This week is a very special edition of Fast Five, as it is simply Fast Three, for we will only be covering the Thanksgiving Day games, and then will return back to our original format next week. NFL action on that special Thursday in November brings out some classic memories as generations are forced together to share meals and more during the day. Dr. Mitch and Rick would like to thank their readers for their continued support, and wish them all a very safe and drama-free Thanksgiving. Unfortunately for Rick, Dinah Danger is joining him and she is one tough cookie. A legend in the Green Bay community for not only being part of the original squad of Packers Cheerleaders, but for also designing the uniforms out of excess potato sacks. This woman has babysat Vince Lombardi’s children, put Jim Taylor’s arm back in place, made soup for Reggie White, and open hand smacked Aaron Rodgers after hearing of his unvaxxed status. Here is to that one member in the family who makes every holiday a memorable one.
DR. MITCHELL POWERS
[In hushed tones]
No, you listen here you little cretin, I will not be belittled like that the next time I’m in the middle of making a sale. I’m a doctor, for Christ’s sake. Who the hell are you? A line cook at a Buffalo Wild Wings? What on Earth do you think gave you the right to try to punch up on Enzo during our negotiation in North Jersey? Oh, what’s that? Oh, you’ve got agita? Yeah, well good luck tellin’ that to Enzo’s goons when they’re stomping your canines three inches into the curb. – What’s that Bill? We’ve got company? Okay, hold on, hold on! – AND DON’T COME CRYIN’ WITH A BUSTED LIP TO HEAR ME SAY I TOLD YOU SO! [CLICK]
Hey… well hey there! Welcome folks! Looks like I nailed both of my picks last week, shoot, at least something is going right for me this week. I believe my “picks partner” Rick has some good news in this area as well, isn’t that right, Rick?
2-0! Just when some were beginning to doubt the Danger system, I pull out the perfect weekend. Listen, you can send as much hate mail as you want, but you know that Uncle Rick will always treat you right. Before I go further, let me address the fact that my grandmother will be staying with me for the holiday and then will go back to her retirement community in Florida. She is from a different time, and a very different place, I mean every time she sees me she tells me to either shave my beard / cut my hair / stop looking so ugly. I love my Gammy Dinah, but she also terrifies me. I’ve seen her make a Drill Instructor cry. She once made the bank give her money back after a transaction, and after refusing it from the teller, she made the manager go into his own wallet and give it to her. She is the special kind of scary that takes a magic book and an incantation to finally put to rest. Even worse, she keeps asking where she can get a nice slab of hog, but she’s not talking about BBQ… I’m shuddering.
GRANDMA DINAH DANGER (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)
Isn’t my grandson something special! We were all so worried he was going to end up living under a bridge, or perhaps smuggling goods across the border, but he turned out better than any of us could’ve imagined. Now listen here, before you start thinking that this old bird doesn’t know a thing or two about football, you basement dwelling jackasses got another thing coming. I was a Packerette from 1950 – 1958, and I remember when football actually meant something, not just a bunch of boys playing grab ass in the locker room, but real men going to WAR. Speaking of wars, I put divots in planes during WWII and sold war bonds outside my father’s hardware store until I couldn’t stand anymore. That was back when we knew what was good for us, and to sit down and shut up. Got my blood pressure all over the place, let me grab my meds and a Werther’s original, and get back to talking football.
Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions – Nov 25th 12:30PM ET
Watching Detroit every year on Thanksgiving is almost as miserable as the time spent with the people at the aforementioned holiday dinner. Now, I am all for tradition, but perhaps Detroit needs to let this one go as there are so many more interesting places to host. I for one would like the Eagles to host for two simple reasons. One, I believe that cold weather games are best played outdoors. Two, most of the fans knowing they had off the day after would drink themselves into oblivion and make for a much for fascinating spectacle. Also, rather than flip a coin, the two teams should pull the wishbone and base the kickoff positioning on that result. Regardless, Chicago goes in there and takes care of business. Welp, if you excuse me, my gammy wants to know how to install Hinge on her phone.
Buffalo Bills @ New Orleans Saints – Nov 25th 8:20PM ET
On the gridiron, a confidence-building game can mean everything for a team. It can turn around a season, crystallize a middling team’s chances at a solid playoff run, or even come in the form of the Philadelphia Eagles putting up 40 points and 242 rushing yards against the best run defense in the NFL. So in the case of the Saints, I think I’d call that a confidence-destroying game. Between that crushing blow, plus the additional injuries the Saints have taken on, I think they run a real risk of giving this one away to Josh Allen’s Bills. And if the Saints do decide to throw Taysom Hill into the mix, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has to regain some footing and momentum.
One other thing: Josh Allen has a 100% hit rate on Thanksgiving Day NFL games.
THE GUEST GUESS
Las Vegas Raiders @ Dallas Cowboys – Nov 25th 4:30PM ET
From the days of Eddie LeBaron and Don Meredith to Roger Staubach and Craig Morton, I think these Cowboys need to revisit their history or they are doomed to repeat it. Having not been to the NFC Championship in 26 years, it is time for them to put up or shut up. Tired of this belly-aching over injuries and the difficulty of the schedule, I mean, I remember breaking my ankle after doing a back-flip during my routine and still standing out there in the -10F temperatures. Soft, SOFT I tell you! Always liked those rascals in the silver and black, so dangerous, so rough, just willing to go out there and lay their lives on the line to pick up a fumble. Looks like it’s a good think my grandson set me up on this dating app. Grandma’s getting wild tonight.
RICKS PICKS: 2 – 0
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 2 – 0
GUEST GUESS: 1 – 0
RICKS PICKS: 13 – 7
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 12 – 8
GUEST GUESS: 4 – 6
**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.