We roll into a particularly haunting week of NFL action, as most games will take place this Sunday on Halloween! The Cardinals continue their improbable run at 7-0, but the red-hot LA Rams are right behind them at 6-1. In the NFC East, the Cowboys continue to create distance between themselves and their divisional rivals, while in the AFC North, only a game separates the top 3 teams. Dr. Mitch and Rick have spent the past few days studying tape and eating candy to prepare themselves for this terrifying weekend. The team at GateCrashers have asked them to allow The Grave Robber to pick a game, and they were simply too petrified to say no! Relish in the upcoming holiday, and make note that the team is off next Friday for their own personal ‘bye’ week. Anytime The Grave Robber shows up, you need some time to recover.
*Editor’s Note: (This section was written prior to the Thursday Night Game between the Packers and the Cardinals)
DR. MITCHELL POWERS
It’s that time of the year, folks, and frightening tales are to be told. Last week’s games brought an especially eerie tale, about a man some would say is made of glass… and a terrifying hero complex. His name is Carson Wentz, and he… what? He won? Well shucks, that is not how I thought that was going to go. I mean, did you see that pitch-turned-interception? I wish I could make that many mistakes and still succeed. Talk about your generic white guys failing up, am I right? Welp, at least I nailed my other pick. That puts my ratio of good to bad picks at about 1.33. I think that’s the youths these days call a “KD,” but my professional experience tells me that KD actually accounts for 3.5g, not 1.33…
After the final score of the Patriots game buzzed onto my phone, solidifying my undefeated weekend, well, Uncle Rick may have overdone it. Some guys with funny accents at my local hangout (The Rusty Trombone on 69th and Merkin Ave) passed around a bottle of Slovenian Vodka, which apparently, farmers in the old country use to power their tractors. Like Gandalf after defeating the Balrog at the peak of Zirakzigil, I lost track of all time and space. The entirety of existence flashed before my eyes, which is fine because I did not see another Cowboys Super Bowl in that timeline. Notwithstanding, we are coming up on my favorite holiday, Halloween. Last year, I dressed up as Joe Exotic, but apparently my costume was deemed ‘confusing’ and ‘lackluster’ as most of the clothing was my everyday apparel. Don’t worry, I’ve got something special for this year, I’m dressing up as a giant clock and being ‘the original Tik Tok.’ Speaking of dressing up, this Grave Robber doesn’t let up, I mean, fucking terrifying 24/7. Not entirely sure it’s human, but whatever, like Uncle Rick always says, Live and Let Live. Wonder if it’s ever seen Lord of The Rings.
THE GRAVE ROBBER (OUR SPECIAL GUEST)
The readers really didn’t think my involvement with the site would stop with just the show, did they? I don’t know much about the ol’ pig skin. No, I know plenty about pig’s skin but not about the fashioning of it into a ball. But what I do know well is traumatic brain injuries and other assorted injuries that helps me meet plenty of football players after they’re in the ground. Very glad to be here. I finished all of the chicken wings and bones that were in the green room so thank you for that.
Los Angeles Rams @ Houston Texans – October 31st 1:00PM ET
Aaron Donald is a frightening individual and Davis Mills should be very, very worried. By the end of the game, Donald will have Mills lunch money, sneakers, and possibly, his soul. This Texans team has not much left to fight for, with the now departure of Mark Ingram Jr. which left wide receiver Brandin Cooks quite upset. Maybe the two teams will just meet at half field, discuss what the final score could be, and then go their separate ways. Stranger things have happened, but this one is going to be uglier than my cheetah print banana hammock. Take the Rams big in this one because like they say, everything’s bigger in Texas, including this margin of victory. Just wish women’s rights were bigger down there too.
San Francisco 49ers @ Chicago Bears – October 31st 1:00PM ET
Khalil Mack is watching this game from the sidelines, which is a terrible place if he’s not the coach of the team. It’s definitely a difference maker in this matchup, but I think Justin Fields is going to shake off that miserable performance from last week, and start fresh against a hurting 49ers defense. On the other side, we have Jimmy G. looking like he never left his bench warming spot for Tom Brady because his flat play is killing this team. Oh, how the mighty have fallen, as we are two years removed from a Super Bowl spot, and I do not foresee them making it back anytime soon. Looks like the Bears will find some Honey and the 49ers will be sifting and come up empty. Side note, I think Chicago should rename their mascot to Beary Tuff because who wouldn’t buy that jersey. Still have my Dick Butkus one for the same reason.
Carolina Panthers @ Atlanta Falcons – October 31st 1:00PM ET
Everything in my gut is saying that the Panthers win this game. Though, I’ve had 11 cups of coffee today, and got about four hours of sleep last night since I was up taking care of some important, uh… research. So, for the sake of science, I’m going to ignore what my gut is telling me, look at the facts, and try to be impartial on this one. The Falcons have definitely been the team of these two who are on a recent upswing. Carolina is falling apart, so much so that even Sam Darnold, or, man who looks like an aged version of a generic bully from a 90s ABC Family movie, was benched last week in an awful 24-3 loss to the New York Giants. At the rate the Panthers are losing to NFC East teams, the Washington Football Team should be getting very excited about their Week 11 match-up. That’s a pretty sad state of affairs considering how poor the NFC East’s play was last season. I think the Falcons eek out a small victory on this one.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cleveland Browns – October 31st 1:00PM ET
I asked The Grave Robber if he had any good stories about Ben Roethlisberger, but he told me that goes against his slasher-human confidentiality rules. I’m going to take that as a “yes,” which I also therefore interpret as a “yikes.” Listen, I won’t lie to you. This game will most likely have a heavy dependence on the Browns getting some players back this week, which isn’t a complete certainty right now. But if the Browns are relatively healthy this game, and Nick Chubb is able to play a good amount of snaps, then I think this game could be a runaway, pun intended. Allow me to reiterate: Cleveland could really give Pittsburgh a case of the runs. There could be Brown streaks everywhere. Our “bye” week is coming up, folks, I’m tired. I’ve resorted to toilet humor. I’m not sorry.
THE GUEST GUESS
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New Orleans Saints – October 31st 4:25PM ET
While I do not know many living people, I do know monsters. I’ve met Tom Brady on numerous occasions at some of the “meetings.” You know the ones. People talk about them online where people bathe in blood, sacrifice goats, and all that stuff. Tom is a wonderful host. One time, there was a sacrifice who tried to make a b-line towards an exit. Tom tackled that dude like a mac truck. Hilarious, we all had a laugh before we ate the sacrifice. He’s a dear friend, has been since he sold his soul at the crossroads. No way I see anyone beating the champ. All of my friends love Tom Brady. Hell of a guy. The league could use more soulless husks like Tommy!
RICKS PICKS: 2 – 0
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 1 – 1
GUEST GUESS: 0 – 1
RICKS PICKS: 9 – 5
POWERS PREDICTIONS: 8 – 6
GUEST GUESS: 3 – 4
**DISCLAIMER** Like a conservative talkshow, the opinions and views here are a joke.