Week 4 has come and gone, but don’t fret, Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger are back to cover all the Week 5 NFL action. We are down to one undefeated team, and many more vying for control of their division as the season moves on. This week, the boys are joined by Dr. Scout Baker, a Professor of History, and all-around Football connoisseur. These predictions are can’t miss, so read on and spread the word of the GC experts!
DR. MITCHELL POWERS
There comes a time in most young people’s lives when the illusion of a simplistic, binary world is suddenly shattered, like King Kong tossing a Ford F-250 Super Duty through the all-glass doors of a 1990s Commerce Bank. Maybe it’s a once-in-a-generation world event (note: “once” may also mean “several” for anyone under the age of 40,) or perhaps it’s something as small as a friend’s parents’ divorce that wakes you up to the complex and unexpected aspects of life. The point is, I was living comfortably in the aforementioned metaphorical Commerce Bank until this past weekend, when two historically mediocre New York football teams both won against their respective opponents: the Saints and the Titans. Look, I’m a pretty humble guy. Even I can admit when I’m out of my depth and I make a bad call, even if it does lead to our LA-based distribution center being repossessed by those damn pencil-pushers in the FBI (Side note: Rico, if you’re reading this, you’ll get your product. I just need a bit more time.) But my missing calls on both of those games? It’s why we can’t have nice things. I need to move on to thinking about the games coming this weekend. Between losing all that co…-ca cola, and missing the calls on those games, I’m simply too disgusted to have any other input on the topic.
Another week under wraps and good ole’ Uncle Rick escapes with a split on his games. To me, a split is like a tie, and you’re thinking of the wrong football if you’re okay with a tie. I’ve now been informed by my assistant Bill that there is such a thing as a tie in the NFL. Normally I would say Bill’s an idiot, but he has a PhD, which means pretty huge diploma, and I’ve seen it hanging on the wall, so there must be something up there in that noggin. As for my picks, the Bears came out looking like, well, bears. As for the lions, they came out looking like a tabby after two cans of fancy feast. Well, guess what lions: you don’t deserve fancy feast, you’re getting cans of ‘Unwanted #2 Small Animal Rations,’ which legally cannot contain the words food or cat on their label! Looking over to the Colts game, the duct tape must have worked because Carson Wentz led them to victory over the dolphins. The well-balanced offense moved the ball efficiently, while their defense took care of the rest. I’m sure Carson can take a big sigh of relief for two reasons. One, the elephant tranquilizers being infused into his ankles are starting to kick in. Two, it’s not time to call in Nick Foles to replace him…yet.
DR. SCOUT BAKER (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)
Thank y’all so much Dr. Powers and Mr. Danger for having me here today. For readers who don’t know me, you can call me Dr. Scout Baker; and yes, I did say Dr. I worked my butt off for those three letters at the end of my name. I’m glad I was able to take a quick break from grading papers. The Russian Revolution of 1917; riveting stuff might I say. The rise of Communism brought with it a cold winter and a shadow of Hammer and Sickle to cast out the tyranny of Czarism. But that is decades old history, let’s get to talking about more recent events in the National League of Football.
Chicago Bears @ Las Vegas Raiders – October 10th 4:05PM ET
The Deep Dish Dough Boys travel to sin city to taking on the Raiders and an entire strip worth of slots and table games. It must be wild as a player to travel there and not visit a sports book to place a wager on the game. Now, Uncle Rick is treading into some illegal waters here, but if I found out that I could turn $10 into $10,000 by placing a prop bet where our kicker needs to run in a touchdown, you’re damn right that scrawny fuck is jumping the goal line with the ball in his hands. Anyways, the Raiders are looking to bounce back after a loss to their division rivals, the bolt boys, and the Bears are trying to cement their position as a legitimate team. My gut is telling me to go with Justin Fields and Chicago, but I think that’s just my IBS acting up. Raiders and the fountain show at the Bellagio will confound the Bears into a loss. As for a trip to Vegas, it can be done in two days, one to find the person, and the second to bury the body.
