Another week of NFL action is in the books and Fast Five Picks is back with your friends Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger! Every week these two football wizards cover 5 NFL games and share their winning predictions. Week 3 provided some moments of awe and suspense, and when the dust settled, we still have some teams sitting undefeated. A Monday night blowout capped off this weekend of excitement, and our pundits are ready to look back into their crystal balls for more inside looks into the coming week. As is the case every week, we have sought the advice of a guest expert, and with knowledge spanning to the days of the ‘Steel Curtain,’ please welcome Rusty “Nails” McGillicutty.
DR. MITCHELL POWERS
The Bills absolutely destroyed Washington. There’s probably a joke somewhere in there about the Federal Reserve, but I think Washington is going through enough this week as it is, so I’ll try not to hurt their feelings too much. Then again, the representatives in Washington have about as much in the way of feelings as the penny has in value. Which is to say, they’re completely worthless and are just getting in the way of making real progress. But enough about the children, what about the Chiefs and Chargers? It turns out the Chargers creating a chilling atmosphere for Patrick Mahomes, who chucked a pair of cheeseballs to the opposing chaps. You know what they say, it’s a challenge to win a game when you lose the churnover battle, and… oh no. It’s chappening again… And itch worse! Rick! Take over, won’tcha?
It looks like the boys from New England were too busy choosing between adding too many syllables to words, or eating wicked grinders made in Southie, to watch their minutemen get turned into 6-second-men courtesy of the Saints. Mac Jones was left stumbling like a freshman coming out of Shay’s on their way back to ‘Hah-vid.’ Geographical jokes aside, the Saints looked sharper than my cousin when he wears that bright orange suit that brings out that one tooth that looks like it was dipped in Sunkist. As for the Latter-Day-Saint himself, Zach Wilson, AS I PREDICTED, he threw 2 interceptions and 0 touchdowns, bringing his INT total to 7! I guess Zach forgot that the Garden of Eden for friends of Joseph was in Missouri, not in Denver, where the Broncos shot the Jets down faster than, you guessed it, Joseph Smith’s disciples. That joke lands better if you know your Mormon history, and it doesn’t land at all if you’re a New York Jet. As my mama used to say, it’s a new week, change your underwear! So, here we go with the picks!
RUSTY “NAILS” MCGILLICUTTY (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)
Hey, Doc. Hey, RD. Long time listener, first time caller. I tell ya fellas, I hardly recognize this game anymore. Back in the glory days, all the action was between the tackles, right? The linemen were made of iron and guts. You get a concussion, you snot rocket that baby out your nose and go back to work. You established the run. You could hit a guy in the mouth. Power sweeps. Fullback dives. Tear up your fancy Astroturf and get out your lunch pail, we’re playing on the asphalt and concrete. Now they don’t even have any fullbacks. Just a couple Polish schmoes running routes out of the backfield. These days, everyone wants to throw the ball to the prima donnas and draw a pass interference. Shoot – back in my day we had a different name for pass interference: we called it defense! Now they’re telling me last weekend’s big stories were a couple of game-winning field goals. Some opera singer sets a new record for longest field goal. Boy, if there’s anybody I hate to see taking over this game less than diva wide receivers and quarterbacks, it’s kickers. Right? I mean they don’t call it “foot” ball, am I right guys?
Indianapolis Colts @ Miami Dolphins – October 3rd 1:00PM ET
The 0-3 Colts meet the 1-2 Dolphins in a battle to reshape their seasons before it becomes a lost cause, like expecting to work out after eating at Cinnabon. For the Colts, Carson Wentz has decided to continue shattering his ankles beyond repair and will take the starting nod under center. At some point this season the lower half of his body will be mostly duct tape, which I find admirable, but until we evolve into the ‘Iron-Man’ era of lower-body modifications, perhaps he should sit down. Wait, can he sit down? Maybe just put him on a pile of used game towels or something. As we flip over to the Dolphins, who are facing their own set of injuries, they will be putting Jacoby Brissett out there, replacing the greatest named Quarterback of all-time, Tua Tagovailoa. Actually, I take that back, the best QB name I have ever seen is David ‘Windmill” Spinner. His arm was never put back into the socket correctly, so we called him ‘Windmill,” and we all just expected him to play like that kid from the movie Rookie of The Year, but that did not happen at all. He was an awful QB, but that name was great. He spins those ‘Cash for Gold’ signs now by the Wawa off of Exit 13. What was I talking about? Oh right, yeah, a battered Wentz against Brissett the back-up, enjoy the yawn-fest and take the Colts in a much-needed victory. They are going to have to take Wentz to a horse hospital if he gets injured after this one.
