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Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Week 13

Week 12 has come and gone with division leader changes and races heating up. As the number of games continue to dwindle, teams are beginning to make their playoff push in hopes of the ultimate prize, the Super Bowl! The Packers and the Bucs in the NFC look to be solid locks, while the Cowboys and Cardinals are still trying to widen their leads as we head into this weekend. The AFC is another story as all 4 divisions look to be up for grabs! Tom Brady, known idiot Aaron Rodgers, and Josh Allen seem to be the leading candidates for the coveted MVP spot, but there is plenty of football left for a clear winner to show themselves. Dr. Mitch and Rick are excited for the upcoming matchups, and with little Paddington in tow, can’t wait to share all their football knowledge with you!

DR. MITCHELL POWERS

Sometimes it’s good to get away from it all, disconnect, and get some perspective. In that vein, Thanksgiving was a solid recharge this year, and a wonderful reminder of the important things—the people you love matter more than your job. Being a patient listener with your children goes a long way. Shutting down the meth lab to hang out with a talking bear is worth it. The point is, we all have a tendency to get caught up in the chaos of life throughout the year, and the holidays are a time of reframing. So with that in mind, let’s get ready to dig into this week’s picks with the help of my “picks partner” Rick!

RICK DANGER

Greetings my fellow football fanatics, Uncle Rick is back, and even if I had to buy new pants, Thanksgiving sure treated me nicely! Now, of course I got my Booster a few weeks back, so I felt safe seeing some family for Turkey Day, but this new Transformer of a variant has got me shaking again. Like a stripper on an extra greasy pole, I feel like every time I’m lifted, I get knocked on my ass again. At this point, I would much rather we just fast forward to the Zombie apocalypse because at least then I know that my survival is based on what I do for myself, not relying on the stupidity of other people. Nevertheless, my spirits have been lifted with our little English friend joining us. Well, technically our Peruvian friend, but he sounds English, so we will go with that. You really forget how much you enjoy tea until a 4-foot tall walking/talking bear hands it to you. Apparently, he’s a friend of Dr. Mitch, which doesn’t surprise me because he literally knows everyone. Pretty sure I saw Carly Rae Jepsen in his office a couple weeks ago, but, don’t ask me, I’ll never tell.

PADDINGTON (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)

I suppose that means it’s my turn for an introduction. My name is Paddington Brown, and while I’m not sure a bear from London will have much expertise to offer when deciding who will win an American football game, I can certainly give it a go. The National Football League seems to have an interest in bringing American football to London, so I should probably begin learning as soon as possible. I wonder if the Browns would like to attend an American football game, though I think Mrs. Bird would enjoy being a part of the crowd. I’ll be sure to bring some marmalade sandwiches if we do attend, because American football games seem to be very long.


RICK’S PICKS

Indianapolis Colts @ Houston Texans – Dec 5th 1:00PM ET

I imagine that Carson Wentz is similar to Hulk Hogan. He says his prayers, takes his vitamins, oils his ginger body to the hue of a hot dog, and goes out to try his best on the football field. Hell, maybe this week he’ll rip his uniform in two as a touchdown celebration. All I do know is that the Texans are in a downward spiral and the Colts are poised to sneak into an AFC playoff spot. Maybe Wentz can channel that inner Hulkamania and get the job done this weekend.

PICK: COLTS

Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers – Dec 5th 4:25PM ET

I have made my personal opinion about Big Ben known multiple times over the course of writing this series. It’s one of the reasons I tend to shy away from Steelers games, as I would rather just pretend the man does not exist. So, for the sake of my mental health, I will leave it at this: the Ravens better kick the shit out of his rapey-ass.

PICK: RAVENS

POWERS’ PREDICTIONS

Washington Football Team @ Las Vegas Raiders – Dec 5th 4:05PM ET

The Raiders have seen their fair share of ups and downs… and downs this year. That said, this game has the potential to cause some pretty drastic shifts in the playoff picture, and after a close win over the Cowboys, I don’t see the Raiders bowing down to a lesser NFC East team. Not to mention the fact that this is a home game, and with playoffs in the balance, Las Vegas could really be rocking on Sunday. As of writing this, I also just realized that I can’t remember who’s currently playing quarterback for the Washington Football Team… so that can’t be a good sign for them either.

