Week 12 has come and gone with division leader changes and races heating up. As the number of games continue to dwindle, teams are beginning to make their playoff push in hopes of the ultimate prize, the Super Bowl! The Packers and the Bucs in the NFC look to be solid locks, while the Cowboys and Cardinals are still trying to widen their leads as we head into this weekend. The AFC is another story as all 4 divisions look to be up for grabs! Tom Brady, known idiot Aaron Rodgers, and Josh Allen seem to be the leading candidates for the coveted MVP spot, but there is plenty of football left for a clear winner to show themselves. Dr. Mitch and Rick are excited for the upcoming matchups, and with little Paddington in tow, can’t wait to share all their football knowledge with you!
DR. MITCHELL POWERS
Sometimes it’s good to get away from it all, disconnect, and get some perspective. In that vein, Thanksgiving was a solid recharge this year, and a wonderful reminder of the important things—the people you love matter more than your job. Being a patient listener with your children goes a long way. Shutting down the meth lab to hang out with a talking bear is worth it. The point is, we all have a tendency to get caught up in the chaos of life throughout the year, and the holidays are a time of reframing. So with that in mind, let’s get ready to dig into this week’s picks with the help of my “picks partner” Rick!
RICK DANGER
Greetings my fellow football fanatics, Uncle Rick is back, and even if I had to buy new pants, Thanksgiving sure treated me nicely! Now, of course I got my Booster a few weeks back, so I felt safe seeing some family for Turkey Day, but this new Transformer of a variant has got me shaking again. Like a stripper on an extra greasy pole, I feel like every time I’m lifted, I get knocked on my ass again. At this point, I would much rather we just fast forward to the Zombie apocalypse because at least then I know that my survival is based on what I do for myself, not relying on the stupidity of other people. Nevertheless, my spirits have been lifted with our little English friend joining us. Well, technically our Peruvian friend, but he sounds English, so we will go with that. You really forget how much you enjoy tea until a 4-foot tall walking/talking bear hands it to you. Apparently, he’s a friend of Dr. Mitch, which doesn’t surprise me because he literally knows everyone. Pretty sure I saw Carly Rae Jepsen in his office a couple weeks ago, but, don’t ask me, I’ll never tell.
PADDINGTON (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)
I suppose that means it’s my turn for an introduction. My name is Paddington Brown, and while I’m not sure a bear from London will have much expertise to offer when deciding who will win an American football game, I can certainly give it a go. The National Football League seems to have an interest in bringing American football to London, so I should probably begin learning as soon as possible. I wonder if the Browns would like to attend an American football game, though I think Mrs. Bird would enjoy being a part of the crowd. I’ll be sure to bring some marmalade sandwiches if we do attend, because American football games seem to be very long.
RICK’S PICKS
Indianapolis Colts @ Houston Texans – Dec 5th 1:00PM ET
I imagine that Carson Wentz is similar to Hulk Hogan. He says his prayers, takes his vitamins, oils his ginger body to the hue of a hot dog, and goes out to try his best on the football field. Hell, maybe this week he’ll rip his uniform in two as a touchdown celebration. All I do know is that the Texans are in a downward spiral and the Colts are poised to sneak into an AFC playoff spot. Maybe Wentz can channel that inner Hulkamania and get the job done this weekend.
PICK: COLTS
Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers – Dec 5th 4:25PM ET
I have made my personal opinion about Big Ben known multiple times over the course of writing this series. It’s one of the reasons I tend to shy away from Steelers games, as I would rather just pretend the man does not exist. So, for the sake of my mental health, I will leave it at this: the Ravens better kick the shit out of his rapey-ass.
PICK: RAVENS
POWERS’ PREDICTIONS
Washington Football Team @ Las Vegas Raiders – Dec 5th 4:05PM ET
The Raiders have seen their fair share of ups and downs… and downs this year. That said, this game has the potential to cause some pretty drastic shifts in the playoff picture, and after a close win over the Cowboys, I don’t see the Raiders bowing down to a lesser NFC East team. Not to mention the fact that this is a home game, and with playoffs in the balance, Las Vegas could really be rocking on Sunday. As of writing this, I also just realized that I can’t remember who’s currently playing quarterback for the Washington Football Team… so that can’t be a good sign for them either.
PICK: RAIDERS
Denver Broncos @ Kansas City Chiefs – Dec 5th 8:20PM ET
The Denver Broncos will be entering Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday with an 11-loss losing streak against the Chiefs at home. A losing streak like that one and the potential for a divisional lead are exactly the kind of fuel that can lead to an upset. If the Broncos can figure out how to force some turnovers from Mahomes and play tight coverage on Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce (turnovers, tight coverage—chicken or the egg: take your pick which comes first) then maybe—just maybe—Denver has a shot at turning the tide here. So I think there might be a new sheriff in town… and he’s riding in on a big, strong Bronco.
Just to be clear, not a Ford Bronco. I mean a horse. It’s a team name pun. Okay I should really stop explaining myself…
PICK: BRONCOS
THE GUEST GUESS
Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Jets – Dec 5th 1:00PM ET
Things are always happening to the Philadelphia Eagles. They’re that sort of football team. Last week the Eagles had a difficult time when they played against the New York Giants, and now it seems they might have to end their football season earlier than they wanted to. After the game I saw a photograph of their left tackle, a man named Jordan, who looked very upset. I do hope he’s okay. The city of Philadelphia seems to be filled with people who care very much for their football team, even if sometimes they have a different way of showing it. And even though the Eagles lost their game last week, Mr. Sirianni seems to be a very pleasant man whose players enjoy playing for him. He reminds me of another lovely fellow named Ted who coaches an English football club in Southwest London, who lately has been very successful. I’m sure if Mr. Sirianni continues to be kind and polite with his football team like Ted, they’ll have a better week coming up. Aunt Lucy said: “If we are kind and polite, the world will be right.”
PICK: EAGLES
LAST WEEK
RICKS PICKS: 1 – 0
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 1 – 0
GUEST GUESS: 1 – 0
OVERALL
RICKS PICKS: 14 – 7
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 13 – 8
GUEST GUESS: 5 – 6
**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.