT UP YOUR— Oh, here it is.
Hi there, folks. Did you have a good weekend? It’s been snowing a bit more in this neck of the woods, and boy do I enjoy a nice winter wonderland now and again. Hope your family’s been well. Let’s talk football!
RICK DANGER
I hate to be a Dickens here, but Bill is dead (to us), to begin with. Not even sure if he told Dr. M where he is off to because he damn sure did not tell me. Walked in this morning to find that our power was off. Fixed that. There was no coffee waiting for me. Had to DoorDash some. A family of raccoons apparently had some sort of orgy in my office because he left this sex scent for them that essentially makes them hornier than high-schoolers. Their was high-pitched screeching and fur everywhere when I opened the door. The pest control guy just told me to let them tire themselves out, so I waited, and we humanely escorted them out of the building and they were dropped off in a nearby forest. So, rather than sit in what smells like Caligula’s bedroom, I am now sequestered to sit in our maintenance closet, using a bucket as a seat. Mitch would not let me share his office because of Covid, and apparently I am very distracting. So, Bill, I know you are reading this you fuck, enjoy whatever it is you are doing. We miss you, but also, fuck off.
DONNIE AUSTIN (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)
Wassup yuse guys, it’s Donnie Austin back for another 0ne of these pick fives. How bout instead of picking 5, you pick up dietz nuts? Dietz and Watson, your deli guys favorite meat that you can’t beat. First paid ad baby. They don’t know they’re sponsoring me for this but they is. Okay so birds this week, playing them cowgirls. Shit, sorry, I’m sorry. That’s not okay anymore. My oldest son, Tucker, told me it was sexist to say that and being a cowgirl is not an insult. It’s 2022 and Donnie is trying to be political correct. Tucker works doing Tik taks, little dances and stuff in the basement. He went to a liberal arts college. I don’t really understand him but doing my best. Pops always gives him trouble. Sorry we all can’t be Tony “Pop-Pop” Gameday. Sorry, let’s pick some fucking games boys.
RICK’S PICKS
New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons – Jan 9th 4:25PM ET
The Saints need this win combined with a 49ers loss and they are in the playoffs. The Falcons could be the foil here as there is certain animosity between these two divisional rivals. The Saints will need to call in some miracles to secure victory, but I think they get the job done. The real question is, will the 49ers fall to the Rams to give the Saints a playoff spot, well, you are going to have to ask Dr. Mitch about that.
PICK: SAINTS
Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars – Jan 9th 1:00PM ET
Well we start with Saints and now we move on to Ginger Jesus. The Colts are rolling into this game needing a win, while the Jaguars have absolutely nothing to play for, except perhaps their dignity. The insane thing is that the Jaguars have absolutely smoked the Colts in their last 5 matchups, including being their lone win of the 2020/2021 season. Could this spell the end for our red headed savior? I think not. Colts win and roll into the playoffs.
PICK: COLTS
POWERS’ PREDICTIONS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens – Jan 9th 1:00PM ET
If you’ve been a regular reader of ours, you know we make our voices heard when we don’t like someone, and choose our picks concordantly.
BEN ROETHLISBERGER IS A SEXUAL ASSAULTER.
PICK: RAVENS
San Francisco 49ers @ Los Angeles Rams – Jan 9th 4:25PM ET
George Kittle is calling this game a potential “bodybag” game. As someone with a questionable (yet lucrative) side business, my understanding of this designation can differ wildly based on the context. In this instance, I think Kittle just means there’s a large injury potential. A friend of mine, a lady of the night, if you will, took this in a different context as well, though. Perhaps Kittle is planning to pull a “Tonya Harding” on one of the Rams defensive backs? I suppose we’ll know by Sunday, so keep your eye on the injured reserve list. Either way, the Rams have a lot of dignity to fight for in this game, so you never know how this one could go down. I expect the Rams to pull out a nitty-gritty win on this one.
PICK: RAMS
THE GUEST GUESS
It’s our year. The friggin iggles baby. We are going to crush the cowboys, thats all I gotta say on that. What I wanna tell you about is what I am going to do after watching the game and eating some of Pops friggin meat balls. Remember, I can’t go to the Linc because those commies have me on a banned list. So I’m gonna start the night at Ray’s Happy Birthday Bar. You can still smoke in there which means they are the only place in Philadelphia that celebrates the freedom that Ben Frank and Rocky Balboa fought for when they signed the declaration in 1942 in Philly. So after a pack of cowboy killers and as many city wides as they’ll serve me, I am gonna stumble over to Garage. Buy a couple of cans of Pabst (they won an award for best beer) and throw them at the tourists eating at Pat’s and Geno’s. Teach them what Philly is all about.
Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles – Jan 8th 8:15PM ET
PICK: GO BIRDS!
LAST WEEK
RICKS PICKS: 1 – 0
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 1 – 0
GUEST GUESS: 0 – 1
OVERALL
RICKS PICKS: 20 – 11
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 16 – 14
GUEST GUESS: 7 – 8
**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.