PICK: RAIDERS

Denver Broncos @ Kansas City Chiefs – Dec 5th 8:20PM ET

The Denver Broncos will be entering Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday with an 11-loss losing streak against the Chiefs at home. A losing streak like that one and the potential for a divisional lead are exactly the kind of fuel that can lead to an upset. If the Broncos can figure out how to force some turnovers from Mahomes and play tight coverage on Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce (turnovers, tight coverage—chicken or the egg: take your pick which comes first) then maybe—just maybe—Denver has a shot at turning the tide here. So I think there might be a new sheriff in town… and he’s riding in on a big, strong Bronco.

Just to be clear, not a Ford Bronco. I mean a horse. It’s a team name pun. Okay I should really stop explaining myself…

PICK: BRONCOS

THE GUEST GUESS

Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Jets – Dec 5th 1:00PM ET

Things are always happening to the Philadelphia Eagles. They’re that sort of football team. Last week the Eagles had a difficult time when they played against the New York Giants, and now it seems they might have to end their football season earlier than they wanted to. After the game I saw a photograph of their left tackle, a man named Jordan, who looked very upset. I do hope he’s okay. The city of Philadelphia seems to be filled with people who care very much for their football team, even if sometimes they have a different way of showing it. And even though the Eagles lost their game last week, Mr. Sirianni seems to be a very pleasant man whose players enjoy playing for him. He reminds me of another lovely fellow named Ted who coaches an English football club in Southwest London, who lately has been very successful. I’m sure if Mr. Sirianni continues to be kind and polite with his football team like Ted, they’ll have a better week coming up. Aunt Lucy said: “If we are kind and polite, the world will be right.”

PICK: EAGLES


LAST WEEK 

RICKS PICKS: 1 – 0

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 1 – 0

GUEST GUESS: 1 – 0

OVERALL

RICKS PICKS: 14 – 7

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 13 – 8

GUEST GUESS: 5 – 6

**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.

Categories
sports

Fast Five Picks From the GC Experts for NFL Thanksgiving Day

This week is a very special edition of Fast Five, as it is simply Fast Three, for we will only be covering the Thanksgiving Day games, and then will return back to our original format next week. NFL action on that special Thursday in November brings out some classic memories as generations are forced together to share meals and more during the day. Dr. Mitch and Rick would like to thank their readers for their continued support, and wish them all a very safe and drama-free Thanksgiving. Unfortunately for Rick, Dinah Danger is joining him and she is one tough cookie. A legend in the Green Bay community for not only being part of the original squad of Packers Cheerleaders, but for also designing the uniforms out of excess potato sacks.  This woman has babysat Vince Lombardi’s children, put Jim Taylor’s arm back in place, made soup for Reggie White, and open hand smacked Aaron Rodgers after hearing of his unvaxxed status. Here is to that one member in the family who makes every holiday a memorable one.

DR. MITCHELL POWERS

[In hushed tones]

No, you listen here you little cretin, I will not be belittled like that the next time I’m in the middle of making a sale. I’m a doctor, for Christ’s sake. Who the hell are you? A line cook at a Buffalo Wild Wings? What on Earth do you think gave you the right to try to punch up on Enzo during our negotiation in North Jersey? Oh, what’s that? Oh, you’ve got agita? Yeah, well good luck tellin’ that to Enzo’s goons when they’re stomping your canines three inches into the curb. – What’s that Bill? We’ve got company? Okay, hold on, hold on! – AND DON’T COME CRYIN’ WITH A BUSTED LIP TO HEAR ME SAY I TOLD YOU SO! [CLICK]

Hey… well hey there! Welcome folks! Looks like I nailed both of my picks last week, shoot, at least something is going right for me this week. I believe my “picks partner” Rick has some good news in this area as well, isn’t that right, Rick?

