Welcome to Fast Five Picks with Dr. Mitchell Powers & Rick Danger! Each week we will cover 5 upcoming NFL games and give you our predicted outcome for each matchup. As an added bonus, we will be pulling in a guest expert for a one game analysis that you just can’t miss! Let’s take a brief moment to introduce ourselves and then get right into the action.
DR. MITCHELL POWERS
We all know how important speed is in the NFL, but it’s also about power. Seeing as Dr. Speed was too busy fulfilling his namesake through pharmaceuticals, they had to go with me instead. I only began enjoying the fine sport of men giving each other concussions during my college years, where I may have done the same with a large amount of Jameson whiskey one night after a particularly bad break-up. It was a rough time. Who could have known my drunken stupor would be re-enacted by Carson Wentz in his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles, nearly a decade later?
Welcome to the Danger Zone! And if we can’t use that for legal reasons, then welcome to the Danger Area! I’ve been watching football since that giant robot robot on Fox danced his way into my heart. I mean, I even know his name is Cleatus. I shit you not, look it up on the internet machine. Anyway, I know two things; AC/DC should be played at every funeral and the outcome of most NFL games. I even almost went pro myself but I swung too hard at a mailbox and hit myself in the nuts with a bat. I have what’s called a phantom pain, but I don’t believe in ghosts. Anyway, aside from my hearing loss from listening to things to awesomely, and that Raccoon in my attic that keeps stealing my watches, my life is perfect, as are my predictions.
DONNIE AUSTIN (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)
Whadder youse guys doin!? I’ve been out in the parking lot since 5:00 AM slamming Yuengling Oktoberfest. I got a couple of sixers of the Oktoberfest since I was gonna be on the big show today. Thanks for having me on boys. Been a long week since our big win on Sunday. GO BIRDS. We demolished those dirty bird Falcons. Glad it was an away game though so it puts some more forgettin’ time for the Linc security. My boys and I got thrown out of the Linc again last season for being “too aggressive” to other fans. What? They shoulda’ been ready for the Broad Street Belly Bounce. That’s what I call it when I rush you and slam ya with the belly when the birds get a touchdown. Between that and punchin’ the police horse during the time the Phil’s won the World Series, I got a bad rap with security. Wife has a double shift at the Acme today so I am all yours for these picks’ boys.
Cleveland Browns @ Houston Texans – 1:00 PM on CBS
I legally cannot enter Cleveland due to an incident at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, but I won’t hold it against them. The Browns got robbed last week against Patty and the Chiefs, so they will be looking for revenge. Houston picked up a win last week against Jacksonville thanks to Tyrod Taylor, a former Brown himself. Can we take a moment and just recognize that the “Texans” and the “Browns” are arguably two of the worst team names? I don’t think anyone should be proud to be a Texan right now. You know Houston is like a big part of NASA, shouldn’t they be the Astronauts? Dr. Mitch just informed me that there is a team in Houston called the Astros, but I give zero fucks about baseball. At least it will confuse the people of Texas less to have two teams so closely named. I mean were they worried when they named them the Texans that the fans wouldn’t remember what state they were in? Is Pittsburgh called the Pennsylvanians? No. As for Cleveland, they should be the Rockers, after that aforementioned museum that someone is not allowed back at. My pro-choice would be to not take anything from Texas, but I think the Astronauts keep rolling and beat the Rockers in a close one.
Los Angeles Chargers @ Dallas Cowboys – 4:25 PM on CBS
The Dodge Chargers, sorry, Los Angeles Chargers make their way down to the state I am all about picking on, and battle the Dallas Cowboys. Last week, the Cowboys suffered the same fate as many other teams before them, a game-winning last minute drive courtesy of the demon that inhabits Tom Brady’s body. They look to bounce back against a 1-0 Chargers team, led by my favorite iced dessert Justin Sherbert, sorry, Herbert*. The Chargers looked sharp against the Washington Lobbyists because I refuse to call them the ‘Football Team.’ You had all offseason, figure your fucking name out. I digress, I think this Cowboys team that has lost a couple key players is looking to prove themselves in a pivotal game. Much to my dismay, it looks like they will take care of the Chargers in a close game, with a last second field goal that sails erratically, knocking loose Gov. Abbott’s wheelchair lock. Will he comically roll down some stairs, flailing his arms like a cartoon villain? Absolutely! Will he survive? Of course, assholes always do.
Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers – 8:15 PM on ESPN
This team of cheese aficionados are currently sitting at 0-1 after their perfectly trimmed QB had a 32.8 passer rating, which is a higher number than his wife’s age.
“Who are the Green Bay Packers?”
After a guest-hosting stint on the hit trivia game show Jeopardy!, one might have thought that Aaron Rodgers would have learned how to be a better quarterback. Although Jeopardy! is objectively the second-best measure of human intelligence (the foremost being, of course, an enormous apathy toward the band Coldplay), any positive effects on Aaron Rodgers seem to have been lost, aside from notable hair growth. On the other side of the field will be the Detroit Lions, who fell short to the San Francisco 49ers in a near-comeback loss last Sunday. Given the sad state of affairs for both of these teams in their respective opening weeks, I believe the true benefactors here will be the fans who cancel their usual game day get-together typically held on a couch that’s too small in their one-bedroom apartment.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons – 4:05 PM on FOX
The outcome of this game should be clear to just about anyone, even the freshest of football fans. Tom Brady, age 44, is still playing as well as any QB in the NFL. The Buccaneers are coming off of a close win against the Dallas Cowboys and are likely to be amped up with confidence. Furthermore, the Atlanta Falcons are not a strong team right now, as evidenced by their pathetic loss to the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday (Jalen Hurts, indeed). If Atlanta can’t figure out how to do more than kick two field goals as they did last week against Philadelphia, their defense is going to have quite a day trying to keep the score manageable with Tom Brady behind center on the other side. There is, however, one wild card with the potential to make a major contribution to the Falcons’ performance in this game: I do not like Tom Brady.
THE GUEST GUESS
Philadelphia Eagles at San Francisco 49ers – 1:00 PM on Fox
This Sunday, the friggin’ iggles are playin’ the 49ers in Philly. Now I won’t be at the stadium because I’m takin’ the wife and boy down the shore. Weekend after Labor Day is cheap rooms in Wildwood. So, you know I’m gonna be on that balcony with a case of Yuengling, crushin’ and chuckin’ em off the friggin’ railing. They’re glass so it just becomes sand again eventually. No harm no foul. So, the big game, it’s our season. I don’t know much about the 49ers other than they coulda’ called themselves the 69ers and coulda’ become my second favorite team. But basically, the Birds got this jawn in the bag. It’s our year again. When we win the friggin’ Super Bowl, me and the boys are gonna grab some wiz wits, go down to the Linc, and do whippits on the field. Tells you guys what, if we play that Tom Brady guy… Hope that mouth kissin’ good for nothing likes an eye fulla’ double a if you know what I mean.
PICK: EAGLES (GO BIRDS!)
RICKS PICKS: 2 – 0
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 2 – 0
GUEST GUESS: 1-0
RICKS PICKS: 2 – 0
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 2 – 0
GUEST GUESS: 1 – 0
**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.