Detroit Lions @ Chicago Bears – October 3rd 1:00PM ET
Lions (and Tigers) and Bears, OH MY! Where is your God now Detroit? He fucked off to L.A. and has never looked back. Your Ex has moved on and their Instagram is nothing but pictures of them smiling with their new partner. It’s okay, scream into your rage pillow, you deserve it. Listen, Jared Goff is doing his best, and I’m sure he wishes he was back in L.A. too, I mean no offense, but going from there to Detroit is definitely shock. I remember when my camper was towed and ended up next to the river, and I have never owned beach-front property before, so it just took time getting used to things. Listen, Uncle Rick is here to tell you that this week, Goff will right the ship. Justin Fields got his head knocked around by the Browns and I don’t think he’ll be coming into this game 100%. Nobody likes going into Soldier Field, but I think these Lions are less ‘cowardly’ and rather are ready to pounce. So Detroit, get a haircut, get on the treadmill, and get back out there because it’s never too late to start something new. Goff will get used to Detroit-style, trust me. Maybe one day there will be a statue of him holding hands with Robocop?
Tennessee Titans @ New York Jets – October 3rd 1:00PM ET
Jets may be fast, but the Titans absolutely have the momentum coming into this one. Any win streak feels good, so even a small two-win streak coming off of a loss to open the season must feel great for Tennessee. Streaking, or the platonic ideal of streaking, that is, feels even better. There’s nothing quite as liberating in this world… but I’m getting off topic. I don’t believe the Jets will be leaving any streaks in the sky on Sunday, as the Titans will likely stand tall and roundhouse kick the Jets into another dimension. Ignore the fine print at the bottom of this article (or don’t). That’s not my opinion. It’s a fact. Ryan Tannehill may not have his full arsenal at the ready on Sunday, but as long as they’ve got Derrick Henry in that backfield, the Jets are running on borrowed time before another piece of pop culture throws in a joke about just how bad they’ve been. As Shakespeare once rhymed so beautifully, “0 and 3 is a bad place to be. 0 and 4? The Jets’ season is done with.”
New York Giants @ New Orleans Saints – October 3rd 1:00PM ET
This game has a lot in common with the upcoming Titans/Jets affair. An 0-3 team going up against a team that’s sitting at 2-1 with a running back who can most certainly cause trouble. Those details aside, there are some differences which I think make for an important distinction and could affect the outcome of the game. The Giants haven’t lost all of their games to as wide a margin as the Jets. They haven’t been shutout like the Jets (yet). They haven’t had some soul-crushing loss to the Philadelphia Eagles this season (yet). Daniel Jones proved last season that he can run just as fast as Lamar Jackson if he eats his Wheaties, even if in the final steps he looks like a drunken child running to the living room because OH MY GOD, THE BATMAN CARTOON IS ON!!!!! And to top it all off, the Saints aren’t coming into this game with the same two-win streak the Titans will take into their game against the Jets. I suppose what I’m trying to get at here, if it wasn’t already obvious, I mean, if you hadn’t already figured it out yet, because seriously, you REALLY should have figured it out by now, is, well…
The Saints are winning this game. Come on, you didn’t really think I’d give this one to the Giants, did you?
THE GUEST GUESS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Green Bay Packers – October 3rd 4:25PM ET
These two franchises get my blood moving, boys. My daddy was a meat packer and my other daddy was a steelworker. They weren’t a couple or nothin’ – they just had an arm-wrestling contest at a bar and I popped out. Coach Lombardi’s Packers made this game what it is, er, what it was, (What year is it?) and Pittsburgh is a blue collar town that loves to win tough. I know their coach Mike Tomlin likes that too, but then fellas, why are the 1-2 Steelers ranked third in the league in passing attempts and second to last in rushing attempts? I’ll tell you their other problem too – their offensive line has more holes than my favorite boxers. It’s like I keep telling you, you gotta win at the line of scrimmage. After a gritty upset over the Buffalo Bills in the opener, their steel is melting like Arnold at the end of T2. I gotta say I’ve got mixed feelings about the Packers. How is some scruffy little stringbean from SoCal who wants to be the host of Jeopardy going to lead real men into battle – tell me that, huh? And then he starts talking about leaving his Packers, the organization that drafted him, benched him, cheered for him, and wasted most of the best years of his career through complacent management!? There used to be something called loyalty. Brett Favre would never have walked away from the Pack for some big city! Or some division rival! Or broadcasting! Who does Rodgers think he is? But at the same time, when he came back from vacation late, sulked around, and took the first week of the season to work off his hangover before turning it on, I gotta admit, I saw a little of myself in the man.
RICKS PICKS: 1 – 1
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 1 – 1
GUEST GUESS: 0 – 1
RICKS PICKS: 4 – 2
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 4 – 2
GUEST GUESS: 1 – 2
**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.