RICK DANGER

2-0! Just when some were beginning to doubt the Danger system, I pull out the perfect weekend. Listen, you can send as much hate mail as you want, but you know that Uncle Rick will always treat you right. Before I go further, let me address the fact that my grandmother will be staying with me for the holiday and then will go back to her retirement community in Florida. She is from a different time, and a very different place, I mean every time she sees me she tells me to either shave my beard / cut my hair / stop looking so ugly. I love my Gammy Dinah, but she also terrifies me. I’ve seen her make a Drill Instructor cry. She once made the bank give her money back after a transaction, and after refusing it from the teller, she made the manager go into his own wallet and give it to her. She is the special kind of scary that takes a magic book and an incantation to finally put to rest. Even worse, she keeps asking where she can get a nice slab of hog, but she’s not talking about BBQ… I’m shuddering.

GRANDMA DINAH DANGER (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)

Isn’t my grandson something special! We were all so worried he was going to end up living under a bridge, or perhaps smuggling goods across the border, but he turned out better than any of us could’ve imagined. Now listen here, before you start thinking that this old bird doesn’t know a thing or two about football, you basement dwelling jackasses got another thing coming. I was a Packerette from 1950 – 1958, and I remember when football actually meant something, not just a bunch of boys playing grab ass in the locker room, but real men going to WAR. Speaking of wars, I put divots in planes during WWII and sold war bonds outside my father’s hardware store until I couldn’t stand anymore. That was back when we knew what was good for us, and to sit down and shut up. Got my blood pressure all over the place, let me grab my meds and a Werther’s original, and get back to talking football.


RICK’S PICKS

Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions – Nov 25th 12:30PM ET

Watching Detroit every year on Thanksgiving is almost as miserable as the time spent with the people at the aforementioned holiday dinner. Now, I am all for tradition, but perhaps Detroit needs to let this one go as there are so many more interesting places to host. I for one would like the Eagles to host for two simple reasons. One, I believe that cold weather games are best played outdoors. Two, most of the fans knowing they had off the day after would drink themselves into oblivion and make for a much for fascinating spectacle. Also, rather than flip a coin, the two teams should pull the wishbone and base the kickoff positioning on that result. Regardless, Chicago goes in there and takes care of business. Welp, if you excuse me, my gammy wants to know how to install Hinge on her phone.

PICK: BEARS

POWERS’ PREDICTIONS

Buffalo Bills @ New Orleans Saints – Nov 25th 8:20PM ET

On the gridiron, a confidence-building game can mean everything for a team. It can turn around a season, crystallize a middling team’s chances at a solid playoff run, or even come in the form of the Philadelphia Eagles putting up 40 points and 242 rushing yards against the best run defense in the NFL. So in the case of the Saints, I think I’d call that a confidence-destroying game. Between that crushing blow, plus the additional injuries the Saints have taken on, I think they run a real risk of giving this one away to Josh Allen’s Bills. And if the Saints do decide to throw Taysom Hill into the mix, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has to regain some footing and momentum.

One other thing: Josh Allen has a 100% hit rate on Thanksgiving Day NFL games.

PICK: BILLS

THE GUEST GUESS

Las Vegas Raiders @ Dallas Cowboys – Nov 25th 4:30PM ET

From the days of Eddie LeBaron and Don Meredith to Roger Staubach and Craig Morton, I think these Cowboys need to revisit their history or they are doomed to repeat it. Having not been to the NFC Championship in 26 years, it is time for them to put up or shut up. Tired of this belly-aching over injuries and the difficulty of the schedule, I mean, I remember breaking my ankle after doing a back-flip during my routine and still standing out there in the -10F temperatures. Soft, SOFT I tell you! Always liked those rascals in the silver and black, so dangerous, so rough, just willing to go out there and lay their lives on the line to pick up a fumble. Looks like it’s a good think my grandson set me up on this dating app. Grandma’s getting wild tonight.

PICK: RAIDERS


LAST WEEK 

RICKS PICKS: 2 – 0

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 2 – 0

GUEST GUESS: 1 – 0

OVERALL

RICKS PICKS: 13 – 7

POWERS PREDICTIONS: 12 – 8

GUEST GUESS: 4 – 6

**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.