Good Morning, Good Afternoon, and Good Evening to all our wonderful viewers from the docks of Coast City to the furthest reaches of Oa. You’re watching the multiverse’s best and only news show that brings you the news that you need to know! As I have always been, I’m your host, Dan McMahon, doing my part to bring you up-to-the-minute updates on the worlds you live in!

Reports and video footage of an…ambulance flying off a parking complex into a group of mercenaries have hit the net. Some of the grainy zoomed-in footage is showing DEATHSTROKE THE TERMINATOR approaching the scene. If we are to believe the reports, he is engaging with active fire in a pedestrian-filled area of the city.

No one ever said he was a subtle man. He’s well known and on a few lists for it, even. Lucky for us, we have employed some of the best hackers in the business to help us always get the exclusive looks at stories. We’ve been using this new computer program called Brother Eye, which seems to have no insidious consequences at all!

Looks like justice has been done! Let’s take a quick commercial break.

With Batwoman’s recent stint starting therapy, Batman has decided it’s time to venture into the world of licensed online therapy! Use the code GC52 to get 20% off of your next session with one of Batman’s sidekicks to give you all of the soul searching and mental health help you need. We think. People are too afraid to say if it goes poorly… anyway, our best wishes to Batwoman while she struggles through her sibling drama!

We’d also like to show our support for Barbara Gordon, Gotham City resident, who has been framed by GCPD Commissioner Vandal Savage. Are we all just going to not talk about the caveman thing? Well, either way, the GCPD is framing her for being involved with Batman’s crusade against crime, who is being hunted like prey by the GCPD. Gordon’s trial was swift, and her sentencing was… sketchy to say the least. We do hope she is freed soon. Anyway… Back to the show!

Long time no see, viewers! I haven’t been able to return to Earth since the last time you saw me on Warworld. That’s four years without seeing my friends, family, or my bed! Oh boy I hope someone fed my hermit crabs… Anyway, I am here to bring you some startling news! The Omni Mega + Entertainment Corp has bought all of the stakes in mercenary work and bounty hunting in the Galaxy. They also recruited Lobo to…star in his own reality show for them. I wonder if their mascot is a mou-

AWH YOU BASTICHES I’M GONNA –

That boy sure could use BATTER HELP. Use code GC52 to get like half off or something. I’m not really sure those are the people I would go to for help but I digress. Let’s kick it over to Chad who is reporting on the worlds of magic…

What’s up my witches and warlocks! It’s me, ya boi, Chad. They put me on magic this week and I am so glad they have. I am not allowed in the magic press conference because I asked the new Prime Magnus to crush my head like a crystal ball one time at a bar…but I am allowed outside to hear what they’re talking about.

Basically, Zatanna is the baddest magic user in the multiverse, and now she’s on the throne, so watch out, Gandalf! Wait, Dan, can I say Gandalf, or is that IP infringement? I don’t wanna make a joke about that terf wizard because we’ve already got some DEO PIGS on the scene here, and I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea about me.

No, Chad, I think you’re good over there, little guy. In other news, the Nuclear Man has been causing some…problems in Bedford, Colorado. We turn now to our man on the scene, Aloysius. Wait, really, that’s his na-.

Dan, I’m standing here in Bedford, Colorado, where just four days ago, Firestorm, a former (current?) member of the Justice League arrived and has since been conducting various fantastical science experiments. The purpose of these experiments are unknown but have so far not resulted in any threat to human life, just some mild redecorating. Now obviously the townspeople are quite upset about this development, but this is a superhero we’re talking about, nothing bad is going to happen. With my storied experience of reporting on these heroes over the years, I feel safe in saying everything will be fi-.

I just can’t wrap my head around it. What parent would do that to their child? Anyway, thanks for that report Andruil or whatever your name was.

On our next program, we will have a local janitor, Dead Man, on to answer…do the dead leave big messes behind for him to mop up? But that’s all we have time for tonight… Be it the Bat Symbol in Gotham, a red streak through Central City, or a golden lasso on Themyscira…GC52 has you covered with the news you need to know. Till next week, I’m your host, Dan McMahon. Be strong in all your convictions.