GC616 News (Marvel Comics Releases for 08/04/2021)

GC616 returns with coverage of Marvel Comics releases from Augus 4th, 2021.

The GC616 logo blazes across the screen, revealing our anchor Reagan seated at the newsdesk, this time with bangs. 

Reagan: Good evening and welcome back to GC616 news, our top story today comes from the X-Men who recently fought off the Annihilation Wave in Kansas.

She pauses.

Reagan: You know, I’ve been thinking recently that it’s almost like all of these news stories run on a monthly schedule. It’s like there’s some. Cosmic Writer or something that’s deciding that all of our heroes have little stories that play out during the same week each month. 

She shakes herself out of her sidebar and returns to the matter at hand: the news! Afterall, the idea that some higher being is scripting out everything that happens and deciding what the Avengers and X-Men et al face and when is preposterous isn’t it.\

Reagan: [Somewhat shocked] I have no idea where that little tangent even came from. Anyways, back to the news at hand. As I said before, the X-Men recently saved a small-town in Kansas from a large group of absolutely disgusting bug-like creatures known as the Annihilation Wave. Skin crawling! Here to give some more insight is out correspondent Sloan Morris. Hey there Sloan!

The camera cuts to Sloan, one of GC616’s younger correspondents. They’re standing in front of a smoking crater on the outskirts of Iola, a small town in rural Kansas. Beside them is one of the locals, Gerry.

Sloan: Hey Reagan! That’s right, the X-Men did in fact save the town of Iola from the Annihilation Wave. I’m here with one of the locals who saw it happen and even sat down for a meal with the heroes in question.

They turn to Gerry.

Sloan: Now Gerry, can you tell us what you saw here today?

Gerry: Well, we noticed something was wrong when a meteorite made entirely of bugs crashed outside of town. Honestly, we were about to try to figure out how to call the Avengers in by the time the X-Men had already shown up and saved the day. They made real quick work of all of the bugs too, one of them, Sunfire I think his name was, fried them all using his fire power. It was something that was for sure.

Sloan: And you said that you invited the X-Men to stay for a meal as thanks?

Gerry: Of course we did! People show up and help you out of the kindness of their heart? The least you can do is help them out by providing a good meal. And anyways, it was already set up. Doesn’t make a difference whether or not they stay and eat at that point. 

Sloan: I see. Thank you for shedding some light on the situation Gerry. Back to you Reagan!

The camera cuts to Reagan back in the studio. She’s playing with her bangs. They are after all new and she hasn’t quite had time to get used to them.

Reagan: Thanks Sloan! Now on to Katie with some Hulk news.

The camera cuts to Katie reporting in front of the Baxter Building. Her black cat, Felicia, walks in a pattern on the ground. Upon closer inspection, the cat appears to be creating the illusion of the number “4.” 

Katie: Hello all. I’m reporting live from the Baxter Building, better known as the headquarters of the family superhero squad, The Fantastic Four. From the outside here at 42nd Street and Madison Avenue in Manhattan, a quiet pall has fallen over New York City. Jade giant, the Hulk, and his beefy compadres, battled the Avengers not long ago. The city has been reeling from the showdown, avoiding the streets. Apparently, the Avengers, Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, have also hidden themselves inside the Richard family tower. 

Only an hour prior, a witness saw Hulk, She-Hulk, and MIA reporter Jackie McGee enter the Baxter Building. You might as well string up a sign that says, “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.” Did the Green Goliath smash his way through the puny heroes during an inevitable rematch? We can only assume another grim outcome when you place the formidable Hulk against the rocky will of Ben Grimm. 

She gazes upon the towering structure, pondering a possible allyship between the two bulging beasts. Felicia shakes her head.

Katie: Perhaps the two reconciled before crimson colors ignited under the Baxter Building. An eagle-eye witness observed a boiling red plasma hue leaching through from below. The source says they blinked and the red evaporated as if a portal had been closed. My source indicates how they felt as if an “entryway into a city of woe” had been opened. Sounds pretty hellish, in my opinion. The Hulk and Ms. McGee have not surfaced since the reported incident.

Felicia meows haughtily until Katie bends down to pick her up. The black cat perches atop Katie’s shoulder in cat-loaf position.

Katie: She’s so spoiled. As above, so below…Back to you, Reagan! 

The camera cuts from a close-up on the contented cat over to Reagan in the studio.

Reagan: Thanks Katie, and what a cute cat Felicia is. You’ll have to send me more pictures of her later. Now we have Mr Sinister back with some Sinister Scoops. What’s the goss, Sinister?

Sinister: Welcome back to Sinister Scoops with me, MISTER SINISTER!  The best Sinister, who has left behind a ridiculous life of mad science to focus on the most important thing in life, making news reports on clones of yourself and the man you were cloned from!  While I hear Krakoa has been up to all sorts of interesting business recently, no Sinister someones were involved so who really cares?  It’s time for the team that matters most, THE HELLIONS, and their fearless leader Sinister.

