Ready, Refreshed, and Roaring for some NFL action, here comes Fast Five Picks with Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger! There were some stunning revelations last week, on and off the football field, with many fans wondering what’s next for their teams. The gang is ready to investigate the upcoming matches and see what advice they can dig up for your reading pleasure. In a bizarre turn of events, we are joined by Staten Island’s own, Laszlo Cravensworth. You may recognize him from the current documentary “What We Do In The Shadows”. Get ready for a ghoulishly fun read!
DR. MITCHELL POWERS
So, where were we? Talking about the current state of NBA basketball in Philadelphia? What’s that, Bill? This is a Football column? Oh, thank the maker. If I have to hear one more discussion on sports talk radio about Ben Simmons, I swear I’m going to write a treatment of all that damn drama into a Gossip Girl revival. To be honest, we’ll have to see how the old brain engine gets going on this week’s picks. I chose a hell of a week to quit caffeine. Might just have to use a little bit of the Central American space dust to get back on my A-game. Alright Rick, I’m going to make some space on this here coffee table and I’ll be back with everyone in just a few. Take it away!
After a nice ‘bye’ week, it’s good to be back at the office and ready to work. I left a donut here, so I chanced it and ate it, we’ll see how that turns out. Anyway, Uncle Rick may have over done it this past weekend, partying with Lazlo and all, so I’m feeling a bit drained. Not drained as in my blood was stolen by a creature of the night, but rather I’m tired as shit for staying up past 2am. Part of the fault lies with Dr. Mitch, he’s a root beer guy, so I was the one downing the drinks people were sending over. Did not realize we were that popular, and honestly did not expect this to make it past Week 2, but here we are writing a column with a vampire. It’s okay, I rallied this morning by stealing a cop’s hat and outrunning him. Nothing makes me feel more alive, and now I have a souvenir too! I originally was going to go hard into Aaron Rodgers, but I feel like he’s getting enough said about him, and I don’t have much more to add. Sometimes kicking the fool does not permit the satisfaction that teaching a fool does. But, he is a dumb motherfucker.
LAZLO CRAVENSWORTH (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)
Greetings Chaps and Chapesses. My roommate Colin Robinson recently showed me this internet thing and that you can google stuff like breasts, and wang, and coitus. He may be a boring fuck that saps my life, but that old boy knows his stuff. Well, I was on the lash last weekend and had to see a man about a dog and ended up bumping into Mr. Danger and Dr. Powers. A couple of dishy fellows if I may say so, and after realizing they weren’t taking the piss, I agreed to do a write up about American football. Now, I’m all for a good fuck-about, but let me just say that my ass was a bit chapped after that Superb Owl incident at Sean’s house where we didn’t even get to see that fucking bird. Either Way, Sean and I watch the Jets play from time to time, lots of physical scraps between these gents. Let me tell you, one game was quite close and got my willy stiffer then this 16th century chambermaid I used to toss about with who we would call Turdy because she smelt like shit. She grew up with cows and could milk me like a prized steer, until one day the leprosy hit bad and she was armless, and therefore useless. Couldn’t really hang out with a bird who can’t carry my collection of hats. Look at me, giving you a paddy-noddy like Gizmo when he’s fucking about, but anyway, hold on to your tits.
Carolina Panthers @ Arizona Cardinals – November 14th 4:05PM ET
The donut has made a hard turn in my body and is rocketing through my intestines, but I am a professional and I will get through this. The Cardinals, oh jesus, they uh, they’re a good team. What Carolina needs to do is STABBING pains. Oh god, oh god, I’m not ready for this. The closest bathroom is upstairs after they locked ours because of some Tik Toks. Anyway Cardinals by a hot fire, it’s leaking. Cardinals, Take the CARDINALS.
Cleveland Browns @ New England Patriots – November 14th 1:00PM ET
Well, I used the shower in our editor-in-chief’s office and it was glorious. I mean, luckily I have spare clothing in my gym bag because that outfit was a double-bagger after that episode. Nevertheless, Mac Jones and the Patriots do what I did to the browns I just faced earlier. Scream in agony early on, but eventually, flush them down and be victorious!
Seattle Seahawks @ Green Bay Packers – November 14th 4:25PM ET
If you’re reading an article like this, then there’s a good chance you’ve already heard the big news from this week. That’s right, folks, Chris Carson has returned to practice for the Seahawks! If Chris does play in Sunday’s game, he could have a significant influence in the… Okay, I can’t do it. I have to address it. Seriously, Aaron Rodgers? You know, it’s one thing to be a conservative talk show host, spouting all day long how anti-vaccine you are, and at least have the courage (see dictionary definition: stupidity) to speak all that bullshit on-air and then die like the chances of Sega ever making a serious video game console again. But it takes another level of cowardice and willful ignorance to insinuate your vaccination status, begin taking your medical advice from Joe Rogan (a human-sized big toe with a fungal infection if there ever was one), and then start taking ivermectin. I mean, jeez, I wouldn’t even give that stuff to my clients, and you should see some of the shit we cook up down in the lab.
Okay, so I know this is supposed to be an NFL picks column. Here’s what I’ll give you: If Aaron Rodgers can pull his head out of his ass long enough that he doesn’t need to have his wife make not-so-subtle comments about the size of his feet, or consume horse dewormer to try to convince the world he’s hung like one (newsflash, man-children of the world: penetrative sex isn’t always the endgame), then maybe, just maybe the Packers will have a chance on Sunday. But I have a feeling Rodgers will be too busy dealing with the muscle pain and diarrhea side effects to play a competent game, if he’s even able to play at all.
Aaron, in case the mention of ivermectin helps this article to pop up in your online “research”, and you’re reading this: People look up to you. Go get vaccinated, you dumb. shit.
Kansas City Chiefs @ Las Vegas Raiders – November 14th 8:20PM ET
Man, I’m really feeling hyped up right now after that rant, is that normal? Haven’t done that space dust in a while… Can’t really remember why I’m here, I just know I’m feeling e n e r g i z e d . Bill, come here. Feel my pulse. No, I know I’m supposed to make a pick, just… get over here, dammit. What am I supposed to pick between? The Raiders or the Chiefs? I don’t know, Bill, my brain’s a little too criss-cross-applesauce right now to think about picks. I feel like I need to go for a run, FAST. Like, Tyreek Hill FAST. Man, is Tyreek Hill fast. You think Tyreek Hill ever does the Central American space dust like me, Bill? That could explain a lot of his behavior. Yeah. Tyreek Hill is fast. Let’s go with speed! It’s all about speed, baby! SPEEEEEED!!
THE GUEST GUESS
Buffalo Bills @ New York Jets – November 14th 1:00PM ET
(Our team walked in on Lazlo at our guest desk) Ah yes, you disturbed me during a watching of something quite exquisite and extremely erotic, it’s called “The Vampire Orgy of 1946 semicolon The war is over, let’s fuck.” (We explained that the deadline for the article was today) What’s that? I have to talk about the game. (Yes, the Jets game) But, what was that last part all about then? (That was your intro, this is your prediction) My what? (Prediction, who will win the game) The fucking Jets of course. Now fuck off and let me wank in peace. There’s a brilliant part coming up where my friend Roger gives my other friend Gary the Berlin Plunger, while I give this lass Ramona the Bloody Mary. (Ok, we will close the door) I don’t give a fuck what you do, stay and play or fuck off.
RICKS PICKS: 1 – 1
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 1 – 1
GUEST GUESS: 0 – 1
RICKS PICKS: 10 – 6
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 9 – 7
GUEST GUESS: 3 – 5
**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.
**SECOND DISCLAIMER** Get Vaccinated!