Tales From the Vault-Verse: Money Shot

Listen, this interview is unlike anything I have ever done. I want to be upfront with you right now, when Combo started chirping about my next interview, I wasn’t ready for this. Combo, for those of you who are just joining us because of the promise of naughty talk, is the sentient device that lets me travel to Vault worlds to interview their inhabitants. Sure, I have talked to barbarians, a witch who turned me into a baby, and a family after the end of the world but this is a little…different. 

When I put Combo on my wrist, the first thing they said was, “You either gotta strap-in or strap-on for this one big boy!” so I knew I was in for something a little bit off the beaten path. Well, there was a lot of beatin’ before my interview. Okay getting ahead of myself. I am interviewing a group known as “XXX-Plorers” from a scientific project known as “Money Shot.” They are a group of intergalactic explorers making discoveries that can save their nearly doomed Earth. But I know you’re all waiting for the other ball to drop. 

They also fuck the alien species they meet for their porn site to fund their explorations. Imagine if Onlyfans took Patreon doggy style; funding their science experiments at the Michigan Institute of Technology in Detroit through the sex work they’re doing. It’s really a genius endeavor to get their research funded. They’re truly saving the future through fuckin’, good on them!

I sat down with physicist Dr. Christine Ocamo, the founder of the project, and one other member of the team who introduced himself as “Supermassive Blackhole,” whose real name is Dr. Doug Koch. They had just returned from a “mission” when I arrived in Detroit to speak with them. Turns out a multi-dimensional traveler showing up for an interview doesn’t really shock a group who is fucking near omnipotent jellyfish beings.

Interview with Dr. Christine Ocamo

Thanks for letting me sit down with you, Doctor! I do open all of my interviews with an ice breaker! What’s your favorite sandwich?

CHRIS: Hm. Ha. Let me think….wait, why did you ask about sandwiches? Is this a food thing? Do I look fat? Fuck. I have to film a scene with a rail thin grey alien in like two hours, and that ass-probing waif is gonna make me look like an absolute manatee!

Ahem. Summer sausage. Love some good ol’ fashioned summer sausage.

On Earth, it seems that pornography has gotten to the highest extremes… Do you think that correlates with the condition the planet itself is in?

CHRIS: I think we’re living in an era of information overload. And I mean information in the sense of news and data, but also in arousing stimuli. So, I think people are starting to find it hard to know what to believe so they turn to things that are comforting and don’t challenge their ideals.

But, also, they’ve seen everything, and they’re bored so they’ll definitely watch someone fuck an airwhale in the blowhole.

Where did the idea to fund your own scientific endeavors with…well… fucking aliens?

CHRIS: I read the comments. And, I mean, god…it was the worst. Like, run-screaming-out-a-4th floor-window-the-worst. But, as it turns out, in the face of such cosmic horror, I found inspiration…and that inspiration was even if only weird billionaires care about space travel, there’s a buck or two to be made from goin’ four-on-the-floor with a Klingon.

Do you feel any burden to the human race to be the first contact with some of these species? Do you think your work is going to have a lasting effect throughout the galaxy?

CHRIS: Well, I mean, if humanity wants me to act a certain way, pay me. Personally, I think you could do worse as a diplomat to the stars than my vagina.

I don’t want to get too intrusive, but do you find all of this has affected intimacy in your day-to-day life, as you have to work with this group on excursions and in the lab?

CHRIS: Oh no. Of course not. We’re totally good..we’re…

{Cries. Cries for 6 full minutes}

Ahem.

Professionals.

After seeing so much of what the galaxy has to offer sexually and society wise, do you feel more optimistic or pessimistic about the future of humanity?

CHRIS:  If I’ve learned anything, it’s that humans are flexible. And, like, not just in the “can bend over backwards to perform self analingus” kind of way. Humans can adapt to almost anything the universe can throw at them. We can use that to our advantage, or let ourselves become complacent. If the taste of my own butt is any indication, the future is leaning in our favor.

Interview with Dr. Doug “Supermassive Blackhole” Koch

I asked Dr. Ocamo this, but I’m curious for you as well. This question always throws people off… what’s your favorite sandwich?

DOUG: Well, as a ‘flavor scientist”, I think my answer is probably going to be a little more esoteric than your usual interviewee.  I’ve literally tried almost everything on Earth, AND a decent sample size of the universe.

So, as a gourmet, what I like to do is put Cheetos on my bologna. SOMETIMES even the Flamin’ Hot.

Fuckin’ rocks, bro.

Men in porn are also depicted in a hyper masculine light, do you feel the need to live up to those standards? 

DOUG: Have you seen these guns? Haw, I kid. I think the true measure of a man is his sensitivity, his self-awareness and the girth of his man-wand. And Doug Koch is all meat.

Do you think the Money Shot project has changed your perspectives on your scientific work?

DOUG: Oh absolutely. I’ve seen things no human ever has. Experienced sensations previously unknown to life. How can I not change my approach, right? I mean, did you know that on the alternate Earth of universe b2687, they have Green Chile Flamin’ Hot Cheetos?! THE. FUCK. I mean, you can go ahead and toss out all those years at the Detroit Institute of Technology right there.

Have there ever been situations where you were afraid during this project so far? It doesn’t need to be just in a mortal danger aspect. I want to know if sharing this much of yourself with the universe was scary for you.

DOUG: Fear is for the uniformed. As a scientist, I don’t feel fear. I feel curiosity. Now, look, has intense curiosity ever caused me to shit my pants? Yeah. Once or twice.

What was it like working alongside your president? I don’t want to make any brash judgment, but you seem so kind while your president seems like such an asshole.

DOUG: I’ll tell you what, as a flavor scientist—did I mention that? —I’m used to enduring things that may not be pleasant. But, even the absolute stalest, soggiest, orange dustless Cheeto on Earth is more pleasant than President Luke Kirk was. On the other hand, we were able to show American Evangelicals the one thing that would shake their affection for that dick-bag. The dude bleaches his butthole. Turns out, and I didn’t know this, that’s a big sin. God loves a brown bung. Ya heard it here first.

Money Shot is on sale now from Vault Comics! Written by Tim Seeley & Sarah Beattie, art by Rebekah Isaacs & Caroline Leigh Layne, Colored by Kurt Michael Russell, and letters by CRANK!

Thank you to Tim for agreeing to let me jump into their world!