Welcome back to Fast Five Picks with Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger! Each week we will cover 5 upcoming NFL games and give you our predicted outcome for each match-up. What a wild Week 2 we experienced, with some teams winning, and some teams losing. There were some blowouts, close-games, and some scores that just made sense. We look to our experts to see what they predict for the coming week, and what reflections they have from all the past action. As an added bonus, we will be pulling in a guest expert for a one game analysis that you just can’t miss! So, this week, please welcome the living legend himself, Tony ‘Pop-Pop’ Gameday.
DR. MITCHELL POWERS
And we’re back! What an interesting week of football. Interesting how, you ask? I’m honestly not sure, I was busy all weekend meeting some clients in an abandoned warehouse just outside of LA. There’s nothing quite like the rush of the FBI’s Raiders breaking down the door with Rams to collect unmarked Bills, am I right? Any given Sunday, but I digress. Let’s take a gander at last week’s picks! Although the Packers bested the Lions in a 35-17 victory, I read some article about players swapping jerseys on the field. Given that the introverts mentioned in last week’s picks would have been disgusted by this social behavior and were surely not in attendance, I’m chalking up last week’s pick in this area to a win. In other news, the Buccaneers put on quite the offensive show against the Falcons. I consider the true loser of this game to be myself, as it means I’ll have to continue to hear “alpha male” fans of Tom Brady attempt to rationalize their moderate homo-eroticism toward the quarterback through the lens of “toughness,” “high football IQ,” or some other bullshit metric instead of doing us all a favor and coming to terms with the natural fluidity of human sexual orientation.
You have entered the Danger Zone! (Bill, let me know if we secured the rights to this because I am not calling my segment the Danger Area. I don’t care how many times you tell me it’s cool. You wear socks with sandals, how can I trust your fucking opinion!) Looks like the Rockers took care of the Astronauts, sorry, the Browns beat the Texans, so I missed on that call. To be fair, seeing anything from Texas lose brought a smile to my face, like digging out a Snickers that got caught in the space next to your driver’s seat. Sometimes its melted, but that don’t mean its not good, it’s just aged like wine. Anyway, Fuck Texas. Speaking of that dumpster fire of a state, looks like the Cowboys took care of the Chargers. Called that one at least! It came down to the wire and the Chargers were on the losing end of a bad call. I was on the losing end of one of those as well; she took the dog, but I still have trash bags filled with all her wigs. Anyway, expect more of the same this week from your old pal Rick Danger, but if you see a St. Bernard that answers to the name ‘Steve McQueen,’ give me a holler.
TONY ‘POP-POP’ GAMEDAY (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)
Hey, boys, thanks for having me this week. I brought a pot of meatballs and sauce with some Amoroso’s rolls, so don’t be shy. There’s about a hundred meatballs in there (best in all of Delco) so it might just be enough for the 3 of us. I’ll make another batch for Monday night’s game. You know Monday night football used to be a big deal? Remember that? It meant something. I don’t even know who the announcers are. I asked my grandkid Tucker to look it up for me while he’s messing around with that clock program on his phone where people dance or talk while they watch people dance? I don’t know. Kid couldn’t be bothered. I love all my grandkids, I do, but that freaking kid sucks. He’s 28 and says he’s trying to be an influencer. I’d like to “influence” him to get up off his ass and get a freaking job. You know? Where was I? Oh yeah, Monday Night Football. What the hell happened with that?
New Orleans Saints at New England Patriots – September 26th at 1:00 PM ET
Finally, we get to see the yearly matchup of Brees and Brady. It’s games like these that, ugh, shit. Well, I guess we have moved onto the next era of great Quarterback duels, so let’s give it up for Mac Jones and Jameis Winston! Doesn’t have the same ring, and probably won’t for some time considering they are missing 8 of them (Brady:7, Brees:1). Well, after throwing absolute fireballs his first game against the Packers, Winston turned around and dropped a big stinky turd the following week against the Panthers. Mac Jones on the other hand, loses a nail-biter to the Dolphins and then comes out strong against the Jets. Even if he is named after a character from Mike Tyson’s Punchout, I think Mac Jones has the advantage here. The Saints will travel up to New England, watch as the leaves turn to gold and red, and then get pummeled by the Patriots. They’ll stay for the Dunkin’, then get DunkedOn’.
New York Jets at Denver Broncos – September 26th 4:05PM ET
Like a child who forgot to erase their browsing history, I think the Jets are going to be grounded this week. Now, I’m not fully committed to this 2 – 0 Broncos team either, but the Jets are looking ‘plane’ miserable. I think I saw Zach Wilson looking for his secret Mormon underwear during the 4th quarter last week so he could re-enroll at Brigham Young University. 4 interceptions last week, and I think Zach threw another one while I was writing out this sentence. With the Broncos sending out Teddy Bridgewater, a very underrated name for a Jazz Singer, catch him stretching the field and airing out the ball all day. If Zach Wilson throws more touchdowns than interceptions this weekend, you can find my full apology here the following week. However, if reality sets in and what should happen does happen, you will find a photoshopped picture of Zach Wilson riding a JET back to BYU next week! Denver BIG against New York.
Washington Football Team @ Buffalo Bills – September 26th at 1:00 PM ET
One of these teams is coming off of an absolute blowout victory. I’ll give you a hint: it’s the football team that actually has a name. The other team is coming off of a narrow win in a division match-up. Given this information, along with the fact that 99.9998% of the U.S. population can’t name Washington’s quarterback from memory (that number is empirical), I’m expecting Washington to have a difficult time with this game. The Bills haven’t lost to Washington at home since 1987, and I believe they’ll hold that record for the time being. If not, it’ll most likely be because Josh Allen watched too many Carson Wentz training videos over the summer.
Los Angeles Chargers @ Kansas City Chiefs – September 26th at 1:00 PM ET
This game consists of two teams coming off of Week 1 wins and Week 2 losses: Chargers! Chiefs! Choosing the champion of this early season chapter won’t be a cheap better’s game. Check yourself before you change the channel on this challenge to move the chains and take charge of the scoreboard! Watch for the ball to get chucked downfield, where receivers will “say cheese” in the end zone after chasing down a touchdown pass and chide their opponents for choking like chumps. So choose the best chair, and chow down on some fried chicken, a charred steak, or chips with chunky salsa as you cheer and pound your chest for the Chargers or the Chiefs.
PICK: That was a lot of alliteration. How long was I out for? Let’s go with CHIEFS
THE GUEST GUESS
Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys – September 27th at 8:15 PM ET
You asked my thoughts on the Eagles/Dallas game. Here they are: Dallas SUCKS. Always and forever. May Jesus himself come down and make my meatballs dry and my sauce sour if I’m lying. That said, it doesn’t get much better than this rivalry. Both teams are sitting at one and one after Dallas beat the Chargers and the Birds lost to the 49ers. The Eagles offense struggled last week throughout, but the real problem was the freaking penalties, especially during key plays. Eagles would have hands down won that game if not for the freaking penalties. Monday night though, after the new coach, not Doug, what’s his name, gives the boys the business, we’ll see less penalties, more guys getting open, and an Eagles victory. Cue all my grandkids singing FLY EAGLES FLY after a 27-10 victory. Oh, and DALLAS SUCKS. How are those meatballs? Best meatballs in Delaware County, right? GO BIRDS!
RICKS PICKS: 1 – 1
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 1 – 1
GUEST GUESS: 0 – 1
RICKS PICKS: 3 – 1
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 3 – 1
GUEST GUESS: 1 – 1
**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.