Tales From the Vault-Verse: Witchblood

After I got home from my time on that alternate Earth that was rattled by those waves. I had to take some time off. I needed to spend some time with my family because who knows when the next cataclysmic event hits my Earth? I think Combo, the device which gives me access to the Vault-Verse, sensed I needed some time because it’s been quiet. 

But this morning while I made my coffee before heading to the office to do today’s broadcast, it started to call for me. Normally it just obnoxiously screams until I open my desk drawer but today was different. I could hear the echoes of “Magic Dance” by David Bowie playing from the drawer I stored it in. That little shit knew I couldn’t resist David Bowie and those swea- nevermind. I opened the drawer and for the first time it didn’t have anything insulting to say. It asked if I believed in magic. 

I mean, of course I do, I report on superheroes, demons, and all sorts of things. Combo informed me of an Earth where a group of vampires are tracking down some witches to drink their blood for powers. There was one in particular wrapped up in all of this, her name was Yonna. She was the one who I was set to interview.  At first, I was hesitant to do another but then it said I could wear a bolo tie so that was the end of that. 

Texas is fucking hot. I wasn’t ready for the heat but it was okay.

Interview with Yonna

So before we get started, I just have to let you know I am not from your Earth. I assume you know of the multiverse?

Assumptions are easy to make, sure! 

Would you like to introduce yourself?

Yessir, name is Yonna.

I like to start off with something pretty heavy… What’s your favorite sandwich?

Three eggs real yolky — on top of buttered and salted, slightly toasted texas toast, and a dollop of “country” gravy with extra thick sausage chunks. Additional meat on the side.

I love your outfit, how would you describe your whole style? Like your hair is so vibrant, is that magic or what?

Nothing magic about self-expression, it just comes out naturally so why force it otherwise. You like what you like!

I noticed a pretty sick bike outside that says Ramblin’ Rose. Is that yours? Where’d you get that ride?

I think this one was a gift, or maybe I stole it…? I can’t remember there’s been so many Ramblin’ Roses that at this point it’s the more the idea of it than anything. This rose is certainly my favorite since when they’d die from lack of food. That is to say horses or the like.

So your magic, where does that come from? Do you have spells you cast or is more of a mix a bunch of different bits together for a certain outcome?

Comes from the nature of things! An alchemist is thought to be able to fiddle and tinker with the primordial elements, heat and the lack thereof, ya see! So, with the elemental properties of things I can mix them up, a little boil-boil toil and trouble, if ya’ get me and boom! I’ve got a neat little drink that obtains a variety of inherited properties based on what I was fiddlin’ with — back when I was first learnin’ the ropes it was somewhat of a surprise what I’d get, but now I’ve got a long list of keepers. 

Is this like a profession for you or do you have a day job?

No. I am homeless. Or whatever you call it. 

I know this is probably taboo but would you mind showing me some sort of magic?

Yonna smashes a bottle on the ground, on the front are the words “Tiny Baby” and turns whoever this person is into a temporary baby

You’re a baby now. This was the potion I smashed and it lasts until you make a little baby pee. I will be long gone once that happens though, so you still have the ability to talk and be normal.

This is magic.

Well shit, I’m a baby. This is going to be an issue but lets keep going…I’ve been seeing a lot of whispers about something called a Hex Hunter online, have you had to tango with any of those?

This tiny baby is speaking to me, how novel! Hoo hoo boy, I need a better name for a potion like Tiny Baby. I could basically turn anyone I want into a baby, this is maybe too powerful of a potion. I should write down the ingredients of this potion and make sure never to brew another one ever again. It’s just… what if this fell into the wrong hands. 

It would be too powerful of a magic. 

Okay, sorry to interrupt, but the bird…is that a raven… it keeps squawking almost as if at me directly… are they with you?

Bhusunda! My trusty and mischievous familiar! Take these pouches of the freshly brewed Tiny Baby baby potion and drop them off the tallest cliff in West Texas! You must, please! I can’t know where you’ve dropped them otherwise I’d be too tempted to go back and get them and use them to turn people who cross me into tiny babies. 

I would for sure do that, too. Especially if there is no real lasting consequence of my actions.

So I hear tell that you’ve been feuding with Vampires, what are they like here? Are they the only other sort of non-humans here or are there wolf people, or like swamp monsters?

Bhusunda is back, the potions are gone and the day is saved. You should be returning to your regular self shortly, like I said, you have to make a little peep-peep until that happens, so make sure there is an adult around to clean you up or whatever needs to happen for you to be… right with yourself. 

So yeah. Goodbye. I’m sorry I turned you into a baby.

Well thanks for meeting with me, I hope everything goes well for you. Any final remarks?

Try not to sit in the sun! Baby’s have very sensitive skin and you will surely roast alive! Find some shade under a tall tree or a decently sized sign in a field!

Adios baby!

Thank you to Matthew Erman for turning me into a baby, I guess…