Sinister: When we last left our delightful group of disasters, it seemed some Sinister sins were coming back to haunt us.  After that awful business in Amenth, Tarn the Uncaring wanted a little bit of revenge for the DnA that the Hellions gathered while there, which is quite frankly rude.  Hasn’t Tarn ever heard that sharing is caring?  A little birdie/giant worm man informed this Sinister that the Great Ring of Arrako didn’t give Tarn permission to seek his vengeance, but Arakko is having as much trouble keeping it’s resident mad geneticist with a god complex under control as Krakoa is.  

Sinister: After a brief tussle between our beloved Hellions and the Locus Vile, it almost seemed like victory was assured thanks to the ever-surprising Nanny, Orphan-Maker and Wildchild.  After their tragic deaths in Amenth, their bodies seemed to have adapted just for vengeance against their murders, and vengeance they were having.  So of course that spoilsport Tarn the Uncaring had to show up thanks to his fancy little “fish knife” or whatever, and ruin everything.

Sinister puts his hand to his earpiece.

Sinister: I know it’s called a “Blade Fish”, I was making fun of that Arakki asshole!  ANYWAYS with Tarn here the tide turned quickly in the Viles favour.  If it wasn’t for Sinister’s quick thinking and diplomatic skills, our heroes could have lost once again!  After dispelling all of Tarns lies that he may have been responsible for the deaths when the remaining Hellions returned from Arrako, which I must again reiterate are 100% lies and there is no proof to his claims, Sinister was able to unleash some of the less interesting Sinisters from the wombs of Bar Sinister to fend off our intruders.  Now THAT’s what I call a Sinister War!  During the chaos our main Sinister and the one left behind in Arrako were able to reunite thanks to a shared love of…cameras.  Not chimeras, that’s for sure.  Some people may have heard “chimera”, but that’s not right.  Sinister has gotten really into photography.  Retreating through a Krakoan No-Gate designed only for Sinister and having such faith in the Hellions ability that he left them behind, the two Sinisters go to talk about cameras somewhere only Sinisters can go.  If only we knew a Sinister who couldn’t say no to a scoop?  

Reagan: Thanks for keeping us updated on all the hottest goss Sinister! Now to Chad. Who I am continually surprised that we haven’t fired.

The electronic beats start as the Checkin’ In With Chad sizzle reel begins. A highlight from this week’s video starts with red fruit punch being poured into a large glass jar with one hand and a handle of Everclear with the other. As the camera starts to pan out, it becomes clear that there is the large disembodied head of the incredible Hulk floating inside. Chad drops the empty bottles before grabbing the camera and yelling “We call this one Chad’s Immortal Jungle Juice, FULL F#@$*&^ SEND”.  When the reel ends, Chad is sitting on a bar stool watching another channels report on a huge attack on Spider-Man.

Chad: Yo everybody. Welcome to my favorite bar, the bar with no name. This place gets rowdy as hell. I was supposed to meet some buddies here tonight. But they’re all on the TV right now hunting Spider-Man. I should probably be in that Graveyard reporting on this but I couldn’t find my way to the dead center of town. Looks like they’re all dying to get Spider-Man. I tried ringing up my boy Shocker but I think that’s a dead zone. Honestly I think that human centipede guy is after Spider-Man or something. Spidey is going to be fine. He always is. I just wish my bros didn’t stand me up. I just wanted to have drinks tonight after a depressing lunch with my brother. He told me I am making a mockery of journalism but like… I’m just doing my best. Whatever. I am gonna slam a couple of jager bombs and go bully some of those villains like Spidey does. See you next week, I guess.

Reagan: [Under her breath] Huh. Can’t believe I’m feeling bad for Chad. [At full volume] Thanks for that… toned down report Chad. Now to Brason with some Symbiote coverage.

We cut to Brason speeding down busy traffic, eyes wide after what he just saw. 

Brason: A green symbiote has just escaped a nearby nursing home as I was leaving the scene at Alchemax. I have never seen anything that tall and creepy in my life. Oh dear!

The camera pans over to a gas station with the green symbiote we know as Lasher standing tall. A gruesome scene has just played out with civilian bodies everywhere.

Brason: We have to get the hell out of here. We’re already late for today’s Krane rally, I feel there’s going to be a big announcement.

Lasher runs off to elsewhere but there is no time to follow. The rally is close to over. Brason whips into a parking lot and runs through an even more riled up crowd than last time. 

Senator Krane: …But we will not be silenced anymore.

Brason: What the hell have you done, Krane?

The crowd goes into a riot, unlike anything Brason’s ever seen. He runs back to his car. 

Brason: This certainly will not end well at all. With all the chaos in the city already, Krane is just adding gas to the flame. Remind me to never get wrapped up in symbiote drama after this.

Reagan: Will do Brason! And with that we’ve reached the end of our time. I’m going to spend some time thinking about the nature of the universe and the fact that it increasingly feels like time is a flat circle and we’re all just repeating the same four or five events on a monthly basis. I hope all of you have a great night! See you next time on GC616.

The GC616 logo flashes across the screen before fading out. Before it fully fades out and the feed cuts the muffled voice of the camera man can be heard.

Jamie: You okay man? That was pretty existential there.

The feed cuts out before Reagan’s reply can be heard.

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