Cleveland Browns @ Los Angeles Chargers – October 10th 4:05PM ET
Cleveland will be visiting the town so nice; its literal translation is Whale’s Vagina. Look, that reference is dated, but I still am using HitClips to listen to my favorite Sugar Ray songs 1 minute at a time. Moving on, the Browns and the Chargers find themselves in the battle of the “3-1’s,” with both teams trying to break away from the pack in their respected divisions. Justin Herbert is leading the charge for the, um, Chargers, and is definitely making a name for himself. Not sure what the name is yet, but it’ll be a good one, like Zorbo or Blumpky. As for Baker Mayfield and the Browns, their consistent offense and dominant defense have been the key to their success. Goddammit, I left my keys in my truck, and this is after the dealers tried to swindle me with that spare key bullshit. Maybe I’ll just take the top off and make it a convertible. Anyway, I think the Chargers, like me, will blow the roof off this thing. Browns will put up a fight, but eventually, they’ll get flushed down the drain.
New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys – October 10th 4:25PM ET
Dak Prescott is the only quarterback from the 2016 draft class still playing for the same organization that drafted him. Jared Goff was traded, Carson Wentz was benched (then traded) and Jacoby Brissett is… a person? (What’s that, Bill? Brissett’s playing for… the what?….. the Doll Skins? What a creepy name for a…. OH, the Dolphins? You’re pulling my leg, right? Who the hell would name a football team after DOLPHINS, Bill? What? No, I will not calm down! YOU CALM DOWN!! You’re not the only one with a PhD, you know!) The point I’m getting at here is that the debate on “best QB from the 2016 draft class” is about as settled as day-old steak. I’m not a Cowboys fan, but coming off injury as well as an emotional year off the field, I have to give Dak Prescott a significant hat tip for the state of his play. And divisional game be damned, I don’t see New York winning a second week in a row, much less against the Cowboys’ offense. Maybe the Giants manage to keep it a low-scoring affair, but I think the Cowboys pull out a ‘W’ in this one.
Green Bay Packers @ Cincinnati Bengals – October 10th 1:00PM ET
There was a significant period within the last few years when I honestly forgot the Bengals existed. I don’t harbor any ill will toward the team, but they had simply been profoundly mediocre for a stretch of time. Take a look at the Bengals this season, however, and they’re a decidedly different team thus far. Joe Burrow has apparently been using “Jeopardy-like” review sessions to practice reading defenses, so he’s clearly been studying the enemy. It doesn’t even matter that Aaron Rodgers isn’t on the defensive side of the field. It’s a power move. It’s Joe Burrow sending a clear message to Aaron Rodgers that he’s not afraid of a former Jeopardy-host-turned-NFL-quarterback, and he knows that Aaron Rodgers doesn’t like playing in Cincinnati. Not to mention, I haven’t even brought up Rasul Douglas yet, who was recently signed to Green Bay in the cornerback position. If Douglas does see snaps this Sunday, Philadelphia fans will know the answer all too well.
“Rasul Douglas getting burned on deep routes and consistently committing penalties can be described by this commonly-used insurance term.”
“What is liability?”
THE GUEST GUESS
Philadelphia Eagles @ Carolina Panthers – October 10th 1:00PM ET
So this week y’all have asked for my personal predictions on the upcoming game, pitting together the Carolina Panthers against those Philadelphia Eagles; and might I just say for this game, there is NO question as to what will be the final result. The crowd won’t be learning to spell like on Sesame Street, but instead they are going to be singing SWEET CAROLINE…BUM BUM BUMMMM!!!!!! Judging by the Eagles current standings with 1-2 and Jalen Hurts playing like he is, one might call him a little bird who’s had his wings clipped and is unable to fly. Now when it comes to the Panthers, there is only room for one QUEEN of the Animal Kingdom. Sam Darnold is going to lead his team like General Patton and conquer those little birds this coming Sunday. Everyone better look up because that sky is CAROLINA BLUE BABAY!
RICKS PICKS: 1 – 1
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 0 – 2
GUEST GUESS: 1 – 0
RICKS PICKS: 5 – 3
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 4 – 4
GUEST GUESS: 2 – 2
**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.
Catch up with Dr. Mitch & Rick’s previous picks here:
Not A Football Fan? Here’s Your Starter Guide
Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 2
Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 3
Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 4