Peter Parker: Hey everyone, this is Peter Parker from the Daily Bugle and-
J Jonah Jameson: ENOUGH OF THAT PARKER! We all know who they’re really here to see! I’m J. Jonah Jameson and since you kids these days don’t know how to put down your phones and read a good newspaper, Parker here thought we should do a special episode of Just the Facts with me, J Jonah Jameson, to show off the Bugle! Isn’t that right Parker?
Peter Parker: eh…yes Mister Jameson.
The two stand outside the Daily Bugle building, Peter filming Jameson as he begins to narrate the structure around them.
J Jonah Jameson: So this is the building! Beautiful! Modern! Very Expensive, but worth every penny! Plenty of me on the outside, just as it should be. We’ve got a newsstand outside, SELLING BUGLES ONLY I HOPE!
Amber Grant, local newspaper seller, looks over confused at Jameson’s rant. An elderly woman walks over with a plate full of wheatcakes.
Peter Parker: Oh hey Aunt May…Mister Jameson, LOOK OUT!
Sandman bursts up from the ground, closely followed by Spider-Man swinging after him.
J Jonah Jameson: Arrgh! Another one of those Spider-menaces here to tear up my building AGAIN!
Peter Parker: …isn’t Sandman the one…
J Jonah Jameson: YES HIM TOO! But we all know they’re working together!
Jameson enters the building as Parker films through the massive hole in the wall because “It’s very hard to fit a recording device in the building” which seems like an odd thing to say…
J Jonah Jameson: Now this is the lobby of a real newspaper! Not like that GC52, they never even talk about what a MENACE Spider-man is! Some of our most prized papers up on the wall too. All the best ones written by me of course… Even one about my son. He’s an astronaut you know? A real American hero. Not like that webhead! NOW! Onwards!
The two proceed upstairs into the bullpen and find Daily Bugle employees Robbie Robertson and Ron Barney working away at their desks.
Robbie Robertson: Hey Pete! Tell Randy I said hello!
J Jonah Jameson: Robertson can’t you see we’re in the middle of an important video! And where’s Urich? I need to show off my star writers writing the truths that keep this city running!
Robbie Robertson: Outside talking to the devil I believe, so leave him be. And leave us be too, Barney and I are busy working.
J Jonah Jameson: Hurry up Parker, I don’t pay you to stand there and chit chat. We’re moving on!
The pair proceed upstairs again, finding themselves in a storeroom filled with boxes, filing cabinets and a photocopier.
J Jonah Jameson: Now THIS is a historic room worth showing off Parker! Full of Bugle history! Every paper we’ve ever published! It’s a room of legends! And of course, the copier! The Bugle couldn’t run without it!
In the next room, Spider-Man sits behind a desk with his own photo beside him. He sits completely still as Jameson enters the room.
J Jonah Jameson: Parker what on earth is going on here! Why is that webbed menace here with a picture of himself!
Peter Parker: yeah…I can’t explain this one either…
Green Goblin BURSTS through the window and back out again as action erupts outside. Mysterio, Doctor Octopus, and Green Goblin attempt to storm the Bugle as Ghost-Spider and Spider-Ham fight them off.
Venom stares longingly through the upstairs office, using his symbiote to mime “call me”.
J Jonah Jameson: Parker go take some photos, I want this all on the front page tomorrow! I can see it now… ’SPIDER MENACES ATTACK LAST GOOD PAPER’
Peter Parker hands Jameson the video recorder and runs outside. Not to the elevator? Is he taking the fire escape? Jameson, unfazed by the action around him, proceeds upstairs again.
Jameson barges up to the top floor and tosses the camera, still recording, to his assistant Betty Brant.
J Jonah Jameson: Miss Brant! Fetch my pen, I need to go yell at these criminals!
Betty Brant: Yes sir, and-
J Jonah Jameson: MISS BRANT! Why is there a Spider-buggy driving up my WINDOW!
Betty Brant: Eddie Brock keeps calling you sir-
J Jonah Jameson: Let him! Now help me finish this video!
The two carry on to the roof of the building using the fire escape.
J Jonah Jameson: Look at that rooftop! That beautiful sign! The water tower! And…some sort of leather-clad vampire? Scram! This is Bugle property! Anyways, let’s let the construction workers behind this beauty tell you all about it.
Cut to a construction worker standing in Jameson’s office…
Adam the Builder: Well building the Bugle was a long job of course. And it’s got a lot of glass in it, so that took up quite a while. But it was a very fun experience, and there’s so much in the interior that’s got a lot of detail and care in it. I’m an interior decorator too you see? Not to mention all the creative characters you see while in New York! Even some new faces I’d never seen before. And I know that broken window may look bad, but it all comes back together easily enough.
The Bugle logo fills the screen as we cut to a brief slideshow of various images around the office and the familiar faces found within it